Things You Might Need

I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough honey. Literally. I cannot get enough. I could eat it for 72 hours straight with no complications and would still crave its amber gooeyness. My doctor thinks it’s a condition, but that’s beside the point. Put down the bear, it’s time for some real honey. Join the Honey of the Month Club!

So many choices! Vanilla Bean Infused Honey, Raw Wildflower Honey, Citrus Honey, Blackberry Blossom Honey, Chocolate Blended Honey - to name five. Anything you can infuse, they probably have a honey infused with it. Chipotle Honey? Maybe! Cilantro Honey?? Probably! Peruvian Midnight Coffee Bean Infused Honey??? Almost certainly! These honeys are the perfect combination of modern decadence and simplistic complexity.

Other honey of the month clubs might ask you to pay, $80 for a three-month subscription, but not us. That would be ridiculous. For the low, low price of $79.95, you too can have all the honey you want (one jar), once a month for three months! That’s a savings value of over 500% for three whole months of honey bliss!!

Each and every month, for three months, a new* honey will arrive on your doorstep, greeting you like a friend who just happens to be an inanimate nectar by-product. Your new honey friend will call to you with its mellifluous voice, “Hello! Let’s be BBFs! Eat me!” Hello, new* honey friend! You’ll be delighted in the vast** selection of honeys you will receive. Ideal for the bee enthusiast or special stuffed bear in your life.

Also available, the Ketchup of the Month Club with similar astounding variety!

* Like I said, there are at least five distinct honeys carried and with the standard three-month subscription, you are almost guaranteed to get a different honey every month.

** Vast is a relative term. Who knows how many different types of honey are available with this offer? I’m thinking a lot. 

P.S. Did you know bees make honey by regurgitating nectar into a honeycomb? Gross.

We all know that books belong on a bookshelf. But where do you store your more valued paper possessions? Your countless tomes? Your enlightened manuscripts? Your priceless compendiums? That thing you wrote back in Junior year that was going to change the world? Surely a bookshelf is no place for these treasures. No indeed. Only pulpy, mainstream publications belong on something so base as a bookshelf. The cream of your intellectual crop belongs in a cabinet that befits a king. King Tut, to be exact. Spice up your home décor with a Life Sized King Tut Cabinet. Protect your valuables with your very own secret Pharaoh’s tomb. Books and more can be kept for eternity in this spacious sarcophagus. Additional benefits of keeping your collection secret and safe from intruders. When closed, it looks just like an authentic sarcophagus!! Those cat burglars will walk right by your precious library without giving it a second glance. And on the off chance that the burglar is not fooled by the cabinet’s meticulously hand-painted gold and jewel toned exterior, make sure to booby trap the inside. Just like a real Egyptian! Imagine how confused those thieves will be when they open the decoy sarcophagus and get a quiver of poisonous spikes to the chest instead of your prized book collection. Those Egyptians knew how to party. Great for the holidays! And all the days! Goes well in any room, and particularly, a rumpus room! Efficient and easy on the eyes. A great way to tie together all your vaguely foreign décor and wall hangings. Fits up to four canopic jars.

Also available, the King Tut CD-Rom Cabinet to complete your Egyptain motif. Guarantee that your extensive collection of Wham!’s greatest hits makes the journey into the next life with you. Standing at 27 inches tall, this mini-mummy is at perfect knee-smacking level. Fits up to 56 CDs (Compact Discs) or floppy dics, if you prefer. Probably only fits like 25-30 8-track tapes, though. And forget about laser dics, you’ll need the life-sized cabinet for those.

Because nothing says classy so much as a replica of a dead guy’s coffin.

You know you’re a funny person. But why don’t your friends ever laugh at your jokes? I’ll tell you why. They all suck. They’re horrible judges of humor because they’re either too sensitive or they simply don’t understand when something is funny. You need something that will appreciate your particular brand of humor no matter the situation. A friend who will always be there for you. Let me introduce to you the Box of Laughter. This little guy is eager to hear your hilarious quips and anecdotes. No story is “too long” or “too boring”. Your friends say your humor makes them uncomfortable? Well not this guy. He thinks your in-depth and graphic bowel movement jokes are hilarious. No need to fear the social backlash of racial and/or sexual humor. The box of laughter knows it was just a joke and that you’re not really a racist and/or sexist. Great for practicing stand up routines! Find out which jokes work and get your timing down. Also good to see which jokes fall flat (hint: none of them). You are amazing and it’s time someone noticed. Also available, the box of applause, for the times you crave the recognition and praise you deserve.

