TheSnowDrifter

There are a few things that make me truly happy, the kind of happy that radiates from my core. Family of course is one of those things and comes above of all else, but in terms of professional contribution, concert photography has held a special place in my heart.

I've been nerding on music since I was little with my parents selection of classic rock from the 70's and 80's spinning on the turn table when I was just a little guy. Starting to play guitar in 4th grade. The drums in 8th grade. Playing tons of guitar with friends during the college years. Playing bars with my band as a drummer. To this day, I still love to play and still do.

All of these things beckon back to my childhood where I would see concert photographs and want to be in them. If I'm being honest, to some degree, I would still like to be in them, but one thing that I didn't anticipate is that by being around them, I could still fill the void.

So here I am, rapidly approaching the half century mark of being alive. If I'm not trying to hide my age this translates to, "I'm 48". As I approach milestone birthdays in my life I have a tendency to look back and ask if there is anything that I could have done differently, as I'm sure we all do in our own ways. Part of this contemplation recently was asking myself what made me happy in the past. I've been struggling with this lately. To be clear, I don't expect happiness in my life, but I do year for fulfillment. Fulfilment is the thing that will let you sleep at night.

Maybe it's the perception of aging, in a 'you never know when it will be your last day' type of way. Whatever the case, I haven't been totally fulfilled by my day job and figured, well you're not dead yet. So what can you do today?

For me, today, I will apply to photograph a concert. In the meantime, I'm dusting off this blog in order to try and bring these experiences and what I learn from them to you.

I had once worked for a large photo agency and then for a gentelman that was the in-house photographer at a major concert venue in the US. As a result, I had great opportunities to photograph concerts as a major part of my decade long professional career. This blog has swelled and recessed like the tides.

More than ever I have been thinking about how cool it would be to actually focus on this blog and try to build out the vision that I have had for it. I want it to be a place where I can share my experiences with you in hopes that you can gain insight or learn. I want to feature the things that have given so much to me over a lifetime. Things like music, but also outdoor sports like snowboarding or mountain biking. More recently, disc golf. I never thought I'd be so hyped on disc golf. More on that another time I suppose.

Anyway, it's time. It's time to stop thinking about doing it, and time to start doing it.

Well, I shot film today!! I only ended up making four frames. What a different experience from shooting digital. I haven’t shot film for 15 years.

Basically every time the shutter button is pressed it cost me a dollar, so the entire thought process of making a shot is changed. You kind of do the edit in the field ahead of the shot. With digital, I’m inclined to just try a bunch of shots, picking and choosing from them in post. With film, you are trying to eliminate the bad shots before you even press the shutter button.

First of all, should I expose for the ground or for the sky, what about both? I wanted to make sure that my shutter speed is above the focal length (55mm) and make sure that the aperture that I selected will behave in a way that I want it to.

Everything about it forces you to slow down. Cropping the frame in camera as much as possible. Manual prism focus is slow, check the meter, check the aperture and shutter settings. One final glance at focus, settings, composure . . . click. Frame recorded. No do-overs. That part of the film is exposed and consumed, recorded into history. No going back. Next?

Today I shot 4 frames. Had I had my digital camera with me I would have shot at least 30. Another cool thing is that right now I’m typing this article rather than heading down the post edit wormhole. I literally can’t see the images. There is no way to know what I actually captured until I get the film processed. This actually is giving me a great sense of freedom right now. I don’t feel bogged down in the work. I’m not as disappointed as I sometimes am that maybe I didn’t get something cool. Which could also be a byproduct of the “free” nature of digital.

I took my time with each shot, trying to make it the best that I could. It just forced much more presence in the moment. I felt like I was on and adventure. I wasn’t shooting everything, only the things that looked interesting. This may be the most valuable thing about it, I didn’t waste my time shooting a bunch of crap. I was deliberate with my effort.

Unfortunately, my best friend’s Dad passed away last year. While grieving he came across his Dad’s old Nikon FM-2 SLR film camera. Knowing that I would know what to do with the camera and that I would appreciate it, he decided to give it to me.

At first, I thought I wasn’t going to use it due to the cost of film and film processing. I was honored that he gave it to me and I decided to make sure that I would take good care of it in case someday he wanted it back as a keep sake. I really didn’t plan to use it that much. At least, not until recently.

