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I believe that I will always be the failure, i just know myself and I have never won, it's always been this way since always. I learn a skill get good at it win the first few levels and then boom i start loosing and then there's the downfall nothing can stop that nothing.

Be it anything my teachers are proud of me and somehow find a way to make them ashamed. Be it academic sports or any other hobby, i don't know what's wrong with me i know this is not me but oh god i can't stop it

I loved playing chess I used to Play it every day , I wished that i would cross 400 elo some day and now that I am at 530 elo I don't want to play anymore. Whenever I commit myself to something I end up doing worse than ever before. I was supposed to be preparing for a marathon and here I am sitting in a park writing a article about how incompetent i am at 6:30 pm while procrastinating a walk A WALK not even a run I was supposed to be better and the article was supposed to be written yesterday, i wrote a note announcing it, yet here I am still not fullfiing my promise to myself.

I can never take a challenge because i don't believe in myself because I know can't and the only way to move forward is to take a challenge even a small challenge just to gain some confidence yet the vicious cycle doesn't allow me.

Before anyone comes up and tells me 13 you should start a reward system I did it I tried But my mind knows that there is actually no system and all of this based on self discipline which i lack seriously.

I am sorry i ranted way to much but it's necessary to let the load off in order to move forward

Also if anyone knows good short stories in hindi please recommend me some

Thanks

Bye

Don't start making your assumptions, I am not a pessimist I don't hate love i could never. But I know myself I know how I think how i function. Love requires you to let yourself, to say I am yours. And I can't do that, i can't look at someone and be completely lost in them, don't hate me. The truth is I have become apathetic I don't feel things anymore,if a person is does dies in front of me I won't even flinch i don't care anymore and that is very scary. Because I used to but I can't anymore it's too much, understanding everyone's perspective and them not even thinking if they hurt you, that's true that how people are , don't pity me i have become one of them.

I remember I looked at someone who I had a huge crush on and genuine wanted them as my partner but all I could think about how I wouldn't even think twice about leaving them if they start fighting or start being annoying. (Fault mujhme me hai) But I genuinely can't just think i wouldn't get hurt if I start getting attached and this has started spreading its root in my non romantic relationships too.

I completely believe that nobody will ever fall in love me, maybe that's my insecurity speaking I don't know. All i know is I will never fall in love. People ask me about my teenage romance and when I say nothing they personally get offended, how do I explain I am literally fighting myself. I can't trust people anymore and that is very sad way too sad.

I still believe in love stories, I do image my non existent husband while listening to romantic songs, but I also always remind myself that he will always be non existent. I still want a relationship like paravti maa and shiv ji.

I feel I am hurt just by seeing the news and slowly i have also turned toxic and i don't want to return to normal cause being toxic has protected my peace much more than being understanding ever did.

Thank you

I first saw it in the tv on national geographic when I fighting my father for the remote and then u appeared and the world sort of stopped. Looking at u I was a mere 6 year old child falling in love with that white uniform and those godlen patches u had in that first farme. I grew up and i remember hallucinating about u when I gave that exam and god it felt telepathic it felt as if this is what I am meant for ofcourse this is it growing up all i would ka research about u all i would think is about u.

While writing my name i would always tend to add yours before mine because u made me complete u made me who I am, and I always will be yours. All of covid was look up about u the ways to reach u how I could become a better person just to reach u all i remember is thinking about you because how could I even for a second think about something else when u are there in this world. When I was in class 8 there came my first failure i failed to reach u i failed to do it and god the way it broke my heart . Then u gave me a gift and I was beyond happy beyond any happiness a 14 year old could or would ever experience. I waited for the time and then came my family especially father who thought I wasn't enough and me change those subjects made me look away from u, how could I when thinking about anything other than u feels like a sin how do I stop loving u . I still geared up tried to reach u through some other way maybe just maybe i could if I tried hard if I just did it enough if I worked hard enough if I studied enough maybe my passion could save me.

