Learning How To Human

3.10.19 A huge reason why I lose friends is that I don’t like how I act around them. I don’t like when I try to act like someone I’m not around people. I find it really easy to act cool and like I don’t care, or that I’m cool and older and a role model, but I don’t like acting that way. I like being able to be honest and awkward and caring. I like to be seen as someone who wants to unlock the secrets of the universe and figuring out why people do what they do. I want to be seen more for who I am rather than the beliefs I have. Yeah, I’m trans, but I don’t want to be followed because I’m trans. Yeah, I’m an atheist-agnostic, but I don’t want to be followed because I’m atheist-agnostic. Yeah, I hate porn-bots, so back off, porn-bots. I just want to be seen as another person who posts about his struggles. That’s really all I am. I’m just a kid trying to survive while sharing his life on the internet and picking off hair from his clothes since he sheds so very much. I’m not trying to search for drama, and I’m not trying to complicate things. I’m just here to talk and to coexist. I’m going to try improving, but that also might mean that I won’t post as often since I have already deleted one post before publishing it between the release of this one and the previous one. It is hard to write things when you can’t think of how to phrase them correctly. Please ask me questions in the meantime. I’d rather be seen by you as a fellow person than as some Social Media God To Be Worshipped. I’m just a person trying to see the points of view of all individuals. There are some people who are conservative that are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. There are some liberal ideas that I don’t agree with. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way to fall politically. The only wrong way I can think of is intentionally hurting other people without a good reason. In this case, a good reason would have to be specific, like if this person had really high self-confidence that could be getting them in danger, and even then, it would be more criticizing their ego than their actual self. Or, maybe, if this person seriously hurt someone else (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) and hasn’t shown remorse towards said person. We can respect other people without agreeing with them. A lot of times, when I get emotional about a topic, I rant about it on Tumblr. I’m sorry about that. That makes it sound like I’m a hypocrite, talking about respecting other opinions and then ranting about other opinions. That was never my intention, and I will do my best to stop. I’m going to try to be better. I’m always trying, but I’m letting you know that I’m not doing nothing. I’m also going to try to post some sketches I’ve been working on for a story and some art progress that I’ve been making. I don’t want a trans account, I’m more than trans, so I’m not going to talk about being trans all the time. Yeah, it affects me constantly, but it doesn’t define me. Here are some little human things about me: - I just ordered a dress shirt printed with tyrannosauruses riding bicycles (I only fit XXL boys’ and XS men's’ clothes) - I begged my parents for my own recycling bin for months - I really really really love hoodies - My favorite movies when I was younger were “The Aristocats”, “The Land Before Time”, “Cars”, “Stuart Little”, and “Harry Potter”. - I have always wanted to be a writer but only recently have I considered screenwriting or drawing as a career. - I feel guilty and depressed if I act in a way I don’t like or if I’m feeling too happy, even if both would be completely okay to another person. - My favorite flower is a dahlia. - I make dragons from “How To Train Your Dragon” out of rubber bands. I generally follow tutorials on YouTube by Cortney Nicole, but I have made several original dragons that actually look realistic based off of the skills I’ve learned. - I have a slight obsession with groundhogs. - My mom’s nickname for me is “chicken”. - I love safety pins and paper clips. - My hope is that one day I can spend a week living on a train that travels around Canada by myself and it will be the most productive week of creativity and inspiration. - I am scared that alien life might not exist, and I am scared of the end of the world. - The worst nightmare I ever had was where the world was ending, and I had an opportunity off the planet, but I couldn’t find my best friend, and I wanted to die. I woke up sweating and crying, and I still think about it a lot. - I also really want to build a miniature city one day and have it sit on a table in my house one day. - I kind of want to be rich one day, live in a small apartment, and spend my money on my neighbors’ food and charity and gummy Lifesavers. - My sink is clogged with hair at all times. - I always carry three BIC Velocity pencils with me at all times (one 0.5 graphite, one 0.7, one 