The healing

Eres como una vela y el fuego te consume poco a poco. Pero me pregunto, por qué te acercas a él? Por qué dejas que te queme así? Acaso no te das cuenta?

First of all I would like to thank you for sending me this message and telling me all of this <3 it is very brave of you :)

It’s such a good sign that you want to recover and I am very proud!

I didn’t stop counting calories or started eating ‘’more’’ from one day to another, it took a lot of time. Once I saw there were people who wanted to help me and were there to support me and give me advice every time I wanted to eat less, for example, really helped me and little by little, I started doing it less. When I was very ill, I was so unhappy and felt so bad with myself, that I realised I didn’t want to continue living that way and had to do something about it. It was hard to accept that I wasn’t able to do it by myself, but I remembered someone telling me that it’s okay to seek help, we are not perfect, and that accepting we need someone else’s help is actually something very brave. 

In my opinion, if you are still living at home, it is very important that your parents know about it.. because: 1. you shouldn’t pay the clinic (if you are under age or if you don’t have a full time job), 2. eating disorders appear because we cannot deal with some things that hurt us too much, that makes us feel bad, angry, sad, lonely, etc… and most of the time, family is an important topic we talk during therapies because we live with them and always have so there are normally a lot of things related with how you feel with family that you might need to work. it is very important that your family knows about you getting treatment because they can help you so much (talking to your therapist, getting to understand what is happening and how they can help you, getting to know more about the illness, etc). And I remember I also felt very guilty and didn’t want to worry them, but since they’ve known, they’ve helped me all they can. We cannot control how they feel but I’m sure they will be so thankful you’ve trusted them. Your therapist can tell them, or he can help you so you feel ready to do it by yourself.

For your question, my therapist told my parents some ‘’rules’’ like for example, the bathroom had to be closed, I had to eat everything they’d put on the plate, I couldn’t choose anything, I couldn’t have money on me, etc, and we had to follow them for months. At first it was VERY hard for me, especially eating everything from my plate, but once you talk about your ‘’real’’ problems, how you FEEL, things that have affected you, even if it was something that happened to you many years ago and made you feel bad, it can be small things, but talking about them really makes you feel a lot BETTER. Eating my whole plate became easier and easier as I talked about my problems (I do recommend you talk about food/myths about food (none of them are real!), and body image as well, but NOT only). 

It’s been so long since I haven’t posted anything on here, but I really want to say a few things. I’ve been working very hard each day to become who I am today: a stronger and more confident girl than I was before. Of course there is still such a long way to go, but goddaaammn, what a change. really. It is possible.

It is possible to become friends with your body and with food. If someone would have said that to me 2 years ago, I would have laughed. But I promise I’m not lying. You can, with a lot of work and time. And also, not by yourself but with the help of others (professionals, friends<3, family...) . I just really felt like telling you this to show you that it is possible to feel happier, to love yourself a bit more, to accept the way you are... Well, maybe to get to know first who you really are (your qualities and flaws, like everyone), cause at least, I, really didn’t know who I was at all! 

There are still some days where I don’t feel good at all, I still sometimes feel very insecure, and I’ve still got so much work to do, like accepting some things about myself, about my family, about my life.. things I cannot change. Those days make me feel useless, empty, sad, lonely.. like I used to feel before. But the difference is I don’t take it out on food anymore: think about it, it literally has nothing to do with food! taking it out with food (whether it is with restriction (even controlling just to feel like you have some things under your control (sorry to say this but it isn’t a real control, actually the food controls you)) or anxiety (even picking) CALMS you a lot, but it is so DANGEROUS and HURTS you so much (you might not see it now but eating disorders are very SERIOUS mental illnesses who can really damage you mentally and/or physically). Taking it out on food becomes then a second problem, instead of only having one (the reason you took it out on food).

I look back and see all of the path I have built, with a lot of external help, but mostly, thanks to my strength. And it makes me feel proud and thankful for realising I needed to heal and called a clinic asking for help when nobody knew about it (only one person who really helped me and supported me even in the hardest moments, if you are reading this, you know who you are and I’m so grateful to you <3). 

I certainly believe that realising I couldn’t do this by myself, because it is such a tricky illness, was the first step for me to get better :)