The White Walls

All around I find glimmers of hope

In a starving field they dwindle with time

I’m desperate to catch any noise 

But the echo of silence crawls into my ears

Then feasts on my perceptions

I look for anything familiar

Patterns to match my color

It all seems to clash and turn to rubbish

I’m recycled with it and sink into the earth

Why does the stillness feel so intense?

I’m just sitting in this closed-off tomb 

Gasping for confirmation of this hollow body

From here…to where?

I can freely venture

Could I meet the threshold of this place?

Doesn’t seem I want an exit to reveal itself

Give me just one chance?

You're so out of touch, out of reach

I can hardly feel anything

In the moment, when it comes

Spoiled by your presence, what a menace

I can't complain

Oh, let me replay

I could've said it better in more ways than one

Now, I'm optimistically sure I'm never gonna be on your radar

Out of touch, out of reach

Floating high, beautiful butterfly

Hormonal tears sweep my cheek

Glistens and highlights as I gently weep

For I wish to be seen and known

Special forces of who? That is unknown

Of all the pages I've turned thus far

How quickly I've grown, which you can tell from these faint scars

Prime years with mild tears

Love unknown equals love shown

I simply can state I am happy sad

Nothing to alter, but nothing to brag

Channeling and envisioning fabrications

Reminiscing stories I've conjured

Twist the pen

Place the ink

Let it run into my veins

Taste the blood

50% destruction that’s all I need.

Let it flow

Like we cracked

Eggs on my fucking back

Let the yolk run down

Oh, they’re dying!

But, the calls are silent 

And it feels like peace

But, its fortified no-end corruption

That’s all we need

I’ve been counting and browsing tags

Stuck with the clearance

I don’t why I have to seek out useless scraps

I’ve been hunting trenches

I’ve been searching for it

I’ve been climbing up the tree

I’ve been trying to forage

It just doesn’t seem to work for me

But, I’m tearfully wishing someone is looking to pick me too...

I see I need to walk forward

But I keep tripping on stones rooted in the earth

Stepping stones? I think not...

It seems the obstacles continue on

I’m struggling with this challenge

The speaker tells people to get in groups of two

I’m the outlier with no partner

I feel like an unearthly being

Do I need a new environment?

Do I need to plant seeds?

I can’t be a plant mom

I’d end up killing them

Setting fire to all

I’ll burn right matches

I’ll burn like matches

When will it be me?

When will it be me?

When will it be me?

She’s returned to the scene

She‘s walking confidently

Parading around the shadow that engulfed her

She begins to beam and reflect the sunlight

Fractals attacking the beast

Slowly eliminating

I’ve always had my dreams set high

And I always try to aim for them

But I always ask myself

Am I good enough?

I’ve always been jealous of people better than me

And I always try to be better and succeed

But I always see

I’m not good enough

———————-———————————

I’m sorry mom if this isn’t what you wanted me to do

I’m sorry dad if I’m disappointing you too

Just be proud of me for once

Don’t know if this will end well

What will happen to me?

Please I’m gettin’ out of my shell

I’m trying best to succeed

I know

I know

That this is new for my mind

Gimme time

Gimme time

Felt the coldness in my skin

Feels like I’m reborn again

But I’m dazed and confused in my mind

I don’t know what to do

But I’m carried inside

With blankets covering my back

I’m losing perception

She sails by the ocean rain.

I see her in through milky skies.

I call out for her name

And she looks at me with visions

That echoes in my mind.

- - -

I fall and I have my wrath for you

With my emotions entangled.

Memories that I can’t bring myself to lose

So I’ll keep them in my heart.

I have to...

I have to...

I have to...

I have my wrath to bring

With this crush,

my body is strong

but my heart is weak.

I would say hello, but I am too shy to speak

She runs up to hug you,

I step back.

I would fuck it up.

I half-smile and wave.

Each day, I retract my emotion with control-alt-delete.

In each environment,

your presence commands the room.

I can’t help but stare.

My mind wanders to you.

Think of something new?

I can’t.

I don’t know why I keep doing this

I tell myself to go up to express my true colors

Simultaneously, I’m growing wings and tail feathers

Speak now or forever grow a beak

As we sit around the dwindling fire,

Our eyes observe the ever-changing sky

The sun taps in as the moon taps out

We climb up the trees and pass all the leaves

Up to the top of the roof

It’s cold up here but at least I’m with you

I don’t why but it feels so right

Your arm wraps around my body and pulls me tight

My head fits right into your chest

If this is the closest interaction i’ll receive

Then i’ll let it rest

I’ll cherish this moment forever

My feelings have been pushed into on going traffic

They have been kayaking through rough rapids

But yet they can’t get safely into your arms

The girl behind me seems to draw your eye

What am I doing?

I let myself get mesmerized by your orbs

I lost myself.

This isn’t who am I

This isn’t who I want to be

I just want to extend my third finger

Enjoy your life.

I deserve the mutual interest

I deserve more

I am worth it.

You are not.

I will enjoy myself

Without the thought of you.

I read this entire situation wrong.

I don’t why it took me this long,

To realize that your heart is not set out for me.

i’m just a friend in the zone.

I can’t be mad though,

I let my imagination run strong,

Believed your actions as something more.

But, they were not intended for me.