0.9). There’s probably more, but this is already a long list. That’s it. I’ll keep trying to improve. There is an answer; you will find yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.28.19 I am fulfilling my promises to all of you. I came out to him, and here is a post. I don’t know if I’m just going to tell the story or if I’m going to offer advice. I am fighting to stay positive at the moment, and I’m really mentally tired, but I’ll try to make this descriptive and decent. First, some stuff. I am female-to-male transgender. I have been absolutely certain for about two months, I have been researching gender for six months, and I have felt wrong in my body and presentation for so long I don’t even know when to say. My dad is a registered Republican who watches Fox news. He doesn’t talk about politics often, but he thinks the world is too liberal and that people need to stop whining and toughen up. He’s also my main obstacle in transitioning. I have planned to come out to my dad for the past week. I knew I wanted it to be today, I talked with my mom and my therapist about how and when I would do it. We went over techniques, things to say, thoughts to keep in mind, etc. I told him once he came home from work. He didn’t have questions initially, so I thought it would take ten minutes, but it actually ended up taking two hours. He said a lot, and the majority of it was either redundant or irrelevant. His initial points included (most of these are close enough to be quotations): - I have a vagina - I was born a female, so I am a female - I am not going to grow a dick - He will not pay for sex changes - I am a freak for being asexual and not wanting any romantic partners, and sex is a natural way of life - He will continue to love me, but he will not call me by my preferred name and pronouns - I can’t tell other people - God made me female and God is never wrong - He will never understand this - I have too many hormones in my head to know for sure or think clearly - I am a beautiful girl - I don’t have the physical appearance of a boy - I’m not masculine - My identity is somehow related to my sexuality - I have a bad choice in romantic partners - He has eavesdropped on me at least once and wants me to stay away from the media to prevent LGBTQ+ stuff from entering my mind - He’s going to get a heart attack from me My sister, who knew I was a boy before I did, also came down halfway through, and he yelled at her for having anxiety (she knew that I was going to tell him today and thought of the worst possible scenarios) and for defending me. He specifically told us not to go off and tell the internet that he’s a bad father. I’m not saying he is one. But I’m upset that he has so much faith in God and so little faith in other people. My mom, who has been trying to support me, has been trying with him. She wants them to go to therapy together so they can get a better idea of how to support me and be on the same page. She wants me to transition, and she wants to take me shopping for boys’ clothes and get me a binder (both of which I am excited about). She knows that making me be a girl will only make life harder for me. It is going to be hard, and it is going to take a really long time before he even starts to be okay with it. During our talk, he laughed at me a lot. He is never going to understand. I’m willing to be patient. I want to start next year differently, but this year isn’t even close to ending. We have time. I have patience. It will be okay. Until it is, I have friends and my sister and my therapist. I’m not going to change who I am to fit his idea of a perfect family. He will only have a say in my life for a few more years, and then I can fund my medical transition without disapproval from him affecting me. He is the only person I have told who doesn’t support me. Everyone else has. In a way, he is preparing me for the rest of the world. While many people are accepting or don’t care about transgenderism so long as the people are happy, there are people out there who hate the LGBTQ+ community. The politician from West Virginia who implied that he would drown his children, both of which are currently younger than five, if they told him they were gay proves that. The pastor in Arizona who believes all gay people should be executed so their “disease” doesn’t spread proves that. It’s just going to take a lot of time. It could’ve been worse. