Ten Lines to Use on a Hipster
In all honesty, I’ve spent more time with the “subculture” than I’d care to admit, and I think it’s about time I teach you all how to properly interact with these pompous assholes. This column acts as an avenue through which you can impress that sexy hipster girl in the floral dress, engage with an androgynous, American Apparel wearing fox, or even communicate with an overly conceited twat, while still maintaining your own falsely pretentious aura.
Quick disclaimer: All lines must be said with a mixture of apathy and arrogance.
10. Regarding film: Like music, focus on the independent and unknown. For mainstream films, you want to critique viciously. Your new opinion of Winnie the Pooh: “I really found it difficult to believe Tigger’s blind optimism and faith in the surrounding world. He exaggerated well-beyond any convincing respect.”
9. Regarding your career: You no longer barista at the local Tim Horton’s. Now, you’re an aspiring artist. Remember to compliment your work with arrogance. “My work’s experimental with rustic tinges best encapsulated by an aura of sepia. I have a show next week in B-Side if you’re interested.”
8. Regarding transportation: No driving. You bike. Also, you don’t need to know anything about bikes. Required words: “Carbon,” an animal name, random number/letter combinations, and “a mother fucking basket.” “I ride a simple Air 9 Carbon, Fox F29RL, Crest wheels, full X.0 and carbon cockpit, 22.14lbs, with a mother fucking basket.” In simpler terms, “My bike is purple.”
7. Regarding fashion: The new jeans from Urban and the flashy American Apparel t-shirt can now only be described as, “Oh, this? I’ve had it forever.” But glasses, glasses are always new.
6. Regarding food: Be honest. It’s typical if you’re a vegan or vegetarian. You earn ironic points if you love meat.
5. Regarding music: Rather than saying, “The new Ke$ha album was so catchy and dance friendly,” try this: “The new Ke$ha album was okay, but nowhere near the level of her first. It’s like she refused to stay true to what made her music truly unique in the first place. Now, she’s merely conforming to her newly-propagated fan-base, schmoozing for affection. It’s disgusting.”
4. Regarding music…again: To hipster’s you’re only allowed to name drop three bands: The Smiths, The Pixies, and Pavement. “I’m really into The Smiths. Morrissey’s self-bastardizing lyrics unravel a peculiar ventricle in the pit of my heart.”
3.5. Still regarding music: But if you must delve into your true musical tastes, DON’T; instead, makeup bands. Hipsters conveniently name their bands using this formula: Animal + Random Word (Frightened Rabbit, Pepper Rabbit…Peter Rabbit). “Oh, other bands I enjoy? I have a thing for the lo-fi, garage sound like Static Sloth, Shrimp Po’ Boys, and Asparagus.”
3. Regarding your art: The easiest way to convince a hipster you’re artistic is through poetry. The easiest way to do this is to simply eliminate as many verbs as you can while speaking. “Bleak. Pale bark with enamel, decayed—motionless, eager, imbuing.” The more incomprehensible, the better.
2. Regarding the opposite sex: Male, female, kitten: you fuck any and all things. Men, you like your girls with a hint of masculinity, and, women, you prefer effeminate dudes. A true hipster looks no more male than it does female. “I like my men/women (you’re also bisexual) a smidge awkward but unabashed by archetypal norms that society brands on sexes.”
1. Regarding hipsters: We all know any dignified hipster will undoubtedly object to being dubbed a “hipster,” not unlike a Tea-Party candidate to being a racist. But in many instances, they display no shame in labeling their peers. “No fucking way I’m a hipster, but Eloise, whose real name is actually Lisa, is a Vice reading snob with musical tastes revolving around the glorified cock that is Pitchfork."