The FM-2 is a fully manual mechanical camera that uses film to record images. The only electronic thing on the camera is its light meter and possibly the flash shoe, but I haven’t confirmed whether or not it uses the battery or if it works on the piezoelectric effect like a clicky grill lighter.

Making photographs with this camera is much different than using a phone or any modern professional camera.

First of all . . . film. You get 24-36 shots per roll. Film is expensive to buy and to process. At the time of this writing, I can shoot and develop a roll of 36 exposures for about $1 per frame. Every time I click the shutter button, cha-ching, one dollar has just left my wallet. The point being, because it costs money, you tend to be much more deliberate with the photos that you take.

You also have to change all of the settings by hand including the focus, aperture, and shutter settings. Nothing is automatic on the camera and it forces you to slow down and think about each shot.

But I think that the most valuable thing that this camera has taught me so far is that there can be peace in slowing down. Maybe that is the actual gift, more than the camera itself — to remind me to appreciate each moment and to realize that things will happen in their own time. It forces patience.

No more screen peaking to see what I was able to capture. Nope, this is sheer in-the-moment success or failure. You won’t see the results for days, more likely weeks. It is not fast, it is a deliberate focus on making the best thing you can in that moment without immediate access to the results.

For the past couple of days I’ve been experimenting with the FujiFilm Instax Mini Evo, a hybrid instant print camera that features the ability to capture images digitally, apply filters in-camera to change the look of the photos, and print on demand using the FujiFilm Instax Mini film cartridges.

Here are some of the images I’ve made, what do you think?

It’s summer on the East Coast, which means small waves and warm water temps. We have had a somewhat surprising July in the respect that we did have waist to chest high swell for a couple of weeks earlier in the month. Even more surprising is the fact that I've ended up body surfing more than stand up surfing during this time.

Currently I only have one car, so any surfboard that I bring to the beach has to go on the roof racks. This time of year, my family usually wants to go to the beach too. So basically, if I go to the beach with my family and the waves suck, I now have to deal with dragging the surfboard around.

My daughter is to blame for all of this though. She had a friend who had a body surfing hand board. I remember seeing old school versions being made out of ply wood like materials, but this was a new take on it. She ended up getting one for her birthday. Then I used her board, wanted one too and then got one for myself. I already had swim fins, just like my daughter did, but the hand board made body surfing so much more fun.

You are able to ride waves better with the hand board. It allows you to plane up more, which means you can catch waves earlier, keep your head up out of the water, ride directional lines, and ride for longer. By the way, you’ll need a good pair of swim fins to make this setup work, as the fins give you enough propulsion to catch waves and then act as planing surfaces once you are riding. Body surfing purists may say that fins and/or a hand board are cheating, but I’ll let them contemplate that because for me body surfing isn’t fun without this gear. The gear was the unlock for me.

One of the things I like most about the body surf set up how easy it integrates. We keep our swim fins and the hand boards together in a satchel about the size of a back pack. It’s easy to throw them in the car because they take very little room, but they do ensure that you will be able to catch waves for the day without the hassle of dragging surfboards around. I think this is what I like most about them. I know that within three seconds I can throw this bag in the car and I will essentially ensure that I can get in the water and catch some waves that day.

So basically, this is my solution to dragging a surf board around on questionable surf days when I know I will be spending time at the beach with my family. If the surf is unquestionably good, I’m probably heading out early in the morning solo (hopefully meeting up with friends) and getting on it before the wind does. Otherwise, the body surf setup allows me to spend time with family, catch waves, and I’m able to do so with minimal extra work. Stoked.

Occasionally a rainy day can be the impetus to finally just slow down. However, for people who relax by moving - shout out to my ADHD people - rain can be challenging because it limits the activities that could be available to us.

Gear up and get out — One way to battle this is to just put on some gear and get outside. One of two things will happen. One, you get soaked. The good news is that once your soaked, you can’t get wetter. Two, you don’t get that wet. Yeah it’s wet outside and your likely to be a little uncomfortable, but this is better than staying inside in most situations. Of course there are also instances where the wet makes things that rely on friction (like bike tires not slipping) to be quite dangerous, so there is that too. Of course, if you are in a survival situation, you want to do the best that you can to stay dry because wet equals cold eventually. But enough of this diversion into the obvious.

We’ve all done it. At least as surfers in this modern era, I would assume we’ve all done it. We’ve checked the surf cams over and over, only to find ourselves frustrated and unsure of whether or not we should make the effort to surf.