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.27.19 This post is going to be shorter, I think, and I also don’t think I’ll be on much for the next week. I’m coming out to my dad tomorrow, and then I have finals from Monday through Wednesday, so I have studying and family drama already happening and don’t need internet drama as well. Anyway, I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff lately about whether or not asexuality and romanticism should be included in the LGBTQ+ community. I am an asexual. I don’t want to have sex ever in my life. I would do it for a partner if they really wanted to, and it is possible that the only reason I’m ace is that I don’t have the body I’d want for sex (I’m female-to-male transgender). I am not sex-repulsed, but sex, to me, isn’t hot or cool or intimate, it’s just . . . weird. I get really uncomfortable during sex scenes in books, shows, movies, plays, etc. since I don’t want to know about sex. I understand that other people enjoy it, but I don’t want to be involved in knowing details about it. I’m also panromantic. I have the capability to be attracted to anyone, regardless of gender. I don’t think gender matters much in love. If I love a person, I love them. That’s that. It’s obviously different for people in the ace/aro community. Some people would have sex regularly but not get tied in with sexual feelings or thoughts. Others are completely repulsed by sex and are disgusted by any mention or implication of it. But the argument on whether asexuals and aromantics belong in the LGBTQ+ community is something I actually can’t pick a side on. Hear me out, please. For people who don’t think ace/aro people belong, I understand that. You think it would be like allowing special straight people in a community that is built on being not straight. Allowing males attracted to females but not sexually might seem like permitting people that go against what the LGBTQ+ community is. For people who do think ace/aro people belong, thanks. It means a lot to me. I appreciated being viewed as part of a community. I like being accepted, as many people do, and you’re highlighting the part of the LGBTQ+ community that welcomes anyone, including allies, for being who they are. As of right now, I am actually neutral on this issue. I don’t know if I agree that maybe the ace/aro community is separate from the LGBTQ+ community or a part of it. I understand that a lot of people in the community feel invalidated by people who use neo pronouns or defend things like asexuality, and I don’t want to make people feel like their experience isn’t real or isn’t acceptable. I guess I’m asking for other people’s opinions here. Maybe I’ll never pick a side, maybe I’ll figure out that I’m okay being in the middle after all. I just want to see if I can be persuaded on this. This has been: a confused asexual trying to discover his belonging in the LGBTQ+ community. Stay tuned for said asexual continuing to be confused by more stuff, like copiers and friendship. Oh, also, stay tuned for a post either coming tomorrow or Saturday about me coming out to my dad. That is probably going to be very important for anyone with less-accepting parents. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.25.19 Heelo there. I’ve noticed that a lot of the things I’ve been posting have been serious, sometimes political. I was considering making a post on whether raising young kids as trans is okay, but I don’t want to be known as “that trans guy who talks about politics”. Yes, politics are important in my life, but I don’t want to be seen purely under a political spotlight. I don’t want to appeal to a group of people who have similar beliefs for affirmation, I just want to speak out to anyone willing to listen. But my life revolves around so much more than being trans or being atheist-agnostic or being asexual. I just don’t like talking about my personal life in detail online. For example, I am also a cat lover. I have a ten-year-old black shorthair named Pepper who also goes by Peppy, Pepita, The Cat (trademark symbol), Dr. Pepper, fuzzeasel, fur weasel, Pepita Fuzzita, and furry old lady. I don’t call her by all/most of these names, and most people know her as “the scary cat”. She hisses and attacks people sometimes. I have multiple scratches from times I have protected individuals from her and gotten in her way myself. She hates it when people get in her face, and she has a history of attacking little girls (friends of my sister and daughters of family friends). But she only does that rarely. I love my cat. She’s not always happy, but neither am I. She sleeps with me the majority of nights, and she likes to sit on my lap while I pet her. Some nights, we sit by the window together and watch the stars. She has a really loud purr that is instantly calming, and she likes kneading soft blankets. Along with soft blankets, she also likes toy mice, YouTube videos of birds, a pouch of catnip that is nicknamed “her baby”, window watching, cat beds, Greenies cat treats, an assortment of boxes, and anything with corners to rub her face against. Also me. The two of us have a lot of pictures where she’s curled around my head or we’re sleeping next to each other on the floor. Her purr is really nice, but she has a tendency of screaming instead of meowing. She’ll run into my room at full speed, stop by my bed, scream, then run out, and this will be before the sun rises. I really like cats in general, but I’ve