Thinking Faster Than I Can Write

I’m sorry that I cannot do this for you

I’m sorry that I cannot do this for myself

But mostly I’m tired of saying sorry

And I’m tired of hearing it

So I’ll just say that

One day

We will both lie down for the last time

We will bloat and rot away

Hopefully in the embrace of soil

And then non of this will matter

But right now,

Right now has a feeling still

However much I wish I could keep you from it

I can’t, but

One day

Someone will come along

That can and will

And I’ll be so happy because of it.

I lost myself last year

and I promise the universe,

most importantly myself,

that it will not happen again.

I am now fire and rage 

and sunshine and flower fields

and that is something that

you will not take away again.

I rather watch you rot

than let you drown me

and I promise you that I'll do it

before you ever flood my fields

and extinguish my fire.

I had a dream about you.

We were in your car,

Drinking soda,

And making plans for the weekend.

It was the most normal thing in the world,

And I cried when I woke up.

I miss when it was simple.

I miss two years ago

Because then,

Even if it wasn't simple,

It still was.

I just miss,

And want my old life back,

Before the mistakes

Before the tears

Before I fucked everything up

and killed your heart.

I hope you forget about me

And everything I meant to you.

A ray of light

Stilled on my palm

I felt it's warmth

Even though I was freezing

It began to boil

On my skin

And flash out of my pores

Frantically pulsing out an S.O.S.

Until I pulled the curtains closed 

Then went back to bed

Love is in the heart

Grief is in the throat

And

Pain is in the head

But all three of them at the same time

Are in the stomach

And they roil

Like a storm

Making it impossible

For the heart to beat

Without stuttering,

The throat to let in air

Without slamming shut,

And the head to think at all

Much less properly.

You

Do

Stupid

Shit

When

You

Feel

Like

Nobody

Can

Love 

You

Forever

My ribs feel bruised

My head is spinning

I've stopped eating

My demons are winning

Guilt will eat my heart

And I hope it enjoys it.

I hope it licks it's fingers

Then digs up my veins

In a quest for the guilt

That had yet to reach my heart.

They all say

That my mind is a very dark place

But it's actually quite bright

Shining with a mourning sun

I rewrote our conversation with all of the things I wanted to say.

I made a song

out of my pain,

and I'm so glad

you can relate, 

but I'm also

sad and frustrated

because I can't help you

get through it

I can't tell you

not to be sad.

I can only tell you

that you are not alone

You are

Not

We walk all around

This fucked up town

And see these lonely faces

And we peek under the sleeves

To see all of the traces

Of a two A.M. battle.

Yes we get it in our heads,

The disease of insecurity,

And yes, at two A.M.

When we fight all of out worst wars,

At two A.M. on the battlefield,

We win!

But sometimes,

Just sometimes,

These brave soldiers lose

And they are never seen again.

I'm telling you to keep fighting.

I'm telling you to win.

I'm telling you to pick your head up

And let some hope in.

Don't let some asshat crush it,

Or try to take it away.

that hope is yours only,

I want to tell you

That everything will be okay,

But I can't

If I could write a letter to Death, I think I'd start with how do you do?

Because Death is the ugly truth, and everyone is scared of what it would say.

But Death is lonely. I can tell because misery loves company and that's why everyone dies alone

Though i have not yet experienced this in the flesh, it is what I have always heard.

If I could write a letter to Death, I'd say thank you from all the OCD's in the world

Who secretly admire Death for being the only constant thing in a life full of surprises.

I would ask Death if it thought it was funny when all of the kids thought they could live forever

As they fulfilled at dare by standing on the train tracks as the red and white stripped bars came down

And I would also ask Death if it ever felt sad when people misunderstood it as the worlds best serial killer

When really Death just wants a friend.