This Moment Will Be A Memory

I truly hate ICE.

Hot take, I know

But I’ve hated it since I was young. I grew up with so many immigrants families. Who cared if they had the right documents or not, we’re all still people.

Recently I watched one of those TikToks where the people try to raise money for their recently deported family members.

Not even two weeks after they made that post they deported that girls father. Now their family must return to Guatemala

I hate feeling so helpless and powerless to watch all these kind people be taken away

I hate that so many people seem happy about this. Like this is a good solution.

I remember when Trump won and the fear it struck in my latino friends… and me.

I want to help. I tried signing up for immigration help services but they haven’t gotten back to me. Maybe it’s because my Spanish isn’t great.

I will keep advocating for the wonderful people in this country. Papers or not.

Mí español es muy más y menos. Pero pratico en mucho días

I want the world to be kinder to those hurting and being sent away right now.

We must make it a kinder place again.

I saw a post tonight saying that no one is talking about the Epstein Files anymore and that makes me upset.

Those horrid, horrid, horrid files need to be at the forefront. We need to be giving those victims peace and protecting women. YOUNG women at that.

However the president started a literal war to distract us from it.

People are dying

AI is taking over

pedophiles are being protected

gas is unaffordable

they’re trying to stop the midterms

…and there’s so many people who are like “this is fine.”

I want justice for these victims

Everyone should be been thrown out of the office for their crimes and they barely released anything. So much redaction.

I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel but I believe there will be one. If I don’t protect my mental health they win.

I can’t let myself believe that there’s no coming back from any of this, as that’s no way to live.

This moment will be a memory. And when we look back we’ll say “thank god things are better now”

We must.

I made a post a few weeks back about the Trump administration’s post where they uploaded a video of the Obama’s as apes. Here’s what I said:

I’ve been called a monkey before

But it’s different from a president, yknow? The whole “black people are monkeys” rhetoric has been around much longer than I have. It’s used to demean us, break us down. It’s a slur. I’ve been called the n-word, a monkey, darkie, you name it. 

But this is different. 

To be made into a punchline, a joke to make it look like we’re stupid, to be looked down upon by the man that’s supposed to represent us. Because if you call anyone black a monkey, you’re calling all of us one. 

And if you voted for him, if I haven’t made it clear in my previous posts about ICE, or women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights, or anything like that…

Never speak to me again. I do not like you. 

Don’t play the “I didn’t know he’d do all of this” card because he said he would in the past and has done it, but you didn’t want to listen. Don’t act like the victim here. Don’t be stupid. 

This goes for people who didn’t vote either. “They’re both equally evil” or whatever. Does this look equal to you? You had the power to help stop this and you did NOTHING. 

My civil rights were being lobbied against, and you did NOTHING. So many minority rights Trump’s team campaigned to take away, and you were FINE with it. 

You can strive to do better now, but it’s too late to undo what you’ve helped. 

Anyway, don’t act like my friend if you voted against my rights— or didn’t vote at all. There is a man calling black people monkeys in the White House— and if you supported him or didn’t vote, that was your choice.

But you didn’t fucking support me, and I will never trust you to.

Do not pretend to be my friend, citing “traditional views” or playing ignorance. It’s too late for that now. You were never my friend. 

This is probably a limited return again. Who knows. I wonder if any of you missed me. I mean, I only have 2 followers, but it’s fine.

It’s been a year, and we’re still alive. It’s a miracle. I truly didn’t think we’d get this far. 

The finish line of this presidency might be in reach, but it will be a brutal fight. We have to keep fighting, even when it looks like we’re losing. 

I saw a quote the other day, I don’t know where I got it from, but it was like,

"If we give up on hope, that’s accepting and succumbing to a reality where there isn’t any. We have to keep fighting for it and believing it can be better."

I will keep fighting, even if I feel like there’s a massive hole in my chest.

Why do I keep coming on here, posting images, and talking about perseverance and positivity? Why don’t I finally accept the world as it is and stop fighting it? 

Because I can’t deal with the alternative. 

The world (or at least, the country) has gone to hell. But it’s either keep fighting for better days— or give up and sink into depression. 

And I can’t give up. We can’t give up. 

If I just drown in the depression that is this black hole around me, I may never come out. 

I need hope to bring me to each new day

I need motivation to show me that I should keep pushing. 

I need to believe things will get better.

Cause they always do.

Now, I’m no professional, but I’ve been through a lot of friendships. 

Best friendships,

Childhood friendships,

Workplace friendships

You name it, I’ve had it, and I’ve found a common denominator. 

Every time you interact with someone, it’s like you’re placing a brick. You're building a foundation for a friendship.

You’re building a Jenga Tower. 

Each brick is a part of your friendship.