known Pepper since she was a kitten, and sometimes I think she might see me as her giant human kitten. She matters a lot. She does have some minor health issues, and she has had two near-death experiences in which she had to stay at the vet for a while. She somehow survived both, but we don’t know how strong her immune system is now. Cats have an average life expectancy of around 14/15 years. I am getting worried that she might not live, but I think she knows that I love her. I’ve got to take a shower soon, and after I’m ready for bed, I’ll go find her and bring her to my room, and she’ll probably curl up in a ball at my feet (I kick in my sleep, so she sleeps as close as possible while being far away from me). Nothing against dogs. Dogs are fantastic and lovely and amazing. I just really really love my cat! I recommend offering a minute of your time appreciating each of your pets. Fish are optional (I have a thing against fish). Have a good day/night. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.19.19 Hey, humans. There’s something you should probably know about me. It has to do with something that happens in movies like “Click” or “It’s A Wonderful Life.” The plots of both movies have to do with a character controlling time and seeing how life would be if a single factor was added or removed. In “Click”, the protagonist is given a remote control that can mute, pause, fast forward, etc. his real life. In “It’s A Wonderful Life”, an angel shows the protagonist how life in his town would be if he was never born. In both movies, once the protagonists go back to the way things are, there are a lot of hugs and a lot of appreciation, and they seem like entirely different, happier people. But to their family and friends, they seem to be losing their minds. I act like that every month or every other month. Maybe I just have a lot of alone time or I see a video or something, and I am instantly motivated and filled with confidence. It’s like shedding a skin. It just happened due to this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0qD2K2RWkc (Watch it. Enjoy it. This man has a wonderful voice.) The video is a Prince Ea upload called “I Am NOT Black, You are NOT White”. I found it since I love Prince Ea’s videos. He’s a genius when it comes to rhythm, and the messages he sends through his videos are simple but impactful. This one focuses on race, but it focuses on humanity as a whole. I was enjoying it as I always do with his videos until he said, and I quote, “Therefore, every war has started over labels.” What. But it makes sense. The conflict going on over Jerusalem between Jews, Muslims, and Christians? Every one of those religions believes in the same god. They have different perspectives, but they have a common goal. Somehow, all three groups are fighting over a piece of land that could be just as holy shared as it is being fought over. The American Civil War? The Confederacy and the Union. What did either side stand for? Not slavery or equality. General Robert E. Lee wasn’t fighting to keep his slaves. When the Union army accepted black soldiers, they didn’t receive as much pay as white soldiers. Maybe it had started as a battle for racial rights, but it didn’t end that way. In the end, it was nothing but political freedom. The Confederate soldiers, for the most part, couldn’t afford slaves. All they wanted was to fight for their families and protect the rights they had had throughout their lives. The Union? There was still plenty of racism in the North, all the people wanted up there was order and for the poorer South to cater to the North. It could’ve ended peacefully, without the blood of roughly 620,000 soldiers on its hands. It’s all in the labels. There’s a reason I don’t like to fight. I don’t want to make a big deal over something small. I think there are plenty of conflicts that can be solved in peace. But someday, when there is something big, I want to scare people. I want them to see that although I try not to fight, I am to be feared and respected just as much if not more than the hotheaded people who put up their dukes in a second’s notice. I am yOUr woRsT nIGhtMArE. It doesn’t have to be us versus them all the time. It can be as simple as saying that we’re all people. Simplify stuff. Just think of other people as people and then add on from there. Take away their labels and see them as they see themselves. Here’s the thing. Fighting fire with fire makes you feel better for thirty seconds to a week on average. Then they strike back, and then you feel awful. You’re never going to beat someone by fighting them as aggressively as possible unless you have superior fighting abilities, and even then, you’re creating more and more future problems for yourself. But when you try to see others as people and try to see their point of view, whoa, the whole world changes. And for those of you who are going to shrug this off or call it dumb, that is your right as a human being. I’m not going to scream at you through the safety of my screen. But man, all we ever do today is fight. Fighting is all we’ve ever done, it’s all we know, but today we have weapons that can destroy entire countries. I’m not saying that we don’t need nukes, and I’m not saying that we should entirely let our guards down and start hugging our enemies. But I am asking you to consider humanizing other people before fighting them. Maybe it’s something, maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. But I think it’ll help. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

