Sometimes I just wish that I was dead or didn’t have to go through this. Sometimes I want to sit pack and sleep to the point everything starts so go to the right direction.
This is what my life holds “up” to, or at least what made me to this point:
I grew up with an almost perfect family until I was 11 and my father died. My mother was always the one giving me rules and restrict my movements. I liked my dad, not her. As a single child after my dad died I got literally all mothers attenion she gave to my father fist.. When he died it was the same as my childhood was over and welcome “adulthood” at 11 years.
At summer I was restricted to be home at 9pm, that was almost okay with me until I turned 15. But I live in a country that has really dark winters, so mother had to have me at home already at 6pm. She said it was normal. None of my friends had a time like I had in the winter! She was so overprotective I couldn’t go outside without letting her know I went out with trusted friends. Already at secondary school I was so pissed to her overwhelming I often I said I’d go out with friends but what I truly did was that I went to a park that had a hill with a rock wall. I went there to walk at the edge and think if I should do it or not... I thought that I didn’t have to suffer to live. But thinking my friends I couldn’t do it. Thinking my mother who never understood me (and still doesn’t) I always wanted to make the jump.
I never were good enough to my mother. “You should study harder!”, “What have you done in your room if your grade is that bad!”, “Have you been listening to music when you are supposed to study? You must understand that you have the exam tomorrow! You can’t pass it by just listening to music and sitting here doing really nothing!”, etc. "admiring” (read: reproaching) words and sentences almost every week of my life going school. I have a reading difficulty which makes it harder to read and learn as fast as the others. I was always behind schedule BAD when it came to reading. Truth is, I studied as hard as I could most of the time AND my grades were average all the time. I mean, not good, but not bad. Average.
Choosing my education route whether I’d go to high school or vocational school (is that really the right word? Vocational school?) was an easy pick. My mother of course wanted me to high school. Thank god we agree for once! But which high school... I wanted to go the path makes me happy, lets me learn from myself for the future and the occupation I want to spend my life to. My mother... Can I kill her? She wanted me to go to school, which admission requires a higher grade than the average. I didn’t have it but I promised her that I’d put it as primary school I’d “want in” just to end the fight. At this time there were already signs of her having trust issue with me. I’d still put the one I wanted to and got in.
My time at high school was great, I enjoyed it and I really felt like I was where I belonged to. Only that my mother crushed my dreams one by one every time I’d talk about my current interest. The same problem always followed her arguments. Money. “They don’t get payed well”, “That is something I don’t see you doing. They really do nothing to get payed. And those people are nothing to our community.”, That would be the same as driving a garbage truck” etc. again...
At some point my mother saw that something is wrong. She thought it was my fathers death. I tried to tell her that it was not but because I couldn’t tell her what is wrong she forced me to go to youngsters therapy. What I talked there was purely my anger, fear and problems with my mother. Even the therapists have reacted to what they have heard about my mother like I am a victim. Or at least I feel like a victim.
Then came the day when my mother made my graduating day a nightmare instead of a great day to remember. Literally, at my graduation party. I remember putting my graduation certificate into view so guests can look at it. At one moment my lovely cousin comes to me asking for it. Then I noticed it was gone. I had studied hard on those grades and even when they weren’t good I was proud of the grades because I thought I got the worst possible past on most of them. And I didn’t! Anyway I went to ask my mom who takes me then to her bedroom and gives them to me. I asked why he took them there to hide it from people? She answered “Well, we can’t show it to the guests, I am ashamed of those grades!” I only rolled eyes to her and walked out of the room with my graduation certificate and a big, half fake smile for the quests..
From that day on it has gone only worse, especially when I moved out when I turned 19 years old. I have been shout at for not having any proper plan for finding my future occupation, not doing anything to find any ‘good’ schools that pleases her mind, not doing anything for my life etc.. Because every option I throw at her isn’t nearly as good as those she wants me in and I don’t. It is like she have planned my whole life beforehand and it includes a lot of money and a good job where I can have more money. Everyone starts at the bottom and it seems my mother can’t accept that I, “the perfect daughter who is not so perfect as she should be”, am there any moment of my life. She wants me straight to he top when I want to stay low because I don’t care about having too much money.
Also one thing that bothers me too... She thinks all gay or lesbian people has a mental illness, which is why they date people same sex. Now, I am bi-sexual, and I haven’t told it to her for a reason.
I got a mental illness from my (women's volunteer) time at the military. I was there a year and this mental illness in its worst affects my physical health and that way to school. Last year I studied something I found interesting and my mother would’ve accept as an occupation for me. For nothing. It only made my illness worse for me. So now I am studying adults courses at vocational school to be a clothing maker as a hobby while I try to find my true occupation. It has always been a dream for me to be able to make clothes for myself, by myself. And I’ll save money by doing that. But... Again, my mother doesn’t like it. Oh, it gets even better this time she doesn’t accept me as I am so she tried to use every option to literally get my dreams off from the sky. (I read a straight referring to that “dream dropping” from my mothers text message to my boyfriend.) When I last spoke to her it was the first time since she stopped talking to me and either of us didn’t want to talk about my school. I felt relieved but scared. Is this the calm before the storm again?
My boyfriend have tried to speak some sense to her brain but she doesn’t believe anything he says about me or how things are done somewhere else outside of the capital.
People who have helped me besides my boyfriend:
You two have reminded me about the good in fighting towards my dreams. I have no other option to go now but through the brick walls around me to see the light at the end of the tunnel... It is really dark now tough. And I am going through some mentally painful stuff..
I think the worst part is whhat my mother says all the time “I love you as you are” and “I know your father would be at my side of this school thing.” All those sentences that hurt me to try and make me surrender and go where ever she is pointing. How inappropriate even is to say a dead person is on her side? Father was better than her. She tries to use it against me. I’m 23 years now. I can say where I want or need to go. not you and your imagination based on your knowledge that are not even true, mother.
