toadkage

Zack: My shirt fell. 

Aerith: It sounded a lot heavier than that. 

Really, Nibelheim was only the culmination. It was his breaking point—the last straw. Discovering the circumstances behind his birth and guzzling down books for a week straight may have ultimately drove Sephiroth into insanity, but it was everything else that had paved the road to the village being razed. Nibelheim didn’t plant his fears, his pain, or even his anger; it was the gasoline that burned the last of his patience and humanity from the inside out.

Zack can’t get the dog’s head out either, so he opts for calling for help. Problem is he can’t call Angeal because that means death, and he can’t tell Cissnei or the other Turks because they’ll report straight to Tseng and the VP and then he’ll be found dead in a shallow grave within the hour. So he calls Cloud. Cloud is loyal and determined, immediately commits to the mission.

Zack: Good, you’re back! Did you find butter? Grease?

Cloud: No, but I got lube. Think that’ll work?

Zack: Oh, definitely—wait. Where’d you get it?

Cloud: I figured I’d ask Commander Rhapsodos. So I knocked on his office. Sephiroth and Angeal were there too, by the way. And I explained I needed lube because I was helping Zack with something! They seemed really alarmed and asked what I needed it for, so I was like “fine, I’ll come clean,” and explained how “Zack got Dee’s head stuck in a treat jar.” And they asked if it was the D they were thinking of, and I said “yeah, that Dee! The poor thing got too excited over treats and now Zack’s freaking out, so we need lube to get it off.” I even told them how we considered butter and grease, but Dee deserves better than that. And how the process requires something professional.

Zack:

Cloud: Then Angeal fainted, Sephiroth started fanning him with a report folder, and Genesis shook my hand before giving me the lube. He also gave me condoms, for some reason...? Don’t know why.

*The bull is angrily speeding toward a flock of SOLDIERs. Zack stands still*

Angeal: ZACK, MOVE! RUN!

Zack: No no no, wait! Back in Gongaga, bulls are sacred! They’re related to Kujata, and have an ancient spiritual connection to people of pure intent. The bull senses things, Angeal, it reads your spirit.

*He drops to both knees, spreads his arms wide, and faces the charging bull with peace and understanding*

Zack: Look, at that. It’s reading me, it’s looking right into my soul and it can see that I’m pure of heart! It sees the sincerity, it sees that I come from the same place it does spiritually.

*The bull does not stop. The bull takes Zack’s stance as an act of disrespect and accelerates angrily*

Zack, hand outstretched: Shhh, it’s okay—

Sephiroth, on top of the vending machine: Don’t stop him, it’ll be religiously insensitive.

Leave that man alone 😭 He has exactly two sleep settings: content housecat mid-sunbeam or open-casket funeral rehearsal. Angeal and Genesis learn this the hard way, very early on in their friendship.

Genesis: ANGEAL. ANGEAL, GET IN HERE HE'S DEAD.

Angeal, sprinting in full panic-mode: WHO?!

*Sephiroth is on the bed arms crossed stiffly over his chest, legs perfectly together. He looks embalmed*

Angeal: You don't know that! He might just be asleep!

Genesis: Okay, okay, what do we do? What if he's actually dead? How do you wake him up if he's like this?"

Angeal: You say a keyword. Something that triggers his immediate consciousness. That's what I do with you and Loveless.

Genesis: That is the most condescending thing I've ever heard. I am not a sleeper agent, my mind is a steel trap. Ha. That reminds me of something my mother—

*Sephiroth bolts upright at once*

*AGZ throw open the door to Claudia Strife's house. There's Sephiroth, calmly seated at the dinner table, napkin tucked in, holding a fork and a glass of Claudia's homemade iced tea like he was born there*

Angeal: Sephiroth. We haven't seen you in three weeks.

Genesis: The tracking led us all here to Nibelheim.

Zack: Man, why are you at Cloud's mom's house??

Sephiroth: Three weeks ago, Cadet Strife handed me a box of homemade food. His mother had sent it to him, and he, perhaps hoping to curry favor, offered it to me. I tasted it. It was— *closes eyes* —soul-altering. This is what people mean by "home." Mrs. Strife has accepted me as her own. I will not be returning to Shinra.

Angeal: You can't just adopt someone's mother because you liked the casserole, Sephiroth, that's nuts!

Genesis: You're a SOLDIER. You have responsibilities!

Sephiroth: I have found peace. She crocheted me slippers.

Zack: And what the heck are you gonna do when Cloud comes and wants his mom and his room back?

Sephiroth: Marriage is always an option.

Zack: YOU CAN'T MARRY CLOUD.

Sephiroth: But I can marry his mother.

My coworker Jeff: I see. And those reports I asked for?

Cloud did meet his hero, even if behind a helmet. He witnessed him saving his team in the river and spending two hours searching for the one man he lost. He witnessed him being kind to Zack. He witnessed Sephiroth praising his own bravery when protecting Tifa from a monster.

Before Sephiroth drove himself insane, Cloud really did get glimpses of those honorable traits. He had every reason to want to emulate and admire his childhood hero.

*Angeal and Genesis are lying side by side on a heart-shaped bed. The lighting is aggressively pink*

Angeal: This is the single worst position any man can find himself in with his best friend.

Genesis: Really? But we shared a bed all the time as children having sleepovers. This is no different. 

Angeal: Your childhood bed didn’t have a mirror bolted to the ceiling above it. Or condoms under the pillows. Or a can of whipped cream on the nightstand. Or a complimentary menu laminated to the wall with items I refuse to read aloud. Or Sephiroth on a sex swing three feet away from us.

*Sephiroth is indeed on the swing, simply sitting there, swinging at a gentle, meditative pace*

Sephiroth: But this is the most relaxed I’ve been on a mission in years.

Genesis: This is the most relaxed he’s been on a mission in years.

~

Sephiroth: …should something this color ever be put in one’s body?

Sephiroth: *remembers mako exists*

1) He is just stone faced powering through the worst hot girl tummy problems every time they use the airship in VII

Sephiroth's phone: "Genesis Rhapsodos", "Angeal Hewley", "Zack Fair", "Cloud Strife"

Angeal's phone: "Gen", "Seph", "Zack", "Cloud"

Genesis' phone: "Friend", "Big tits", "Puppy", "Ridiculous Hair"

Zack's phone: " 🐍Genesisss🐍", "⚔️ANGEAL IS THE BEST🔥", "Sephiroth 🗡️😝 💚🍝🫡🐱",

"☁️❤️ CLOUD STRIFE BFF ❤️☁️"