A Breath of Fresh Air

Sometimes it feels like a self inflicted punishment, the way I constantly see you in my dreams.

Some nights we laugh like nothing has changed and others you find it hard to remember my name.

A waxing and waning of the tides that have been flooding the shores of my being ever since.

Like a broken record, but it's skipping back to my favorite part of the song, until I eventually grow tired of its melody.

My mind begs me to change it, alter its meaning, make sense of it all. "If it's not broken, then don't fix it". But truly, deeply, I feel it is.

A bleeding heart, wide open on the darkened sheets of my stretched and molded persona.

A sentence I haven't heard in what seems like a lifetime. You uttered it, so personally, into my eyes and through to my soul.

Felt it so deeply, my body woke me up. My tongue was still touching the roof of my mouth. I would have been able to say it. I just needed five more seconds.

Five... Disbelief. How am I still so lost and hurt by these occasions.

Four... Maybe it's a sign.

Three... Don't do this to yourself, you have everything and more ahead.

Two... I'm not sure I do.

One...

Then find it. Make this worth it. Better yourself. It was just a dream.

"Then why does it always feel so real?"...

Zero...

Count the cracks in the paint on the ceiling. A fitting distraction for this fleeting stability. Though, there aren't any.

i came down

with the dawn in low

set all my holding

to the morning glow 

(  -  it’s alright     ) 

        …—…

burn it down slower now

it’s a new life creeping out

oh and i feel it all in my hands

in a rising sun

        …—…

             it’s alright 

don’t sweat my friend

we all feel it alone

now and then   

           that crawling

only steals on you

don’t let a heavy one

hold back 

the dawn in you 

burn it down slower now 

it’s a new light creeping out

oh and i feel it all in our hands

in a rising sun 

Further…"

So I'll leave this here for you to send yourself.

I miss you.. So much. Your daily ray of warming light, and the butterflies your smile brought me. Gone. Waking up next to the spot you used to lay, and holding back the tears, knowing it's most likely going to stay that way. Are you better off without me? Am I better off alone too? I'm not sure I care anymore because I knew for so long that your arms were my home, and your hand was always there to guide me. Now, without that, I stay caught in this spiral of regret and trying to work out what I should've done differently, and how I should have treated you better. How we lost ourselves and that was to the detriment of "us". I feel we forced it by fighting it, and to me that hurts the most. How did we want to save something so much that it made us push it away? How can the love that I felt so strongly and purely for you feel wrong now, and how can I be expected to not be able to tell you every day? How to I get better when you're not here to make this life feel more simple, as you always have. Your outlook on me had skewed and I let it fester and mold me into someone you weren't sure of... And now it's like this never ending battle in my mind. Time has slowed down so drastically.. The days have felt like weeks. Every time I pull my phone out, I hover over your number and try to talk myself into saying this all in person, but I know that isnt what you need. Maybe it's not even what you want anymore...

I just wish we could run it all back. Land on our feet a year ago and go forward from there knowing where not to end up, and what not to let slip away. I'm addicted to you, you flow in my veins still every day, and I cant even begin to find a reason why I would want that to change. I just want to hold you forever.

I hope this isnt all for nothing. I hope we heal and grow and live happier lives, and flourish in the things we love and strive for. I just always wanted to share it with you too, and I might have let that walk out my bedroom door that night... I'm always here. I guess I just needed you to know how I felt.

I love you. Forever.

some,

and then none of you.

The writers block is nothing compared to this. I could write for hours and hours and hours, and never achieve the words that are right. Right enough to portray, or right enough to instill a motive of desire. False smiles and weak resolve have been the demons of this Heaven.

The puzzle pieces are all there, building, beware the completion, but forever dreamt about the solve. Found the picture cant be completed by those who are not individuals at all.

Time is as naked and real as that last sip of tequila, steadily lifted, numbing my restless mind. Though, in the nights, the stepping stones that led me to you, steadily shifted, the distance heightened with every question I have for your motif, your belief. What I always thought I could be, poisoned by codependency.

Days have gone by, weeks blurred together, faltering but leaving part unwavering. The fear of my overwhelming love being a monster in our nightmares. The fear of my shoulder never again supporting the weight of your world, resting your head to recharge. The fear of moving forward, and being told to never look back. I'm in fear of my own creation.

I love every detail, every path, every breath, and every minute that has brought this amazement and wonder to my life. To let it fade and come back more brilliant and bright, trusted in you, for I couldn't have been more blind. I will fight for every thought in my mind. My favorite, my love, my happy place, my next step, the truth.

The truth.