BITE BACK

all i did was love u

I’m sorry that maintaining the bare minimum of parental concern is so hard for you. I’m sorry you were abused and it made you do these things to me, but the fact of the matter is that you did perform those actions and those actions have consequences. You will no longer get to hold things over my head. You will no longer silence me. You should have been less worried about looking like a bad mom in front of your peers and more worried about being a good mom to your kid.

I describe your friendship as a state of duress, and when you left I lost my mind because I didn't even know I was being tortured

I know you love me. I know you went through stuff.

maybe I'm coughing because I'm sick or I over ate but I've been having these symptoms for years and you need a better go to then simply demand I stop, like distract me, that works, threaten me with therapy, that too

it still hurts. everything you did to me i still do to myself. i hate that i've let you win.

You negativity bias isn't even true, you wonder why I'm mentally unwell and then only tell me negative things about myself and when I brought up things I wanted to do, you knocked me back for years and wonder why I was unstable, and then wonder why I got worst and it only got better once I was allowed, like, one thing for myself and could live with myself having one thing I loved in my week to week life

how funny is it that i don't remember your face, but i remember the exact way it felt when you touched me?

I'm not saying even give me my way all the time, I'm say your negativity bias was bad for my mental health and my normal growth as a teenager, I didn't need to become everything I imagined, but I imagine I would have felt less mentally unwell and toxic friendships galore, if I had both a almost normal social life and some validity to back up my claims of writing and music, just enough to not hate myself, just enough to be able to live with myself

you always told me that i could tell you whatever i wanted, the good things and the bad. i only wish that were true, because whenever i told you something you didn't like or didn't agree with you'd blow up and antagonize me for it when you literally told me to put my trust in you. you are a volatile person masquerading as a safe space. i was forces to bottle up my emotions for my own safety. i was endangered so many times because i was more afraid of your judgement than i was of actual life-threatening consequences. at the same time, i was forced to be your personal therapist, your spouse, your parent and your friend. i had to listen to whatever you felt like telling me, often times things that should never have been put on a child's shoulders. but if i protested, i was selfish. and you'll never understand how unfair that is. you say that i had a childhood, but you're wrong. i had to grow up so quickly i never had the chance to be a kid.