the army, the navy

"ruthlessly repressed violent sadist" is already a peak character concept, but "ruthlessly repressed violent sadist who everyone tries to take advantage of" has yet to be beat for me

what if you tried so hard to be good even though you knew it wouldn't bring you the kind of satisfaction you really crave because you weren't willing to make anyone else pay the price. what if the people around you wanted to use you and promised you'd be doing the right thing, but you knew better than to believe them. what if you knew that when the time for finding someone to blame came you'd be the first in line because you, sick thing, you took pleasure in it. what if you knew that nobody loves or needs a monster, but everyone wanted the monster anyway, and you couldn't remember the last time you felt like anyone wanted you at all. what if it had been so long since you felt anything but exhaustion and guilt and a sense that something is going to happen that you won't be able to come back from, someday, and the only choice you'll have when it does is whether you set it in motion.

it's the idea that you can only be a willing participant and even a perpetrator if you take any kind of pleasure in the act at all