zeeventblog

Tumblr is like this ocean filled with small little islands and every blog is it's own island. And the people on these islands are constantly blogging and posting 'MY ISLAND IS OPEN FOR YOU TO VISIT' but then no one does. Because while everyone wants other people to visit their island they never wanna leave and visit someone else's.

I wish I could express how much I dislike the 'babygirl-ification' of fictional villains without being ostracized from the fandom.

I thought my general dislike/distrust of the human population on earth was starting to get better. Then I re-read all my venting posts on this blog and realized 'oh no, I still hate people'. And then even when I type that out a little voice in my head tells me that's not really true. A part of me does want to believe in the goodness of others, but it's hard when I'm so broken that any good I do see feels like I'm trying to fill a bottomless bucket.

Been crying because the Cassandra curse has hit again where I've run into multiple people who don't believe/understand me. First I ran into a hairdresser that seemed to take it really REALLY badly that I didn't like how she cut my hair. And even though I tried to be polite and let her know I didn't mind so much she acted as though I lit her baby on fire. The only way I could figure out why she reacted this way is because I laugh/smile as a defense mechanism, attempt to reassure the other person it's fine, when giving bad news and maybe she took that as me being passive aggressive? Idk man, I'm autistic, I try not to step onto people's toes but can't seem to react the right way no matter what I do. Then I ran into someone who is supposed to help people with autism and adhd that didn't seem to understand that 'no, the sun does not cure my adhd/autism in the morning so it'll be easier to get up early.' I just need time to adjust to new things/situation, just because it's sunny outside doesn't change that fact... I know there are people with worse problems in the world, but this kind of stuff has been happening to me all my life and it's really worn me down. I'm already practically living like a hermit because I can't deal with other people, but when it's even the kind of people you can't really avoid it makes me feel like I need more drastic measures to get away from them.

There's this girl in our friend group that I dislike to the point that whenever she's invited, I'm not going. That also means that I'm starting to become an outsider to the friend group because I've told no one about my dislike of her. Sometimes I'm not able to avoid her and whenever I encounter her it just makes me dislike her even more. The reason I dislike her is because I've never had a single conversation with her where we talked as equals or just fully agreed on something. Whenever she talks to me it always feels like I'm being lectured, and whenever I reply it's constantly being questioned. She doesn't know me at all yet talks like she knows me and my life better than I do. It's exhausting, really. I really don't want to talk to her, at all. I know I should talk to her and work things out, but she's got diagnosed borderline and has a tendency to react aggressively at anything resembling criticism and I just don't have the energy to walk on eggshells around her. I had to do that all my life with my dad, I don't want to have more people in my life that require me to do it all over again. I also really don't want to put our friends in a position where they have to juggle their friendship with the both of us or make them feel like they have to choose so maybe I should just dip out of the friend group completely.

I hate that I still fight the people who hurt me in my head. Even though I physically walked away from them, my mind is still there in the trenches, fighting for my life.

I'm in pain but I might as well be saying 'wubbalubbadubdub' as it amounts to the same response...

Man, I've got no clue how social etiquette works on this website, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask...

Had therapy today, and over the 20+ years I've been in and out of therapy I've never been taken serious in my claims that I had depression. Mostly because I dip in and out of it, and by the time it was my turn to get therapy, I'd be out of it again. (I also have a bad habit of downplaying my issues but that's neither here nor there.) So today, while I was in one of my lows, my therapist got to see how bad it gets and while I'm not happy it made her worried, I am happy that I'm finally about to get officially diagnosed.

I hate how commercial birthdays have become. My inbox was full of companies congratulating me and begging me to buy stuff from them with sale coupons they 'gifted' me. Great. /s

Kinda sucks not having social skills both offline and online.

It doesn't matter what kind of social media I use, I'm invisible and friend-less everywhere.

It's one of those days where even my baggy clothes feel too tight on my body and nothing feels right

Things I had to unlearn: If you're autistic and interacting with people is exhausting, that's not an autistic trait per-se. It just means that you're traumatized by people not understanding or even respecting you. The effort you have to make to be understood, to be respected is what's exhausting. I found that when I met people that made an effort to understand, to be respectful, that's when they stop costing me so much energy.

Hate how life has set me up so I mostly attract narcissistic people. Better no DnD than bad DnD. Better no friends than bad friends.

I see people on here complaining about how they don't feel safe on Tumblr but also reply to every bit of anon hate they get. And I just can't bring myself to feel sorry for them.