moved to @fearfeeling

Tagged by: @rumdaydreams

Rules: write the first 10 songs that come up on shuffle (no skipping) and quote your favorite lyrics from each song, then tag 10 people.

sorry i had my eden playlist on shuffle so all of these are just eden songs but also,,, not sorry

xo by eden: came and went like the summer time  /  is that a sunset or sunrise  /  looking back like where’d the time go  /  so much for trying to keep this moving slow

wonder by eden: i spent a while trying to learn somehow  /  some missing pieces will not stop me  /  i tried to fill my gaps with heartbeats, so fleeting, but cold feet

wrong by eden: have i lost sight of everything i’ve worked for?  /  did i get this all wrong?

fumes by eden: this is beyond belief  /  that we keep falling for the lure of  /  liquid confidence and lies  /  and we skydive from walls be built  /  dying just to feel alive

end credits by eden ft. leah kelly: cigarette ash like wildfire  /  burning holes in the nighttime  /  open scars cut like barbed wire  /  white lies flying high like a ceasefire

sex by eden: and what’s good  /  when both choices i’ve got  /  have us staring down the barrel to the bullets i can’t stop?  /  and so i stand off  /  like indecision’s Kevlar  /  ‘till this fear of feeling stops and i’m done

drugs by eden: and i got way too many routes to take  /  to make this all just go away  /  and find another heart to break  /  so heartless with these words i say  /  just saying what i’m supposed to say

wake up by eden: ‘cause you see only what you want to  /  your tunnel vision owns you  /  and you can’t see what’s wrong  /  when you keep sleeping through the PM  /  eyes wide open when you’re dreaming  /  you’re sleepwalking, just keep talking  /  maybe you can talk your way out of his deep end  /  no B-plan in your system  /  just tell me what you’re thinking  /  i’m scared that you might fall  /  but you’re not

icarus by eden: disappearing through the silence, screams fade and blue, conversating with a smile, though  /  life invisible  /  guess i thought i’d feel better now  /  somehow, anyhow 

wings by eden: and you can find me where the sea pours into the stars  /  i’ll get there someday  /  i hope you find everything you think that you want  /  bruises will fade  /  time on our side, we can wait for it  /  i’ll be doing fine if you are

A slight blush drifts across Killian’s cheeks. As much as he enjoys pointing out his own good looks whenever he has the chance, these unsolicited compliments from Samuel ( the kind that are whispered softly and surely ) always catch him–and his bravado–off guard in the best way.   “ Truly? I wasn’t sure. ”

“ Aye, I think we do. Have you a place in mind? ”

     the blush that scatters itself across killiian’s cheeks ? sam feels like he has the very right to be smug now. he doesn’t comment on it this time, but perhaps he’ll bring up how he enjoys the aging a few more times to make that red tinge his cheeks again.   ❛   yeah, truly.   ❜

“ Aye, but some of us are showing it more than others. ”   He’s still not sure if he likes that he’s going gray, but Sam seems to appreciate it ( rather, hasn’t complained about it yet ) and it’s far easier than keeping up with the dye so he leaves it as it is. 

Killian’s hand meets Sam’s and he massages the light scruff on his husband’s cheek.   “ Fancy that, I happen to want you at everything with me, too. ”

     samuel quite admires his husband’s aging. the grey hairs fit him rather well, if he’s being honest.   ❛   and your point ? i like your visible signs of aging.   ❜   over the years, he’s grown far better at giving compliments out, especially to his family.

“ Amelia doesn’t want us to chaperone her school dance, love.”

“ I miss when she and the boys wanted us at everything. ”

@therunawcys - a silver fox for sam.

Hook was nothing if not UNPREDICTABLE. It was the price of being forever at odds with his own self, having dark and light engage in a never ending dance that pushed him to the very brink and back several times over. When she speaks, he’s willing to listen. He focuses on her voice, how it falls in his ear; remembers a time where he loved it more than anything. But that’s what it was. A memory. A feeling so distant he couldn’t quite catch and experience again. 

He also hears to the words she says, and they bring a stifled laughter to echo in his frail lungs. Laughter at the moment of clarity he achieves, and how it had come about when his judgement should be nothing if not clouded but the ache of his wounds. Yet there was. The message he could see clear as day. He forces his one good eye to look her way, and despite the smile that lingers on his mouth, no trace of amusement can be found within them. If anything, it edges closer to dread.  ‘  You’re going to leave me again, aren’t you?  ’  For once, his voice doesn’t crack; all his energies having been focused into getting this out.  ‘  Not right at this minute, but after. Maybe when I can stand on my feet, maybe sooner. But you will leave me, won’t you?  ’

     raw confusion hits her, uncertain as to what exactly he’s laughing about. emma blinks, waiting on him to speak, and when he does, she urges herself to not react in a way that’ll give away an answer. in reality, she doesn’t know when it’ll happen, but she knows it will happen, because that just happens to the nature — the cycle — of their relationship. never managing to last for very long; a fact that kills her to think about, but she brushes it aside more often than not, and allows herself, in the moment, to at least think she’s had one more chance to make things better.