What could be more meaningful than a Memorial Tea Light Holder in the wake of horrible tragedy? Tea lights are the universal sign of grief tinged with hope. A tea light says, “I may be in mourning right now, but by God, I swear to live the rest of my life to the fullest. I will not waste my remaining time with frivolous things. I mean to make something of this life, dammit.” There are those who would argue that tea lights are inherently frivolous, and to them I would say, “Not so.” After all, there’s a reason we hold candlelight vigils for those recently departed. Do you think we do that for laughs? Obviously not.

This particular tea light holder has been hand crafted to optimize condolences. The terra cotta outer shell is a pleasing brown color. Brown like the dirt your dearly departed now rests in. The holder comes complete with a beautiful copper cap to extinguish both the flame, and metaphorically, your loved one’s life. Inscribed on the terra cotta is a meaningful and unique quote to show how much thought was put into the purchase. “In Memory...of a Life so beautifully lived...a Heart so deeply Loved”. Truer words were never spoken.

Don’t know anyone recently passed? I’m sure you can think of someone. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend? And maybe they died a while ago. It may be too late for that acquaintance, but it’s never too late to give the Memorial Tea Light Holder. Now I know what you’re thinking. Won’t I be drudging up painful memories in the otherwise sunny lives of those I love? No. They’ll be touched that you still remember Great Aunt Belinda after 5 years. The memorial tea light holder is eternal, unlike our fleeting existence in this mortal coil. If you really can’t think of anyone who would benefit from this special gift right now, just hang on to it until needed. You never know when one of your friends or family will kick the bucket. And then won’t you look prepared.

Also, make sure to spring for a tea light to go inside the holder. Don’t be cheap, you insensitive bastard.

87% of men state that they don't have enough sex. Well, I don't really know, 83% of all statistics are made up. Okay, now I'm actively lying. The fact is, when it comes to sex, what is "enough"? Chaffing is probably bad, but as long as you stay on the comfortable side of inflammation, "too much" is the lie people tell in polite society so they don't appear to be degenerate libertines. But I digress. My point, as I meander slowly towards it, is this: think you aren't getting laid nearly enough? The answer to your problems lies within the goblets shown above (quite literally, as getting the other party liquored up never hurts your chances).

Why waste your time getting to know the other person when you can just bust out these babies? For the gents, these say you like to hold open doors, pull out chairs, pay for dinner, and have a nice drink to unwind after a hard day of LARPing in the woods behind your house. As for the ladies, with these gems, you tell that special lord there is a surprise hiding under the corset and chastity belt. Whether that surprise is a stuffed bra and the clap is just the luck of the draw (don't lie, we all know that lock to your belt has been picked by quite a few stable boys). Note the fool's-gold sheen and the intricate design. There is even a convenient spot for personalization. Engrave the crap out of it. Initials in a fancy illuminated manuscript font, the family crest, the coat of arms you drew up with your D&D buddies, sky's the limit! And who doesn't love the taste of Franzia with a nice metallic finish? Give it a shot, really rounds out the fruity notes of the wine doesn't it? Get these precious goblets before the next Renaissance Fair. You won't regret it. Or should I say, ye. *Leather bound books and really shiny grapes not included.

So, you’re hanging at the boardwalk with a couple friends - listening to music and doing drugs, or whatever the kids are into nowadays - when all of the sudden everyone’s iPods stop working. Not everyone in the whole world (that would be weird), just yours and your friends’ iPods. You all stare blankly at each other, partially from shock, partially from the large quantities of drugs coursing through your systems. Finally, Billy suggests, “I guess we can just listen to [insert your name here]’s back up boom box”. Ashamedly, you look at the ground and sadly tell your friends, “But I don’t own a boom box”. Disgusted with your lack of preparation for a fun day out, your friends just get up and walk away. Billy spits on you, then calls the cops, which lands you in jail because no one took their drugs with them when they left. Now you’re in jail and you still don’t have a boom box. That sucked, didn’t it? Alright, now let’s reimagine that situation. Your friends are hanging at the boardwalk (no drugs this time - they’re bad for you), when all of their iPods stop working. They look at each other stupidly (seriously, you should consider getting new friends). Suddenly, out of nowhere, a helicopter appears above the boardwalk. You do a flip from the helicopter landing rail and parachute down to your friends while wearing roller skates. They are stunned as you land in front of them carrying a Portable DVD Boom Box. “Out of tunes?” you smoothly ask. You all laugh at your hilarious quip and everyone congratulates you on thinking ahead. But Billy looks troubled. You say, “Why do you look so troubled, Billy?” “I’ve got this DVD of [insert popular 80s television show here] that I wanted to watch, but we’re nowhere near a home entertainment system!” “Oh, Billy”, you scold him, “Can’t you see that I’m holding the answer to your problems right here in my strong yet supple hands?” Slowly he realizes that your Boom Box is also a DVD player. “Hey, that’s a DVD player too! My problems are solved!” Once again, you’re a hero to all your friends. As everyone laughs in anticipation of the great day you will all have and at Billy’s simple mind, a great white shark jumps out of the water, headed straight for your group! You punch the shark right square in its face, and it falls to the ground dead. “Not today, shark”, you cleverly retort. Your one liners are especially spot on today. The mayor shows up and gives you a medal of honor for “sharkpunching and general awesomeness”. Alright, which situation was better? I think you know what you need to do.

