The Pink Routes

"Oh no, not another write-up about justifying the hijab!" I know. It’s the end of the year (albeit a Gregorian calendar one) and it’s a time of reflection. So I can’t help but to share my personal hijrah (“migration”, in this context leaving the old for the better), hoping that other Muslim sisters can relate to my story… and for the rest who asks "how? why? what happened?".

Some people may think that I became “more religious” since I moved to the Middle East from Singapore (for a gap year). The most common misconception people had before I moved was that I needed to "cover up" to live in the Middle East. 

Actually, I've had hijabs *in* my closet for some time. I didn't change just because I moved to a new country. If it was that simple for me, I needn't continue writing.

A myriad of factors contributed to my decision to observe the hijab. Primarily, it was the hunch/calling/epiphany that I felt in the last few days of Ramadhan.

Yet, I didn’t change immediately.

Because I was afraid like most Muslim women. Questions after questions. Can I advance in my career with my headscarf? How will people react when I travel (alone)? Or travel in countries where Islamophobia is high? What will my peers say? Luckily, I realised that it was silly feeling somewhat oppressed by Islamophobia. Men did not oppress me, but society did.

Still, having the hunch made me act on the next step: buy headscarves! I lived in Jordan before, so getting a variety of cheap shawls was easy.

I spoke to my family and a few friends about my hunch. Thank God, no one was negative about it. I prayed to make this ‘transformation’ easy for me.

So I became a full-time hijabi on 11 August 2014, roughly 3 weeks after Ramadhan.

Erm... yes, full-time, permanent… inshaAllah. 

Now, did you really think I transformed easily because of some gut feeling? An acquaintance told me that she wore the hijab with no questions asked when she woke up one day because she felt so guilty the night before! MashaAllah. When it comes to guidance from God, sometimes it comes to a person quite randomly. But not in my story.

BEFORE

Truth to be told, I never really had a “deadline” as to when I would be wearing the hijab for good.

I simply focused on the 5 pillars of Islam. I only wore the hijab on religious-related activities eg. Praying and Islamic classes.

These activities still didn’t push me to change my clothing entirely, except gradually. When I was in Singapore, I entered the mosques fully covered (sort of) except my head unless it was special prayers like Eid. In the beginning I would carry a shawl as a “freelance/part-time hijabi”, but I felt silly for not being myself (ie the non-hijab self). So I ditched the shawl and entered mosques as I was: un-hijab but modest enough. In retrospect, I should have covered my head because it IS the proper etiquette of entering a mosque (or some non-Muslim worship places for that matter!). God knows how many times I felt heavy walking into His house dressed like that…

Anyway, I invested on more mosque-friendly clothes with the hope that they would be useful for me when I wear the hijab someday. (tip: start collecting such clothes if you intent to wear the headscarf in the near future)

THE CATALYST

The hijab is a sensitive topic. Even more so for Muslim women who don’t observe the hijab but who are just as practicing as other hijab-clad sisters.

Someone dear to me advised me sometimes about modesty. I was told that I did many things as a Muslim except one thing. This person was absolutely right.

When we feel like defending ourselves against a good advice, remember that the person is just doing da’wah (ie ‘sharing’. The p-word has a negative connotation. you know, p-r-e-a…). If the person crafts his/her message carefully, he or she is not putting you down but merely giving da’wah about doing the right thing.

“When you see a brother sin, be a private educator, not a public tribunal.” – Tariq Ramadan

Truth to be told, I really admired women who could observe hijab with confidence. Believe it or not, those hijabistas on Instagram played some role in helping me to transform. Oh sisters, your efforts in #OOTD didn’t go to waste. Thank you for the subliminal advertising, haha.

Again, I didn’t change immediately. I planted the intention to change and prayed for guidance from Allah swt to clear my doubts.

UNEASY “BEING ME”

In Ramadhan, I was attending Quran classes daily after my Arabic lessons which were both in different locations. The people at the Arabic centre saw me as someone who didn’t wear the hijab. As I didn’t want to confuse people, I always put on a headscarf after the Arabic lessons before heading to Quran classes at a different institute. After doing this for a month, I even labeled myself as a schizo. Haha. Who was “me”?

THE HONEST VERSION OF ME...

I wasn’t finding myself. I knew who I was (still do) but I was simply uncomfortable “coming out” as a Muslim women due to Islamophobia. Today, I’m wearing the hijab as a form of worship. The hijab is a practical attire for me to go about my daily activities as a Muslim (for non-muslims, have you actually seen how Muslim women pray? also, have you been to orthodox churches… or been to Jerusalem and see Jewish women?). 

No, it isn’t really about “shield” like the covered lollypop theory – no, at least not to me. If you’re pretty, your face shows it – hijab or not. If men want to look at you, they WILL with all their might (more on this another day, inshaAllah).

Qur’an: Surah Al Mujadilah 58:1

Even though I have not been married and unable to understand the plight of women in rocky marriages, I am sure believing married women will find comfort in this *opening* verse of Surah Al Mujadilah. I suppose this is also a reminder for all of us not to air dirty laundry or share our private problems excessively to other people.

Qur’an: Surah At Talaq 65:2-3

And THIS is comforting to those who have decided to dissolve their marriage. It seems to me that society is more judgmental about divorcees than God, ha! 

(Qur’an: Surah Al Jumu’ah 62:9-11)