BUT I do want to keep studying religion because I find it fascinating. How is it that so many people believe in spiritual power? Who came up with an idea that there are greater beings? Just because I don’t believe in it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist - it clearly does in the minds of people. I want to know how faith is formed, and I want to know how to respect people of religions that I don’t entirely understand now, like Hinduism and Buddhism. I don’t think religion is evil. I don’t agree with it, but I want to know more. That way I can be respectful to people I disagree with. Religion or lack thereof doesn’t have to divide us. Anyway. So that’s that. Thanks for listening, if you’re still here. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

I know this is a short post, there wasn’t really a point to it. I hope you’re having a good week, and if you aren’t, I hope it gets better. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.9.19 Hiya! Just providing some ideas as to how to come out to certain teachers. There was going to be a cool intro for this, but I forgot it, so I’m just going to get into it. OH WAIT I just remembered. For trans and nonbinary people around my age (or really just people in school), calling attendance, writing a fake name on papers, and being called out in class can be stressful. The only way, from my experience, to feel better as yourself is to come out to teachers. Also make sure that it is safe to come out and that you are comfortable and ready to come out. Therefore, behold this post that will help you come out to teachers! FOR TEACHERS YOU KNOW WILL ACCEPT YOU: These are the kinds of teachers that have some sort of item showing they support LGBTQ+ students or maybe they’re a neighbor or a family friend or even a family member. I find it best to meet with these teachers in private and ask them to call you by your name. Sidenote: I also find it best to say “my name is actually Sam, not Sheila” instead of “I’m trans.” The first one is subtler, and if these teachers are sure to accept you, they’ll immediately get it. Sidenote to my sidenote: My name is not Sam and my legal name is not Sheila. You can also ask them to avoid your first name when they call on you. They can point at you and make eye contact, or call you by your last name or a nickname. This can also cause the teacher to not separate the class by boys and girls - however accepting the teacher is, it doesn’t guarantee the class will also be. Remember to keep these teachers updated on what’s happening in your transition. It’s also important to tell them whether or not you’re out to your parents (parent-teacher conferences and legal stuff and all). FOR TEACHERS THAT SEEM NEUTRAL: It’s easier to write a note to them to turn in with an assignment or before/after class. They might call you aside a couple days later to ask some questions. There isn’t really a lot to be said here. If it goes well, refer to the part above. If not, the one below. I’m really trying to come up with an idea of what to say here, I just don’t know what to say, I’m sorry . . . Really just be prepared for questions and explanations. FOR TEACHERS THAT SEEM LIKE THEY’RE FAKING ACCEPTANCE OR ENTIRELY UNSUPPORTIVE: This is a teacher who might have a sign in their room that says everyone is welcome but has been known to say rude things that might categorize people or assume things about a person’s lifestyle. Basically, schools are expected to be liberal and accepting and this person doesn’t (entirely) agree but wants to keep their job. Please don’t come out to this kind of person until after a principal, guidance counselor, parent, superintendant, etc. knows about you. These individuals have the power or access to power to make teachers refer to you by your preferred name and pronouns. If you aren’t comfortable with a question or questions that they ask - as in a really personal question that they wouldn’t ask anyone else - tell someone. Namely a guidance counselor, police officer, parent, principal, etc. If a teacher is asking inappropriate questions, they aren’t fit to be a teacher. You know that one thing where it asks couples who think they’re ready for children if they’re prepared for having kids with autism, kids with physical and/or mental disabilities, kids who are LGBTQ+, kids