This Girl Can Roar

Some days I feel like I am drowning. floating down stream without an anchor or hope to hold onto. and it overwhelms me. it takes even the best of memories or moments and turns them sour. taints them with anxiety. And I don’t know how to change that.

I see myself compared to the person I used to be. and I can see the differences. trust me. but it all just feels out of my control. like I am a passenger on a train and there are no stops to get off. 

Do you ever really recover from anxiety? or does that moment. the moment that it all started. keep replaying in the pit of your stomach over and over again. until the day it finally stops. 

the other day I was driving through the city. reflecting on my life choices. who I am now and where I came from. and a song came on. and I realised. I won. 

It is funny how as relationships progress. we forget how it all felt in the beginning. the butterflies. the longing looks. the overwhelming desire of it all. Every day life takes hold and we are too busy for the long overly sweet text messages and declarations of love. It falls by the wayside because we think that being there every day is enough. but maybe it isn’t. maybe that is where people go wrong. I think you need to never stop trying. never stop caring. never stop making sure the other person knows they are loved. never stop making an effort. 

Every day is a choice. I choose to love you. I choose to trust you. I choose not to let me insecurities eat away at me. But what happens if one day I don’t choose you because I’m hurting or aching. 

And just like that. the nest we’ve built would crumble. and we would be left with nothing but memories and what ifs. 

I hate when we are fighting and you give me ultimatums. because ultimatums are treacherous. in the heat of the moment. all it takes. is for anger and hurt to take over. to utter an answer that has the potential to destroy everything. and then pride shows up. and refuses to take it back. 

Over the past two years I have become something of a feminist. A forbidden word in the circles in which I used to run. A heinous, disgusting word. That gave girls and women the independence to lead rather than follow. To speak out. To stand up. To fight for what they believe in. After all. This girl can roar. 

And roar I did. I stood up to those who told me what was best for me. And stood up for those who were judged and condemned. I chose love. The lion within me took a deep breathe of courage. And roared, “I AM DONE!” 

Done with hypocrisy. Done with judgement. Done with looking down on people who were different. Done with this love and grace that was highly selective. I was done. And that will forever be the first day of the rest of my life. 

The future terrifies me and I can’t quite pinpoint why that is. Perhaps it is the uncertainty of it all. The fact that up until you my future was pretty set. Pretty straightforward. Pretty monotonous. And then there was you. Someone who is never content to settle for the easiest path in life. Someone who is ready for change. Who welcomes it with open arms. And if we are to remain an ‘us’ I must welcome that change too. With a willing heart and steady hands. I must leap into the unknown with my head held high ready to face whatever it may bring. I must. I must. I must. 

I need to bury the people who tried to destroy me. I’ll dig a grave, somewhere deep inside my mind. For the ones who have abused me in the worst possible way. the people who claimed to be my friends before leaving me all alone. shut out in the dark. I have to bury these people.

What they deserve is erasure, being forgotten, being totally inconsequential whilst I pursue every hope and dream I have ever had in mind or in heart. 

I will take every single person who lessened my shine and bury their memory, without mercy under the glow of everything that makes me who I am. 

And who I am right now. in this moment. is a living. breathing. example of how you can survive hell and still. still keep shining. 

You are my wolf. You came into my life when I was nothing more than a chameleon trying my best to blend into a world that didn’t want the real me. You gave me a voice. You taught me how to roar. How to be fierce. How to lead instead of follow. And I am so incredibly thankful for all that you are. for all that you do. 

i love you for listening to me babble. I love you for pulling me into your lap and holding me tight. I love you for arguing with me. for compromising with me. for forgiving me. I love you when we cook together and I run around after you cleaning the (way too many) dishes that you use. I love you as you scrub the bird poo off the balcony for the millionth time. I love your determination. your commitment. your passion. 

I love you. All of you. Every beat and bit of you. Thank for helping me become who I am today.