It could be “similar music in common” or “go to the same school”, etc., etc. 

But once you’ve got a tall enough tower, the friendship is established, and you can see what changes it can take. 

I had two best friends in college, we lived on the same floor and all hung out together for three years. Eventually, we all left college. This was one piece removed from the Jenga tower. 

I guess that piece removal for Friend 1 and I wasn’t a very significant piece because our friendship saw no change. Our foundation was strong enough by the time we spent together, the things we have in common, and the fun we have.

But for Friend 2, that was a load-bearing piece.

Our entire Jenga tower crumbled.

After we left college, he blocked us, spread nasty rumors about us, and never told me why. Our friend group wasn’t in the same physical place anymore-- so I guess he didn't need to pretend to like me anymore for group cohesion.

So try to make sure your friendships are built on solid foundations.

If a big piece of the Jenga tower is that you and your friend have a “common enemy” to talk about, the friendship is more likely to crumble once the piece is removed.

Sometimes you won’t know what pieces hold your friendship together, until the tower crumbles. 

So I guess the Jenga Friendship Theory is that all friendships are built with Jenga pieces from the foundation to the top. Once there’s a change in your lives and a piece is removed, you can see if that one piece makes or breaks the friendship.

I know for almost all these posts I try to say something to give us hope at the end, but can I break that… just this once?

I’m scared, sad, and depressed. 

Every career goal, hobby, and activity I’ve ever loved has been defunded or slashed, and there’s nothing I can do about it

I graduated from college! Can't get a job.

I want to work in television! PBS gets defunded.

I have radio experience! NPR gets defunded.

I love being a POC! All DEI gets defunded.

I like going outside! Climate change is funded.

Like, this is a lot, and these are just hyper-specific to me. I’m sure every community is facing its own problems... unless you’re a straight white dude. 

And I just want to curl into a ball, hold myself, and wait for this to be over. 

Times are bad. We’re only 6 months in, but times are still really bad.

Tariffs, depression, jobs being gone, etc. 

It’s horrible. 

But what gives me some peace is looking back at these old posts. I remember how sad and depressed I was when I started this blog, and

"Those moments are now memories."

It’s nice knowing that we survived. 

Frankly, I didn’t know if we’d get this far, but we did!

I feel it’s important to have these posts as a time capsule, keeping track of all the atrocities that happened. 

Because it will feel so good to make it out of this mess and look back on it and say.

There are so many massive problems going on right now. I know originally I said I’d start freaking out when they started to affect me. 

And they have.

And my thoughts always go back to “Well, what am I supposed to do?”

My favorite things in life are getting defunded, and I just sorta sit here and go “Well, that sucks.”

It’s not to say I don’t care, but we've been getting punched down so much by all these bills and executive orders that now, when I get punched, I start to feel numb to it. 

I can’t uncage the children.

I can’t dismantle Alligator Alcatraz,

I can’t rebuild Sesame Street,

And I can’t save the world. 

But we can at least talk about it. 

Keeping issues in conversation so nothing’s ever forgotten is vital. Still standing strong on caring for these issues and making sure they don’t fade is important. 

'Cause maybe we can talk about them long enough to fix them. 

That post I wrote yesterday was actually from two months ago. I had a lot more optimism then.

Today I saw the news. Today I read that many bombs went off. Today, I fear for the lives of many.

To those lives:

I’m sorry.

You won’t hear it from our government, but I’m sorry.

I feel so helpless. It was one thing when all this bad political stuff was mostly contained to America, but now Iran? In this capacity? It's horrific.

I worry every day that we’re getting closer and closer to a war, and in this state, how am I supposed to defend this country?

I can not.

I’m scared. We’re scared. I don’t know what this holds for the future because it just happened.

I know I’m able to put a positive spin on most of my posts, but I got nothing today, guys.

We’ve got 3 more years, 4 months, and 8 days of this.

And we’re still here! Let’s gooooooo!

It’s 100% tough out here, but not tough enough to make us crack— so I consider that a win.

I know I’ve been gone for a bit, my bad. After the hype of getting one follower (thanks again @valsplace), I went on a power trip. 

In reality, I just took a break. I’ve been getting better at tuning this stuff out. It’s still horrible, and I learn about the different atrocities done by our government, but I’m also getting good at finding joy still. 

I watch movies,

I play games

I spend time with my friends

And that’s been healthy and helps take my mind off it. 

Today I went out to eat with my friend’s family and the restaurant had CNN on. 

Literally, every headline was something that just made me want to scream. But it’s like, internal screaming. 

I’m sort of getting used to seeing like, the worst thing ever, on TV now. Like, I’m becoming desensitized to it. 

Now that’s not to say I’m accepting it and that this is life now— I just am not as surprised when I see it. 