     except, better can’t be achieved. they’re on entirely different paths, and emma can’t reach him like she one could back when they were a team in the GCPD.   ❛   i don’t know.   ❜   her voice remains steady to not give away any sign of weakness — to not show that he is right. it’s a deflection away from the reality of things, and she hates that, despite her power of detecting lies, she’s a terrible liar herself. although she thinks she’s told a decent lie, she reckons he’ll figure her out eventually.   ❛   there are a lot of things i don’t know about anymore.   ❜   right now, she wants to run. to run away and never look back, and that’s the only thing she knows how to do but...

A clatter of reverberating metal permeates the silence and mixes with his scoff. He shakes off the pain in his foot after it made hard contact with the rubbish bin. A dull throb in his foot is nothing compared to chronic ache of living without Samuel. He chances a quick look at Samuel, notices the pain on his face–the conflict–and lets himself hope ( but hope is against the rules, so he quickly cuts that thought short ). Small words hang in the air around them like little bombs waiting to explode into something more reminiscent of the arguments that ended things between them. There are a lot of things he wishes he knew, a lot of things he’s not sure about ( himself, which way is up, how to breathe without air in his lungs, how to go on living without his heart ) but you don’t see him playing fast and loose with major life decisions. 

This is worse, he thinks. Knowing that he isn’t certain, hoping that maybe he’ll change his mind. This is so much worse. Killian can’t gauge how he’s supposed to respond when Samuel isn’t sure. It leaves him reeling for some kind of touchstone ( and aching because the man who had always been that touchstone is so close and yet so fucking far away ). There’s a brush off, then, and Killian recognizes the familiar pattern of their conversations. Once again, they’ve edged so close to something resembling real and once again they’ve stopped just short of acknowledging it. 

His schedule is busy, this was only supposed to be a brief meeting, Samuel clearly hasn’t forgotten the demands of Killian’s job. Even so, he can’t find it in him to want this conversation–however tense and painful–to end. It has been the closest he’s come to truly talking to Samuel in the last few months. No matter how much he wishes he could walk away and find happiness for himself ( the rules, after all, were there to keep Samuel happy ), he can’t. When they met, Killian knew that Samuel was it for him. He became the beginning and end of Killian’s world so completely and so quickly that he hardly knew he had fallen in love until he was so lost to it there was no chance of ever going back. 

Maybe it’s the broken candor of Samuel’s voice, maybe it’s his own mental fatigue of playing this game, toeing this line that softens his resolve. He falls back onto the bench, stretches his feet out in front of him, and stares his sore foot. He knows if he glances at his phone there will be dozens of missed calls and texts from authors and editors, but he doesn’t look at his phone. He doesn’t check his watch. He just sits. 

“ You know I do. ”   He doesn’t say it to make Samuel feel guilty for taking up his time, but he knows the minute the words fall from his lips that that’s how it will sound. He tries to recover the moment, but his exhaustion bleeds through and he’s almost certain he’s lost it.   “ I’ll always make time for you, Prescott. Surely you know that, too. ”

     each word spoken is a punch to the gut, and each second of passing silence feels like a lifetime. he waits, knowing that killian will likely walk away eventually. there are better thoughts to entertain, better people to be around than his ex. and yet, the man doesn’t go — instead, his figure settles down back next to him, and samuel is both relieved and even more anxious than he’s ever been. in the past, he would’ve winced — he would’ve reacted somehow, but he’ll take the brunt of killian’s words  (  he believes he deserves it, anyway  ).

     this time, he thinks he’s the one about to laugh. not out of bitterness, and certainly not because he thinks anything is hilarious. it’s just the only act of emotion that he can muster up, the only thing that lets him do something rather than sit in silence and brood. hands clench on his knees, knuckles turning white; dull nails dig into the fabric of his jeans. killian’s words don’t soothe him this time around. they usually do, somehow, and his presence, despite the stress of knowing they’re close yet far, helps settle what lurching fear is in his stomach, but it doesn’t today.

Killian straddles Samuel’s waist, seating himself gently on his upper thighs. He runs his hand up the knights back then begins the massage, digging the heel of his palm into tight knots. Samuel’s smooth skin and firm muscles are warm to Killian’s touch and he looses himself in his ministrations, methodical and rhythmic. 

Leaning down so that his chest is flush with Samuel’s back, the cold metal of the chain he wears about his neck pressed between them, he whispers into Samuel’s ear.   “ There’s a lot you don’t know about me. Let this be a learning experience, then. I rather enjoy giving massages and you are never a bother. ”

     before he can make any more awkward comments that’ll make himself blush, samuel lips part in a groan, face contorting into one of both pain and pleasure. he doesn’t even realize how really tense his muscles are before there’s someone digging their palm into it. samuel can’t say if he’s enjoying it as much as he should be, but he’ll probably thank killian later for this kind service of his.