And those years passed my best friend was able to make it she did it and i am happy for her having someone as special as u will brighten up anyone's world. Slowly i felt like a failure a failure someone who couldn't reach something it loved so much. All i could was yearn and I am helpless. Whenever something even remotely related to u arrives it feels as if my heart will rip out of my chest. I love you so much that these words are incapable of explaining it. I have come to realise i will never achieve u in this lifetime and that is unfortunately my truth the truth i have to live with. But no matter what my love for u will never go away I will always and forever admire your strength your discipline your character everything about you.

I love you . I love you more than myself.

After 3 years a reel came up on my Instagram feed i remember laughing a second before watching that and then i remember crying my heart out when I saw you when I remembered what u made how much I loved you and how much i still do. My love for you will never stop that's who u are.

People always ask me how come I never had teenage romance and i wanted to say was I saw my whole world when I was 6 . How could I ever had romance when my love was with me all the time . I love you but I will cutoff my arm if I ever reach for you. And now this is our relationship.

I hope you prosper much more .

This is the last time I will ever talk about you.

Bye

this is my experience and my own NOT the absolute truth

Good evening,

For context I never had male friends growing up, no I was not in an only girls school and no my parents weren't that conservative. During my school times I was never shy while talking to boys I could carry conversations easily with them but they were just my classmates and never a friend. I was fine with it and never craved male friendships, during my evening play time I used to play with boys but I never saw them as a friends for some reason. Whenever i would talk to them i would start getting weirded out after a while and would take the decision to leave.

Cut to current times I made some online male friends during my competitive exam prep and I was happy with the fact that finally i have some male friends.

Slowly i observed how men or boys were so comfortable pornograaphic imagery in public, and how common it was to consume such content with their friends. Reading all those messages made something churn inside my stomach, on further instances in learned how they would search to watch mms and review it with their friends. I was speechless to say the least, I asked them do they not fell weird doing such things in public and their responses were “ye to common hai sab ladke karte hai, itni badi baat nahi hai”.

They have no hesitation rating women on their boob sizes and calling them maal and item. Sending borderline pornograaphic memes on the group chat.

I feel sad and disturbed. I never observe it closely enough but now I see such references in every Teenage group of boys, how sexual imagery is so common within their circles.

On inquiring further I learned this is passed by the older gen of boys and they teach younger ones how it's so masculine to belitte a women and seeing her as a sexual object is so called COOL.

Whenever i reaised my voice all I heard was “yaar ye ladkiya itni sensitive kyu hoti hai” or “ladkiyo ko to nikaal dena chahiye”.

Moving On from people you love

I am not talking about relationships

First let me introduce myself,

Hi I am 13 yes I am 13 the number why u may ask well I like it and also because the character 13 from house md is someone I feel connected to anyways the topic.

Moving on from people u love and i mean people u genuinely want to succeed, people who know u more than your parents those homies.

A few months back I made some friends some those I could say anything to well being specific they are online still it doesn't change anything as a matter of fact i believe this was the only way I could have people in my life, we use to talk everyday disscus almost everything for around one month i remember waking up and texting good morning in the group even before getting up. And that from me is a lot i loved talking to them. Now the time has passed people have moved on the group has reduced to half .The main group is dead, very few of us talk, and to be genuine I liked it I liked it to say oh the only true homies are the one that are left and it's true, but now talking to them feels more like an obligation than actual happiness which is weird cause I never imagined this would happen. In fact i developed a bit of crush on one of the boy in the group we used to talk a lot and now i feel numb. Looking at the reels i receive I feel numb but i wasn't supposed to feel this way I was supposed to be happy finally i found my people why the hell do I feel disinterested why do I not like this anymore. I guess I need to move on and to those who think I am the worst friend there to exist well the i would be better for me to leave in any situation my presence will be more harmful than my presence and that is why I think I should move on. To not make them hate me because i have started to.

(I don't have the heart to block them so i will restrict them atp but I will in a week or so)