For me, my day starts by taking a look at the surf cams before I get out of bed. It is debatable whether or not it’s healthy to immediately look on my phone when waking up (most experts agree that it is not healthy), but that’s a topic for another day.

This is typically a quick look for me. Living on the East Coast and it being summer, the waves are usually small and if the it’s high tide then it typically doesn’t matter what the wind is doing, it’s going to be meh at best.

It’s only on the days where it looks good-enough that I find myself getting sucked into the trap of over analyzing. Should I get my gear on the car and go (I currently live about 20 min drive from the beach) or should I get on with my day?

It’s often hard to tell just by looking at the camera feed. In an ideal situation, I just put my board on the roof and my shit in the car and get out of here before the duties of the day summon me. Most of the time though, it turns into a game of should I or shouldn’t I.

In the summer months I don’t typically have a “job”, as my “real-job” work is seasonal. I’ve addressed this in previous posts, but the point I’m making here is that, other than working on personal projects (like this blog) and trying to be a good father and husband, I don’t have a typical job in the summer that I have to report to in the morning. When I was younger and less disciplined with my budget I did, but now that I am older and less willing to trade my life for meager pay, I typically budget my way through the summer lull and pick up where I left off in the fall.

With that said, I have the freedom to surf or not surf in the summer. So it is truly a choice of whether or not I want to go. The one caveat of this is that it is better for me to go early in the morning before my Dad and Husband duties take over, but still, I don’t typically have to report to a job. All this is to say that, I have true freedom of choice in the summer of whether or not to actually go surfing.

If you surf you know that the best times for wind are typically the beginning and end of daylight hours. So, without considering tides, these are typically the best times to surf because the lower wind speeds lead to cleaner, more rideable and therefore more fun waves. So the morning ritual is to at least take a quick look at the cams to make sure I’m not missing anything before I get on with living.

The point is that sometimes you miss opportunities that could be good by over analyzing whether or not they are actually good. Sometimes, it’s better just to jump in the water and find out first hand. There have been times where I look at the cams for so long (on and off checking throughout the day) that I literally miss it because I waited too long. It was good, but now the wind is on it and the tide is wrong. I just needed to do the work of getting my shit together and getting in the water. But nope, I am trying to optimize and therefore I lose. Sometimes, it works out, but analysis isn’t a great move when it becomes excessive. Even if I did save myself the time of gearing up just to find that the waves weren’t all that good, I still wasted the time, energy, and focus required to keep looking at the cams weighing out whether or not I should go. This pulls my focus away from the things I should be working on and puts me into the abyss of overwhelm.

Here’s a tip that I have tried to implement in my own life: Don’t get caught in the trap of overanalyzing. Trust your gut, make a decision, and move on. I’ve spent a great deal of my life overanalyzing and I can tell you first hand that it leads to missed opportunities, frustration, lack of focus, and it depletes momentum because your mind is stuck on whether or not to proceed, so your life is literally on hold during these moments distracting you from living out your best experiences.

I feel like it is much better to take imperfect action than to wait for the perfect moment. Just make a fucking decision and get the data points that result from that choice. For instance, on such and such day I saw that the wind was slightly on it, but there was some size and the tides were favorable. So go! Afterward, I have the experience and I have information that will help me next time - definitely better than sitting home staring at the surf cams.

The point is that if you spend too much time analyzing you are bound to lose, even if you eventually make the “right" decision. You spend so much time and energy on the decision itself that you deplete your energy and have suboptimal performance. Just make a decision and move on, gathering data along the way, so that the next time you are in a similar situation, you can more quickly make a decision which leads you to your desired outcome.

Quick decision making is better than over analysis in most instances. In major life decisions, it is good to contemplate the outcomes because they take a long time to fix if it goes wrong. I would suggest this as a general rule. For low significance things, just make a quick decision and go. For more significant things like whether or not you should move away from family to pursue a dream, it makes sense to take more time to process the decision. But at some point, you have to decide. A non-decision is still a decision, but it usually is tainted with some level of angst in that you have no closure on that particular aspect of your life.

After the decision has been made you are in data collection mode. How has this decision turned out? What factors are at play? Are there other areas of your life that you can use this information to help you make better decisions faster? Be proud of the fact that you were decisive and live with your decision. You will make mistakes, but mistakes are still data and data is ultimately what will help you navigate your life more efficiently and on a level more true to your being.

