yrs truly has a girlfriend. a real fucking girlfriend. not a girl that i have a crush on. not a girl that has a crush on me. not a girl to fool around with. not a long-distance relationship (whether that distance be simply 45 min. away or across a whole ocean) that will never amount to anything other than scribbled e-mails & plastic wedding rings sent by post. no, none of that. a real girlfriend. and her name is beagan. and she’s superduperhellapunkrockcool. she has spiky blue hair and her favorite band is the subhumans. i can kiss her & tell her secrets. she makes my heart beat like a drum in a crass song. and she has the softest lips.
this all started ages ago. the first time i saw her i thought she was the coolest, most beautiful girl i had ever seen in real life. (apparently, she sorta felt that same way about me, but i’ll get to that later.) when i finally got the courage to talk to her, we became friends, & we’ve hung out quite a bit since skool ended. i still had a crush (for lack of a better word) on her, but i didn’t say anything cos i’m sort of with d. & she was sort of with this guy m.
but we spent hours together on thursday, and at one point i looked at her & couldn’t breathe for a minute becos she was so beautiful. and i felt really awkward all of a sudden.
i had had too many cups of coffee, so that night i had plenty of time to not only have a panic attack, but also to lay awake & dwell on my feelings for beagan.
then, we hung out again the next day. and i couldn’t stand it, i had to tell her, but i was so scared. i didn’t even know she dug girls at all, much less me. but she finally dragged it out of me, & then she told me that she felt the same way about me. we talked about sexuality. i told her i had dreamt about her the night before, & she told me sweet things like how she had been really disappointed when she thought i might be straight & how the last time she had made out with m. she had been picturing me the whole time.
then we sat on her front porch for what seemed like hours, but was really only 20 minutes. we kept inching closer & closer to each other, meanwhile avoiding each other’s eyes. and we were giggling like schoolgirls, until we were so dizzy & giddy we felt like we had been drinking or sucking helium out of birthday balloons.
“does this ever get any less weird?“ she asked me. “like, even when we’re 30 or something?” “probably not,” i said. “i think, even then, this kind of stuff will still make us feel like we’re 12.”
finally we kissed each other, and it was so hard to stop. it was the most amazing, sweetest thing ever.
-from a journal entry, 7/3/00