But it’s not bothering me and ruining the entirety of my days anymore. I know we’ll get through this, fight it, and something crazy (in our favor) will come from it. 

I’m just not sure what that’ll be yet.

But we woke up today, so maybe I'll think of something.

Do you have a friend that you don’t see very often? That you haven’t really hung out with since middle school or high school (etc) and anytime you hang out with them all you can talk about is the past?

What is that phenomenon?

Sometimes it makes me worried that that’s all we have left. Memories. That we've grown so far apart that the only thing we had in common now is our past.

I've dubbed this phenomenon "A 'Remember When' Friend" because that's all you guys have left.

My cousin has a few friends like that. 

But is that still a true friendship?

A friendship only based in the past?

I don’t know. The way I’ve learned to mitigate that feeling is you have to reintroduce yourself to them. 

Try to find new points of connectivity, as the person you're talking to is still your friend—but different. 

You sort of have to accept that they’re different now, and that’s okay. And then you have to face the tough question:

Are they still a friend you’d want in your life? 

And I don’t like those questions.

At the time I’m writing this it has been exactly two weeks (February 4th, 2025).

Now the first day he became President is a memory.

What a horrible memory it’s been. 

But we don’t have to relive it right?

The way I look at it is like this. In this hypothetical let's say in November 2024 I could give myself a choice. 

Live through Trumps full presidency?

Live through Trumps presidency, minus two weeks?

I’d pick the second option, and now we’re here. 

It’s the little things that keep me going. 

We woke up today! Yayyyy!

This is one of the first days I haven’t woken up with impending anxiety. Granted, I’m writing this on the 4th of February so who knows what will happen. 

But I feel more grounded in reality again after knowing that this is all part of his plan and that it’s not fully working. 

I like watching Trump fail.

This is tanking his approval ratings, a lot of his stuff is getting blocked and while the situation is still BAD it’s not as bad as he’s trying to make it look. 

It’s scary too when the "higher ups" don’t know what’s happening either. I normally turn to Hank Green for calmness but he’s freaking out too.

I even thought to get a therapist to talk to about this, but my friend told me that they tried talking to their therapist about this too and THEIR therapist is scared too. 

So, that’s not really helpful. 

But we woke up today, we’re still holding on, and we can get through this.

It’s crazy to think that there’s a day all about love. It’s either the best day for some people or the worst. 

Valentine’s Day was the worst for me growing up. I was always alone. It felt horrible, feeling like no one wanted me. 

I was always told to be my most authentic self and the right person will come by. But I stayed single for most of my grade school years. 

Apparently doing theatre, marching band, AND running your own game show wasn’t “cool and/or attractive”

Crazy, right?

But nothing was gonna stop me from being me— and nothing should stop you either because this is one of my first Valentine’s Days NOT alone. And I’m thankful for this because I know how far I've come. 

Once in 10th grade, I got a rose sent to my class saying that someone admired me. Me and my friends did our best to rule out all the girls who it could be. Ten minutes later I got a text asking if I liked my surprise. 

It was my mom.

In college, my hurtful S/O-at-the-time couldn’t be there for Valentine’s Day and no matter where I walked I saw couples dancing, kissing, or going on dates. My 1st roommate [Killua] and his girlfriend even booted me out of the room so they could "spend time together." 

And I cried in a study room alone.

Even in 12th grade and my last year of college I got dumped in January and felt the aftereffects in February, missing people who I felt didn't miss me. 

Man did that sting. 

But this year I actually have someone by my side. Someone who knows about the theatre, marching band, and shows I make and they love me for it. 

No matter what pains I felt in Valentine’s Day past I never let it crush me (fully) and didn’t change who I was because I knew someone would see those great qualities in me. 

So if you’re reading this, don’t hide who you are— or you might miss the person who will love you for that. 

Trust me.

It’s just RIGHT HOOK, LEFT HOOK, RIGHT HOOK, LEFT HOOK

Like MAN TAKE A BREAK

The constant blast of different executive orders back-to-back-to-back is killing me.

It’s like a flurry of attacks and it’s making me dizzy. So much is happening at once. It feels like I’m being punched in the face constantly. 

Every morning it’s something NEW and then I freak out. 

It’s like BOOM: FREEZE ON SPENDING

Then BOOM: ICE AT YOUR DOOR

Then BOOM: NO MORE BLACK HISTORY MONTH

Like, take a NAP MAN.

Luckily since I read that article I feel better. Like, a lot of his crazy things haven’t gone through, or been blocked.  Some things sadly have but not everything. 

Also knowing that this is just a strategy he's using makes me feel a bit more calm. 

But I am SICK of the flurry attacks. 

But we WOKE UP TODAY and we WON’T STAND FOR IT.

So boom.