with depression, etc.? That applies just as much to teachers. Kids who experience low self-confidence and identity struggles need to be able to be honest to the people they see every day. If these people don’t accept a kid or treat them with respect, that will make life even harder for said kid. Wow, that was a small rant. Anyway, the best way to come out to this kind of teacher would be in private with a friend or accepting teacher or principal or parent who knows. And if everyone in your class knows you by your actual name and pronouns and your teacher simply refuses to acknowledge this, taking a stand with someone of power, including your class, is your only option if you want to be regarded as who you are. BONUS: SUBSTITUTES Just pull them aside before class and ask if they can do attendance silently or call you by your actual name or skip you in the name-calling. That is not a lot of information, but substitutes don’t follow the same rules as other teachers. I hope that this helps, I believe in you, good luck! There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

I had a friend last year who consistently referred to everyone as they and them, believing that it was rude to assume someone’s gender. And, of course, it is rude, but my friend didn’t have the best approach. While they and them are neutral pronouns, not everyone wants to be seen as a gender-neutral being. Some people have very strong senses of gender and prefer other pronouns. Coughtranspeoplecoughcough And some cis people as well, but I know many trans people who feel like they aren’t passing well enough when referred to by they and them pronouns. Plenty of substitute teachers and classmates of mine assume I’m female and use she/her pronouns because I’ve never corrected them and was okay with those pronouns before and because of my feminine legal name. That is a PERFECTLY FINE thing to do. Assuming gender and pronouns is never a good idea, but people have the unfortunate tendancy to try to figure it out anyway - it’s like how we categorize people in boxes. It’s a natural mental thing, we can’t fix it in every individual, and at best, maybe a few. The best thing to do for learning people’s pronouns is asking them - not anyone else unless they’re very close. Using the wrong pronouns can have really negative consequences for a person, and harm can be done without even being known or realized. It’s okay that they’ve been using the wrong pronouns for you for a long time, as long as they respect your new ones. And, while we’re at it, a round of applause, please, for indviduals using they/them pronouns. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

2.5.19 Good morning (it’s 6:35 PM). I wanted to go over something that might not be a good blog post idea, but I haven’t been on in a while, and I didn’t want it to seem like I ditched you. Some . . . stuff . . . has been happening in my life lately. It is a little chaotic, and I’m still trying to recover from it. Someone close to me hurt me, and I have been going through a massive amount of anger and frustration. I’ve been spending a lot of my alone time silently screaming everything I want to shout at this person, how much his actions hurt me, how his mind managed to think it could do something like what happened without hurting someone, how much anger I have inside me. And doing so knocked the fight out of me. Then I had one of those life-changing epiphanies. Screaming about feelings and intentionally hurting people is what makes the world’s relationships fragile. Plenty of people are afraid of getting screamed at, some respond violently, sometimes screaming can cause irreversible damage. I had some time alone to get the anger out, and now I’m trying to find a way to figure out the best thing to do without breaking either of us. Life doesn’t have to be centered around your emotions and the things people do to change them. It’s more important to have control. I’ve been looking at a lot of trans movies, short films, books, etc. The majority of them feature female-to-male individuals. Many of these protagonists have so little self-control and so much anger that they just come off as edgy, it’s-not-just-a-phase teens, and that makes them a lot less credible. It doesn’t seem like, “Mom, Dad, I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy, and I have never been comfortable being a girl. I know it’s hard, and it’ll be a lot of change, but I’ll be patient.” It seems like, “You don’t understand!! You’ll never understand me! I’m not your daughter, I’m your son, and until you accept that, I’M GOING TO BE THE EDGIEST - “ You get the point. It loses a lot of respect. And while some people may be frightened by the screaming, I, for one, am seeing an emotionally unstable person without the control required for me to respect them. There was a show I used to watch called “Major Crimes.” My favorite character was Sharon Raydor, who had this very impactful tactic when interrogating people. She would talk to them in a normal voice, then raise it a little until she was about to get the confession out of them, and she would become so quiet she was whispering. That whispering caused more fear in me than screaming ever could. Now, if I do talk with the person who hurt me, I’ll be thinking of his feelings instead of mine. There doesn’t have to be screaming or heartlessness. I owe it to both of us to not lose my temper. You can try to do the same, it doesn’t really matter. I’m too tired to finish this post in a nice way. - Thinking_Upside_Down