Look, let me break it down for you, fella. The ladies love a sensitive guy. They want a man who can be there for them not only physically, but emotionally too. They want this guy. The tender caress statue embodies the perfect balance of physical and emotional support any lady requires of her man. The statue man cradles his lady, giving her a feeling of security she hasn’t felt since she was a newborn. His appearance also works to put his lady at ease. Note the elfish haircut and delicate facial features. The slight tilt of his head. All signs pointing to a man who knows his way around a relationship talk.

By purchasing this statue, you can show any potential lady friends that not only will you showcase your sexual prowess in the bedroom, but you’ll also cuddle afterwards. This statue says to a lady, “Hey, I will tenderly caress you in all the right ways, and possibly some of the wrong ones, but only if you’re ok with that because I want to respect your boundaries”. Upon seeing this paragon of sculpted sensuality, your lady will know that you’re willing to wear pink, give backrubs, cry - whatever it takes to appear sensitive. Remember: instead of presenting your lady with a raging boner, try to show her your raging sense of empathy with this statue.

First time leaving the nest? Just got brutally dumped? Lying awake at night wallowing in a crippling sense of loneliness and failure? The answer to all your suffering is here!

Lose yourself in the soft texture of the one heart that will remain forever yours and never stray. Let the rhythmic pulse wipe away your tears and soothe away painful memories. Take comfort in the softly blinking LED light that lets you know: no matter how rough the outside world gets, there is a safe haven waiting for you in your bed. Now don't you want to take a handful of Xanax and live the rest of your life in the cockles of your beating heart pillow? Especially when it comes in two different sizes and colors to fit any decor?

Why seek love when you can buy yourself an electronic, unconditionally-yours, beating heart? Don't forget to stock up on batteries!

So you finally got that girl you like back to your place. If all goes well, you'll even get her into the bedroom. At the very least, prolonged stay plus liquid refreshments means that at some point in time, she's going to use your bathroom. Forget the sophisticated throw pillows you got from your mom for Christmas, the hip stemless wine glasses you got for two bucks a pop from Crate & Barrel. The bathroom is where you are going wow her pants off with this absolute gem (literally, unless she pees like a dude, in which case, you are gonna be the one blown away). Nothing says get down with your bad self like red, white and blue machine-washable shower curtains! Stars? Oh yes! Stripes? More, more!! Stars-and-stripes-patterned top hat motif? Don't stop you patriotic stud muffin!!! She'll be so impressed with your hardcore jingoism that you won't even need to subtly direct her attention to the Trojan Magnums you "accidentally" left out on the sink as she leaves the bathroom in awe. Bonus points if you've got the matching bath rug!

If you ever go back in time, it's imperative that you don't let on to the fact that you're from The Future, or you could destroy the whole universe as we know it. Unfortunately, this is harder than it sounds. People will catch on to the fact that you're from The Future as soon as you step in a store and start exclaiming how cheap everything is. This DVD box set therefore ought to be in everyone's collection. You just never know when you'll need to know how much a box of macaroni cost in 1979.

With the swine flu affecting over a million people in the U.S. alone, it is only a matter of time before it sticks its snout in your neighborhood. This handy device will ensure you stay healthy while you drink your daily 6-pack. It blasts your can top with UV rays, ensuring that any germ that dares threaten your immune system will be annihilated before it even gets the chance to fight. And if some infected person coughs on you, it doubles as an emergency body-cleansing station. Just stick your hands, feet, or face under it for a few minutes, and you're swine-free.

Can't afford real leather interior in your new sedan? No problem. Throw this baby on the dashboard and light 'er up, and within minutes no one will be able to tell they aren't sitting on real cowhide.

Thinking of joining PETA to please a significant other, but not sure how you'll give up all your favorite former-animals-cum-furniture? This thing works just like a nicotine patch, which, by the way, is something else you'll probably need if you really want your relationship to progress. Start off burning it for a few hours, and slowly decrease the duration each day. You'll be throwing red paint all over old ladies on their way to the theater in no time.