Sailors have found their way home using the stars for centuries. Killian is no different. His star, though, is Sam’s smile. It’s bright enough to light the night sky and he knows it will always bring him home. Moments like this one when Sam is smiling so brightly, Killian knows that–despite all the bad he has done–there is something in the world that is pure and good and his. 

He closes the distance between them. He wants to kiss the dimples in Sam’s cheeks, hold him close, press his ear to Sam’s chest–and it occurs to him that, for once, there is nothing to stop him from doing just that. He gives pause, though, and listens to Sam’s words, lets the permanence of them sink in. It hits him, then, that there is nothing standing between them and forever. He lifts the ring and turns it over in his hand. He never told Sam the true provenance of the ring–that it was Liam’s–and it warms him to know that Sam has come to love the ring as much as he even without knowing its importance. He turns his eyes to Sam’s then, sees in them so much love and hope, and wonders for the millionth time how it is that he came to find such happiness. All he knows is that he wants never to lose it. He wants this man by his side for the rest of his days. He wants to know what Sam’s smile looks like at every sunrise, wants to know how his eyes will crinkle around the edges when he grins at a child ( their child ), and wants to know how much better that smile will look when it is paired with gray hair and a life time of memories. 

“ Marry me. ” 

     everything that they’ve gone through, both collectively and on their own, has felt like an eternity leading up to this moment. samuel vowed to be as kind as he possibly could to the ones who deserved it, and to give a second chance to the people who gave him reason to. that chance had been given to killian jones — he’d seen the potential, the good in him beyond the simple facts of piracy, beyond what others had to say. if he were to go back in time, he wouldn’t change a thing.

His mind is only occupied with a bloody messy map that attempts to connect all loose ends and make them into something. He tells himself his anger stems from someone going directly against his orders and harming Emma Swan when he’d made it clear that she was his to make suffer, but there is more to it. Much as he may hate Emma now, it still made part of him ache to see her hurt. 

It was why he tried to avoid looking down at her even then, his gaze concerned with the passing buildings of Gotham City rather than mind the woman on his lap. To look at her and have worry cross his eyes was to show weakness. He was already risking enough as it was by having rescued the bloody woman and sought out medical help for her. 

When he does look down, she speaks, and it all dawns on him. Hook’s head drops back, eyes coming shut as he curses himself for not having seen it before. Of course.  ‘  Bloody hell.  ’  He murmurs. Mind flashes back to a memory: that of Barbara Kean telling him I told you so once he revealed Emma’s betrayal. And the manic look in her eyes, her resolve. He wasn’t sure what it had meant then. Oh, how aware of it he was now. Hook reaches for his phone in a haste and dials a number.  ‘  Hey, it’s me. Find out where Barbara Kean was today and where she is now. Let her know I want to have a talk with her.  ’  With that, he hangs up and looks back down at Emma. There was only a hint of guilt in his eyes, but his words erase the suspicion of it.  

‘  I can’t say you didn’t have it coming.  ’

    she’s sure that the entire city will end up knowing about hook’s vulnerability — her — at some point in time. people already give her looks in the precinct whenever his name is brought up, and she always wants to roll her eyes and brush them off, because really, he’s in her past.  (  except he’s not.  )  emma can dissociate herself from him, not when they’ve have an extensive history together.

     his response is something along the lines of familiarity, and as he pieces it together, she realizes that this is clearly someone he knows. and the call only confirms her suspicions, and she grimaces, almost groans aloud hearing her name. of course. barbara kean had always been wary of the relationships rekindling at the time, and emma can’t have blamed her. she’s smart, clearly saw through to her true intentions at the time, even if emma had been going through a stage of being troubled and uncertain about what she’d been doing.

Most nights with the knight he thinks, as they both chase some kind of far off pleasure, that he’ll wake up in chains on the way to the Royal court for sentencing. That’s why, if Samuel ever asked him, he puts his trousers and boots back on before falling asleep–so that he’ll at least be dressed when the king decides to hang him.  

Their arrangement isn’t his typical fare, but it serves him well enough when he’s in port. The knight is less experienced than his usual bed partners, but he appreciates the blank slate–the utter lack of expectations. It’s freeing. 

Samuel looks tense. It seems they both are in dire need of release and relaxation tonight.   “ Lay on your stomach, ”   he instructs idly as he pulls off his boot.   “ I’ll give you a massage. ”

           her eyes light up immediately. a deal is something she can get behind, especially if it’s mutually beneficial.    ❛   oh i comprende all right, eddy boy.   ❜    there’s an almost wild look in her eyes as she leans a little closer.    ❛   what exactly did you have in mind ?   ❜