bloody catharsis

I'm back here and feel like this page misses the same sign. I'm back here and I'm not sure it's fun anymore

i was never meant to live long enough to become an adult. i wasn't built to be loved. reality has a fun way of reminding these harsh truths to ur immature, stupid, unlovable face

oh, to think i contemplated excepting not looking how i want 'cause my-husband-to-be wanted me to have "a feminine figure". to think i found peace in cooking 'cause preparing meals made me feel warm, at home, at living and caring one. oh, to know I'm forever and ever so stupid-stupid-stupid to fall for this fairytale

i feel like i'm not even dieting anymore, i'm actively eating-disordering.

like i skip 1 meal because i'm not at home and i don't have that much money and i'm extra sleepy so i buy a coffee — and that's it, i'm not eating for the next 20 hours

but the fucking second i get my hands on food that i crave — i'm done, i'm eating all of it and everything there is in the fridge and in the cupboards

obviously i don't lose weight this way

school I'm supposed to have a "teaching experience" at doesn't have enough staff soooo, we, students, are gonna teach kids for a month. this is our practice. nobody tells us how to do it, nobody gives us advice, we just. teach kids. even though we have zero experience. for a fucking month. for free. is this even legal?

to other news. there are some rules about our image. that means i had to take off my piercing I've been wearing since i was 14. i have dresscode even though i have no clothes that applies to it. that's more or less okay i can borrow it from my mom. but. I'm supposed to have a second pair of shoes w/ me to change in the school so it's clean. and. I'm sorry bitxhes but I'm broke. i only own one. i wear the same pair of snickers in summer, fall and winter. what do u mEAN I HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER. WELL BUY IT AND GIVE IT TO ME. U DON'T EVEN PAY ME

anyway. hate capitalism. cried and vomited (tend to do that when I'm extra upset)

it's my last year and it starts with teaching practice (we go to schools and kinda learn to teach children) and since school students wear uniform and stuff we are supposed to wear something similar, no t-shirts, bright makeup, etc. AND I'M FREAKING OUT. i don't own clothes in that style, I'd have to borrow my mom's, and it doesn't fit me and i don't have money to buy some?? y r they only telling us now 'bout that shit??

i'm afraid they're gonna tell me to take off my piercings and good thing i didn't dye my hair yet

BUT

DYING HAIR IS MY FUCKING COPING MECHANISM AND I CAN'T SLEEP CAUSE OF ANXIETY so guess who just spent an hour dying eyebrows cutting hair n doing hair routine like using hair conditioner for the first time in literal YEARS (bitch i'm depressed i don't shower every day don't hate on me) while listening to marina idle teen at 1am

(still. i am not feeling good. if u kno what i mean)