only reason I’m alive is because I refuse to die fat and disgusted with myself sometimes I think that’s why I’m self destructive maybe something in me secretly doesn’t wanna die I doubt it probably just a fatass

I’m starting to losing interest in everything.

I genuinely don’t know how to eat normal anymore.

I have no real idea what I look like.

I know even if I ever recovered the thoughts won’t go away I’m stuck genuinely hating myself forever.

I know the only reason I bring is because I’m self destructive I hate myself so much I don’t even want to just let myself starve in peace 

I need more control.

It started off as something I’ve been doing on and off from as little as I can remember just for a few months until I was happy with myself then one day 2 years ago I decided to do it again Not thinking much of it just knowing how much I hated my reflection and just wanted to change it just a few months I thought I mean it’s been two years now the on and off thing didn’t work this time I guess every single day every single hour it’s all I can think about if only I new it wouldn’t be a one month thing and I must look like such an idiot because I’ve fucking gained weight well I lost alot then gained a lot and lost half of that.