Now it is time for me to practice what I preach. As I’ve typed this article, I’ve checked the cams at least three times. This is one of those days were it looks okay, but not great. I’m not sure that I want to go over because I know I will be over there later with my family. So . . . I decided to write this article, move on with my day, and get some data. Hopefully, I didn’t miss anything, but it’s possible that I did. That is how it goes. When one door closes, many more will open. So live your life fully. Make decisive moves and get after it. Your time is precious, respect that by making decisions and moving forward.

I want to someday drive across the country, documenting the adventure and beauty of the trip, sharing it with the world. This isn’t an original idea. It has been done many times before, but man, it just seems like such an adventure to me and a way to get creative with each new place along the journey. Right now, my money situation is not one that will enable this to occur. At least that’s the story I currently believe in my head.

I have a couple months between contracts right now. Meanwhile, I’m struggling between just taking any old day job just to keep money coming in, which is probably the advice I would get from 90% of everyone (to just take the job - any job), and pursuing the things that I actually want to work on. The thing is, part of the reason I’m in this shit spot is because I took jobs out of desperation before. In fact the day-job that I am in now was a desperation decision. That decision was made 4 years ago. I don’t want to make that mistake again now.

So instead I sit here in strife, trying to figure out what to fucking do with the precious time that I have on this planet. What’s next? What will have the most impact for the most people? How can I make a difference? How can I invest this absolutely precious time in a way that will lead to the most benefit for the most people?

I can share my story in hopes that it inspires and helps others navigate their own evolving legacy. Legacy. I am not going to live forever. What do I want to leave behind so that people know that I have been here and that I was useful? Why do I fucking freak out so much? Why do I feel constant anxiety? Why do I change my mind constantly?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I thought that I used to. Now, I’m so confused by a life that was not what I had imagined for myself. For so long I choked down the real me to fit into this box that I had made for myself within society. A way for me to support my family financially so that we wouldn’t starve to death. So that I could provide some stability. Now I am so lost in the forest that I cannot tell which way is out. I feel like I simply exist.

I have the grand goal of somehow and someday being able to generate money from my own endeavors. The dream is that I make money, but not from a traditional job that would require me to be someone who I am not. In the meantime, I just fight off being broke and struggle to break even. There is no extra money for living, only enough for survival. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am not ungrateful. I am just desperately unfulfilled.

Time will pass either way. How much longer do I have? Since nobody knows, there is never any time to waste.

Today has felt like a waste of time, as the remaining minutes, days, hopefully years, of my life tick away. At this point, I at least have this clambering article that I just vented into existence to show for the day, but what the fuck? It feels like I am stuck in molasses and I have no idea how to break free. At least it feels that way - like I don’t know what to do next.

There is so much noise. So much chatter. It is hard to see the signal through this cacophony. There are recurring themes of ideas that I have that come and go in and out of my life. I struggle so much to just pick one of them and stick to it. I believe that this is one of the biggest reasons that I squander. I am really good at starting new things, but I’m not a good finisher. 

We moved back to the East Coast.

While living in Colorado for nearly 9 years, the beauty and vastness of the West captured my spirit. It delivered the most captivating landscapes and the views were astonishing. Living out west away from family and friends did come at a cost and the currency was paid in lost opportunities to spend time with loved ones. A heavy price indeed. I suppose that might be why we did ultimately move back to the East Coast, to get back to my roots and to family. The West felt like it was more aligned with my spirit and so this is where the dilemma arises in my soul. I was happy there, but I couldn’t reconcile the time away from those we love. Does anyone else have this problem? Balancing what you want in your own life vs what you want for others or even what others want for you? I’m sure we all struggle with this on some level. 

Needless to say, it’s a little hard to cover snow sports living where I do now. So how does this relate to theSnowDrifter? What was once a cute play on words and directly related to the subject matter of snowboarding, theSnowDrifter doesn’t quite seem to fit anymore now that it will be much harder to cover snow sports, at least for me personally (I have considered the idea of having contributors). But I think I may be willing to look past the fact that the literal snow is missing, for now, because it was always more about the adventure of it.

This blog was initially a way for me to cover snowboarding and snowboarding events, but I think it was always about allowing me to do what feels right. Not only am I able to scratch my own itch, but hopefully in the process I can bring some of this adventure and exploration. So I have to rethink how I want this blog to go. Maybe for now I focus more on the drifting part and see where that takes us. After all, isn’t snow always changing anyway?