1.31.19 When I was about eleven or so, I was known by other kids as the one rude kid who always had a comeback. My mind was equipped with sarcasm and rude comments - I never went out of my way to insult people, but if they assumed something about me or someone else, I’d lose my temper in an instant. Now, I’m known as the quiet kid who always has a book. Note: I say kid for a reason. Today I was referred to as an “it” by some peoples who didn’t know me. Person A: “Hey, how you doin’, bro?” Person B: “How do you know it’s a bro?” Person A: “I dunno, I - ” Person B: “It’s a she, er, I don’t know, let’s just go.” Yeaaaah . . . Weird. Anyway. I don’t yell at people anymore. I don’t see a point. I find it more powerful to quietly demand someone stop rather than scream at them. I do still have a temper, but I have much more control of it now. When I went into seventh grade the next year, I met someone, and it was like meeting myself. We were friends for a while, but when she got upset, it was hard to be around her. I saw it as immature when she was angry or frustrated, and I didn’t figure out that I was the same way for another five months. I had a really rough year in 2017, and I won’t go into details, but I started seeing so much more than I ever did before. I paid attention to people. I figured out the little physical details that revealed their emotions. I figured out why it was that I did certain things and decided whether or not doing them was necessary. For example, when I was younger, it would be just like me to hold a book in front of me to get someone’s attention so they’d ask me how I was doing if I was having a bad day. What’s the point of that? (a) Other people wouldn’t notice, and (b) it only made my actions look dramatic and unnecessary. I didn’t want to be dramatic and do unnecessary things. I didn’t want to hurt people. I didn’t want to seem like an all-knowing bully with pure confidence who acted as though I was better than others. Maybe other people didn’t see me like that, but I did, and I do now. I’ve been creating the person I want to be since then. I offer random people snacks when there’s an early dismissal. I hide pennies in the school face-up so people get some luck (if they believe in that). Also with pennies, I am willing to give pennies to friendly-looking individuals and ask them if they want a penny for their thought. I want to be the person who is a step ahead and knows how to make others feel better. The world is a mean and violent place to some, and many sources of media make it seem as though everyone is divided and out to get those who oppose them. I just want to be the one to show them that there is good in the world. I didn’t know I wanted to be like that when I was four. I didn’t wake up in the mornings and say, “you know, I want to hide pennies all over my school when I’m older.” But I feel so much happier now that I’m doing it. Now that I’m making tiny impacts on people’s lives. It makes me feel better about myself, and I have more confidence. I treat others how I want to be treated, and it makes my life better than how it would be otherwise. The best compliment I can receive is “you’re a good person.” I didn’t know I wanted it when I was little. I didn’t know how much happier it would make me. You know what else that sounds like? Being trans. Maybe this was a bad/really long example of getting to this point. Or, well, a lot of other things too (being nonbinary, being gay, being a professional golfer, etc.), but in my situation, it’s being trans. I didn’t always know. I knew something was wrong, but I met two trans people without ever asking myself if that was me. When I began my Exploration To Discover My Gender (Trademark symbol), I thought I was gender neutral or agender for a while because I didn’t feel like a manly man of fitness and masculinity. But it didn’t fit me very well. I asked my super duper accepting sister to refer to me by he/him pronouns for a little while in private, and I experienced gender euphoria. And that’s how I knew. And now I am the happiest of dudes. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

Me: Why am I not a fucking boy. Why wasn't I born a fucking boy. Why am I like this? I'm trapped in this body. Someone help me please. I don't know what to do. I can't do this anymore. I'm trapped in a body I didn't ask for.