I am a writer...kind of

She is beautiful She is sunshine and summer, she is warm and she is soft she is hard and funny and fast She has a voice that would tame anything, but her hair She has the most beautiful hair She is words you never tire of hearing She is still so new to me She is something I can't wait to know, I am something I hope she can trust she is always climbing on something I think it's because she should be closer to the sky I'd be more surprised if I saw her sitting still than if I saw her flying I think she's always been made for flying always been made to be closer to the light and the stars I think the sun misses it's girl but I want her to be my girl, so the sun will have to keep on missing her She is the stories written in lines on her palm she is made of all kinds of stories, spells, and tarot cards She is a summer fairy and a Leo She is not perfect, but I hope I can kiss every one of her flaws She is a girl, a person Made of curly hair, bones, muscles and flesh Made of stories that I can't wait to know Made of memories she treasures and ones I'm sure she'd like to shake Made of more than I know how to write She is something I've always wanted to write She is beautiful She is magic

I dreamt of you last night I dreamt I was the girl that you loved I dreamt I was the girl I once was I was sobbing on the floor You were angry at me or sad because of me or leaving because of me I saw you sitting on the floor With that look you got everytime you told me it was over, or you needed time, or I was too much or too little Too strong or too sad or too scared I'm sick of being scared You made me so scared I want to hold the scared girl's hand The one in the bathroom stall after you pushed her head down and managed not to see her cry Tell her it's okay that she loves you Tell her she might be right when she says she will never not love you But that she's allowed to hate you too And she is allowed to leave she is allowed to be sad and scared and strong and she is strong enough to walk away Walk towards something else Someone else Sad, scared, strong girl, there's someone else And she never gives you nightmares Only origami flowers

I wonder if you have any idea how it felt for me How you felt, for me You never feared sharing all the feelings in your mind Never hesitated letting me know that I had shattered you I had supposedly broken you I wonder if you wonder about me How my heart broke how my mind exploded How my body ripped at the seams, my stomach contracted, my eyes flooded I wonder if you remember that is was you who broke me Even you who walked away in the end I wonder if you remember me Remember the yelling and the begging, the crying and the breaking I wonder how you remember me If you've changed the story entirely If now I am that-bitch-who-broke-your-heart I wonder how she knows me If I am the ex girlfriend the ex-bestfriend the ex-heartbreaker If she knows how you hurt me, what you did to me I wonder if she knows me at all I wonder if you know me If you ever really did

I could spend the rest of my life in that book store Between covers with characters Between shelves with her She wishes she was three inches taller I wish I was three inches closer She told me she thinks I'm beautiful Why didnt I tell her she is beautiful You are so beautiful Her hair auburn like autumn  Her eyes milky like hot chocolate Like november, like not yet December She smells like warmth and snowflakes She laughs a little on every word Even more when she's embarrassed I told her the about the tattoos of the daisies and Alice's flowers She told me anyone could mistake me for a wild flower I constantly mistake her for a rose Or a forest fire Or my favourite book We were in blankets of books Sharing love notes with strangers Sharing blueprints for secret hide outs Her teleportation with a comfortable middle ground For when she wants to go nowhere I would go nowhere with her I would go anywhere

She performs Shakespeare in drama class We tell her she was lovely Teachers wonder why we must say lovely Why we must say incredible Say we throw words around like they are weightless Say she might not deserve them Say we children say 'love' the same way toward best friends or strawberry ice cream We say sir You do not understand Child hearts love sweet tooth like friendship Child mouths kiss cheeks like they spit words We say 'lovely is lovely' Whether it's lovely because the rain fell hard last night, and the world has been washed clean Or lovely because she is on stage and brave enough to speak He says we throw words around like they weigh nothing Well we are children playing catch We throw words and know someone will jump Grab them from the air Will be grateful they were tossed We are children and we throw words like lovely around, Because we knows how it feels to be the one to catch them Or to wish we were thrown to We tell her she is fantastic, Because fantastic, feels nice to receive Feels nice to give We do not throw words around because we are careless We throw them because we are generous We tell her it was lovely, Because life is too often ugly So we throw her a softer word A sweeter sentence And let her catch it

August: Long summer without eachother Long texts about love Long nights spent in phone calls Long wait for the fall September: I was not enough anymore I was not good for you I was soaked in my bodies only coping mechanism I was sobbing on the floor October: You had me in your palm You had me in the bathroom stall Kissing and kissing and kissing And stoping. You said 'go down' you said 'don't you love me' You only heard the yes November: Back of the bus You blamed it on the dark It was why you couldn't see the tears December: The lights on the houses were enough to distract The light in your eyes The light of my life January You changed your mind February You changed it back March What was her name April WHAT WAS HER FUCKING NAME May I haven't eaten in days June I love you July please don't leave me August You can't leave me September Goodbye

They say how much they hate you. That I'm better of without you It's true But I could never hate you, not really. I know you were born with too much to carry I know it was wrong that it all ended up on my chest, crushing my lungs I know you played with me like I was a shatter proof toy I know you let me stumble to the bathroom every few weeks, sobbing and vomiting over the idea of you leaving I know it was some manipulative way of keeping me quiet But I know I asked you to save me I know you held me; shaky and bloody I know you picked up the phone at 4am, I know you waited outside the bathrooms, I know you had to watch me eat just to know I was keeping myself alive I know and I remember and I'm grateful. And I'm sorry. But I also know That you never really meant it And in the end we were poisons activated by each other And in the end it's better this way where we don't throw our weight on each other

Punk concerts Are the loudest thing I've ever heard That I'll ever hear My ears ring for hours after like my mind is empty without the sound Sirens searching for the yelling, the bass, and guitar that don't leave room for thoughts My chest suddenly empty when the band stops playing my heart never figured out beating but the drums did it for me Held up on the hands of strangers sounds worse than a horror movie But as someone with anxiety somehow I'm not panicking The people at punk concerts are loud and they are sweating they're punching at nothing they're soaked in bear and smoke But all of us are scared If you're at a punk concert You've been afraid or your chest has been empty or your heart has been broken Because at punk concerts everyone is screaming about how bad it hurts or how great it all is But Everyone is terrified of the punk concert ending Everyone is afraid of tomorrow starting But tonight We surf on hands and jump off stages and jump at each other and lean on each other It's ok if you don't know the words because everyone yells nothing and something And the singers yell back because at least someone knows what it's like to be scared And sad Or filled with emotion Punk concerts give all of the scared people somewhere to go and be brave I fell onto the stage stood there laughing and yelling And heard someone shout just jump I've never been good at trust falls But I dove into their arms like the ocean

Dear new one, You Are real now You Used to be a phantom A mirage made out of my own fear Now you Have flesh, blood, and a heart that beats just like mine You Are a real person, a real girl, a real possibility. Dear new one, I will always love him, no longer in love with him Love him. Fall in love with him Everyone deserves to feel as much and as hard as he will make you feel. Dear new one, He sleeps with a light on Make the light in your eyes bright enough to comfort him. Dear new one, I hope you never have to talk him away from a window But god I hope he makes you feel like punching walls, Like breaking glass, Like you are the glass. Dear new one, I hope you're happy, I hope he is too. But dear new one, If you see her number on his phone walk away. Dear new one, Love him lovelier than I did Dear new one, Please. Dear new one, Thank you.

I still love you I still miss you I still hurt every time I think I see you I still cry every time I think of you how come it hurts this badly When does it stop hurting this badly