The Void in which I Scream

So it’s been a while since I first posted anything. I have to admit I haven’t needed to ‘talk’ about how I feel since then. However, I can feel myself slipping back into the same pit I was in last time. Not that I’m surprised, to be honest. I haven’t had as many ‘down’ days but lately, I’ve been having a day here and there where I don’t feel anything.

Maybe I’m just tired, or homesick, or am I imagining it all this time. It doesn’t feel as intense as it was last time so it’s a possibility that the later is an end of term expectancy that I should definitely feel immensely angry, immeasurably sad and fragile, and just numb to the point that I don’t have the will to move.

I feel like this isn’t bad enough to even try to talk to someone this time round. That’s why I’m writing on here again. I’m starting to feel that “Scary Black Nothingness” creep back into my mind again and I don’t think I can run from it.

I am so happy where I am in my life, doing what I enjoy and love… but I can’t feel it.

I feel sad for no reason. Because of this, I feel angry. And because of that, I can’t find the strength to do anything but stare into a void and cry. Because of this, I don’t have the same enthusiasm for the things I like and want. Because of this, I feel horrible because I know I can do those things and that I’m good at them. But I just don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to be alone when I’m like this, but when I do feel like this I feel like I can’t be with anyone because I’m in a socially unacceptable mood. I don’t want to leave my bed in the mornings when this feeling is at it’s worse, I feel safe there, but I have a life to live so I force myself away from it knowing that I have no choice but to carry on. But I don’t feel human.

 Today I am in this state. Staring at nothing and therefore crying at nothing but trying not to cry so I don’t scare my parents. Feeling like if I move at all I will shatter into millions of shards of what should be a functioning human. Wondering why all I can focus on and think about is a scary black nothingness.

I feel pathetic. I know I’m not though, which makes me feel guilty for even thinking that I was in the first place… I wish there was something I could do that isn’t self-harming, drug abuse, or drinking this away.