Ladykillers

“Do you ever get so fed up of the way you are that you want to shut everyone out and be all alone for a very long time?”

If we break up, I want closure. None of this bitter high school mentality that usually follows after someone leaves. I want a long talk about what went wrong, why we couldn’t fix it, and how we’ll move on afterward. I want to know how I made you feel and what thought-process led you to the decision that you’re making. Because if I spent a fraction of my life devoted to loving you, you can’t expect me to let you go without any explanation as to why you’re going in the first place. If I love you, there will always be a piece of me that loves you. So let’s talk it through and forgive each other, neither of us are perfect and we’re both still learning how to love. And that’s okay, it is. But instead of seeing each other the next day and awkwardly pretending we weren’t ever anything at all, let’s forgive each other now and move on. Make peace.

Before you left I made a promise to myself that I would never forget you. I swore I would remember every moment and every laugh and every piece of you. But this is five months later and I can’t remember what it felt like to make you smile. I’m trying, I promise I’m trying, I’m trying so much it hurts. My heart hurts. I miss you and I miss being with you and I would give anything to get even a second back, and then maybe remembering wouldn’t be so hard. I thought getting over you was the worst pain I would ever go through until I found out what forgetting you felt like. Please don’t slip through my fingers, you’re all I have left.

So much of my life has been about doing better, being better, for you, being a person who deserved you. How did you honestly expect me to still be that person when I don’t have a reason to anymore, when I don’t have you anymore?