I’m stressed, as many of us, probably most of us, are. Pulled between the things that I want to invest my time doing and things that I am doing simply to pay the bills and keep the lights on. Given the choice, I would travel the country blogging my experiences and bringing you along on the journey. In the meantime, I’m working a day job that sucks the life out of my soul all while barely paying enough for my family to survive. I know that my experience is not unique and that a lot of people are struggling in the same boat.

How can we navigate this experience of having to perform in a job we don’t love so that we can provide for ourselves and loved ones? I guess to start, practice gratitude. I have a ton to be grateful for, as we all do. I read a post today that pointed out that most of the things that we take for granted, others wish they could have. For example, I am able to walk. To the person who can’t, this might be their most desired dream - for them to just be able to walk again. I currently have that ability yet, if I’m being honest, I take it for granted most of the time. Gratitude is one path to fulfillment. We can remind ourselves of the things that we are grateful for, even in non-ideal situations.

Another way to develop our lives is to practice patience. We all know that someday we will have to leave this planet. We don’t have an unlimited amount of time. This creates an urgency that I feel every day. We all age, if we’re lucky. So what do you do while you are living a life that isn’t fulfilling despite being grateful for the things that are going your way? The answer is to do as much as you can as often as possible.

Do the things that bring fulfillment to you and to others as often as you possibly can. At the basic level, the idea is to find a way to carve out space in your life to make room for the things that you love to do. You can start to carve out space in your life at the microscopic level. Tiny micro-doses of doing the things that bring you peace, even if for only moments in your day, will build momentum in your life. This momentum will help you be patient because you are in process. You know that you are working toward you dream and now you only have to increase the space and frequency in which you are practicing. It becomes a matter of time, which helps to justify waiting. You can see progress, even only if it is minimal and this progress allows you to be patient because you know you are on the path.

It is similar to hiking a long trail. You can only walk one step at a time, but since you know that you are on the trail, you are patient. You know that eventually, if you keep taking small steps you will eventually get to your destination. You can enhance patience through small daily actions toward your goal. Take it one step at a time, but be consistent.

Consistency. Nothing of value can be achieved without consistent effort. This is perhaps the most challenging part of the entire equation. Personally, this is where I struggle the most. I jump from one shiny object to the next, never able to settle in on an idea long enough to build it into something that is substantial. Even in writing this article I am considering all of the things that I could be doing right now and wondering if this is the thing I should be focused on. Since I want to build this blog, the answer is yes. Remember, you need to build momentum in order to feel like you are getting closer to your goals.

If we go back to the hiking example . . . let’s say that you want to finish a 3 mile hike. The more consistent you are, the faster these 3 miles will go. If you only take a step here and a step there you won’t feel the momentum of your progress and you may never get to your final destination. By taking small steps frequently you chip away at the process and you eventually get to where you are going.

Life is complicated. There is no one cookie cutter way to achieve your goals. However, it does seem that there are best practices. Gratitude, patience, and consistency can be utilized while you do your thing, little by little each day, expanding your momentum with every small step you take. Keep in mind that consistent effort is the key to achieving your goals. Maybe I’m writing this to myself right now as I am at an inflection point in my own life. The reason that I am sharing this with all of you is to communicate what I have learned through my own experiences so that I can hopefully help you get to your final dream destination more quickly.

I am not an expert, but I am getting older (as we all are) and so I do have life experience as I soar through my mid-forties. Take this advice for what it’s worth to you. For some, it may be helpful to read this. For others, not so much. Either way, I wish you a life of fulfillment, even if it has to come one grain at a time. 

Not to be left out, here are some of the pics I made of The Elovaters when they came through Jersey this summer.

ASBURY PARK, NJ - JUNE 25: The Elovaters perform on The Stone Pony Summer Stage in Asbury Park, NJ. (Photo by Jason Bahr/theSnowDrifter.com)

Pepper always kills it. Their show in Asbury Park was no exception to this rule. Once again they brought the energy. I was even able to meet up with some friends that I didn't expect to see. It was a killer night. Here are the pics I made. ASBURY PARK, NJ - JUNE 25: Pepper performs on The Stone Pony Summer Stage during the Wisdom Tour in Asbury Park, NJ. (Photo by Jason Bahr/theSnowDrifter.com)