Friday, September 16, 7:15 PM Today I went to my first appointment ever with a psychiatrist. Here's my experience: At first I was so nervous and scared, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what I was suppose to do or to say. I was simply freaking out. Besides my fears, I went with my dad and that was really uncomfortable because we've never talked about this issue. I wasn't even sure if my mom have told him something about it. I waited for like 15 minutes and then they called me and I met the doctor. She was really nice and sympathetic. She asked me why did I think I was doing there. It was really hard to talk with her at the beginning but slowly it become easier and easier. It haven't passed not even 5 minutes when she told me clearly and straight, that I had anorexia. My heart shrink. It was it. I was diagnosed. I was validated. As we kept talking, she kept pointing out my symptoms and sings. She said that I was the typical profile of an anorexic girl. She said that my obsession about being perfect and therefore, losing weight, can be treated with pills but she wants to try without them first. My mind didn't stop racing during the whole hour. I wanted to say so many things but at the same time I didn't want to say anything. I was honest but I kept still too many things to myself. I kept Tumblr and Twitter. I kept diet pills. I kept my purging tries. I kept details. But I guess that's okay. It's okay to keep things to myself if I'm not really to say then aloud. She said that I look anorexic, I don't looked skinny, I look sick. She weighed me and she wants me first to maintain my weight and then to win 2-3 kg. I will have to be weighed by my parents once per week. She warned me that if I keep losing weight she will need to transfer me to a specialist and things would get hard. If things with her don't work, this specialist would be stricter and I would be weighed basically every day and that if I lose even 100 grams, they would have the obligation to inter me in the clinic and put me on a feeding tube. That scares me. I need to think well about things. A part of me wants to recover. A part of me wants to wake up and eat oatmeal and boiled eggs at breakfast, to eat protein and veggies at lunch, to have a delicious snack after school, to have dinner. A part of me wants to exercise and get fit and get healthy and hot. But another part wants quite the opposite. A part of me wants to pretend I eat breakfast, to skip lunch, to forget about unnecessary and useless snacks, to go to bed with the stomach empty, to lie about having eaten and tricking my weekly weigh ins. A part of me wants to become cadaverous and skeletal. I just need to take a decision, a decision that would probably mark my life. She said that she don't want me to have anorexia my whole life, but I'm not sure if I want the same. As she talked, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that maybe I should try it. Maybe I should eat, gain weight and pretend I'm recovering. Maybe if I do, in about a year or two they would totally forget about it, and when I'm alone at college I can fade away again. I just don't know what I will do. I just hope to take the right decision and I'm really thankful with my whole family who's giving me all their love and support. Maybe I should do it for them. Went I get out, my dad asked how it went and asked me if I wanted to talk about it, I said "no" and he understood. Then my mom texted me. Then my aunt and sister talked to me. They took me to have dessert, my sister was happy for me when I told them how it all went and my aunt told me wise things. "Your body is like a machine. Your soul is using it during this life and you need to care of it. If you don't, it will last less time." "If you don't love yourself, who will?" "Your body is what others see. I you don't love it, people will know you don't and therefore they will not be able to love you." Wise words. My grandmother called me and she said she has chocolate, milk and bread at her house. I love them. Maybe I will do it for them. Why is this worth it anyways? Why I am doing this? To prove my classmates wrong? To reach buys I can be pretty? I'm doing this for the people that hurt me? Why I'm letting them to keep hurting me? My mom and dad will have a talk with the dr and I will see her once per week. This first meeting gave me a lot to think.
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