The Optimistic Widow

Creation haunts me. Not in a spooky ghost way but more of a one that got away vibe. When creation flowed I was a vessel of water. So overwhelmed by everything. The emotions had to find a place. They needed to feel heard.  In many ways like so many times before.  All around there were bars and no I am not talking about a strawberry daiquiri one. (Although these were my lush years.) It was a…

Maybe it’s the rain.The clouds.The feeling of the chill creeping back into my bones. This is a season of sadness.An ever-immersive spiral staircase to nothing and everything.A true “fall” Some years I reach for autumn.As if the wind would be warmer and tears wouldn’t blur my vision. I sit.I’m still.Waiting.Always waiting but for what?“I am ok” I half heartedly say to myself when I accidentally…

Testing the waters of vulnerability. Maybe it wasn’t a hiatus but a hibernation?

Grief is the kind of thing that comes in waves, swelling and receding. It hides within our everyday lives, appearing when least expected. It leaves behind countless sunrises full of hope and late nights that sparkle like Hollywood lights. Some dinners are joyous, encapsulating the feeling of freedom from that ever-oppressive cloud. Our hobbies, routines, work, school, our favorite reality TV…

In an era 💕💃🎤❤️

That flicker of sunlight through leaves. Sometimes in cinematography they will edit the light to give the illusion of physical dimension, the thing about that is capturing a feeling is nearly impossible. A group of ten people could watch the same short film and come away with completely different review based upon their own perspective.   I can remember staring up at those shadows waiting to be…

Reflection and growth

Who do you look to? Throughout life media has exposed me to some the strongest woman a girl could hope to witness. From a very young age I have held Evita Perón in the highest of regard along with characters such as Elfaba, Captain Marval, Mimi, Aida, and my newest Donna Noble. Eva was a poor young girl from middle of nowhere Argentina who dreamt of so much more than marrying a man to take care…

Do you ever wake up to the sense that you were waited on? Whether it is self or another, your eyes flutter open and for a second you feel completely present mixed with arriving for a holiday embraced in joy.One of my favorite artists is Taylor Swift.I relate to her self reflection and desire to grow and reinvent fearlessly.  Without inner healing it is impossible for one to understand the beauty…

Dave’s death day has been stalking me. Like a song stuck on repeat. Or chosen repetition. I’m never sure if I create my own black holes or if I do truly just stumble and fall within. I laid my hand again the tile again. It’s cold with droplets of warmth from the running shower. This feels so much like my grief…. my mental status. Frozen from being left in the dark for far to long but once the light…

When I woke up Sunday morning I felt that same old trepidation. Rolling over there was my son. Breathing softly. I watched the rise and fall of his chest as rays of sunlight swept across my bedroom. Highlighting dust floating the air and reflecting off of tchotchkes lining my window sill. The purple brontosaurs stuffed with an unkillable purple succulent. It looks so healthy in this light. Truly the…

“September Song”- Agnes Obel Please listen to the musical selection while reading to properly experience

In January, I want to say, I started listening to podcasts on my way to work. It began with ones about astrology or tarot. Back then I was constantly seeking. Not sure what I was looking for but that had really been a summary of the previous thirty one years. Find it Jess. That thing you…

In 2017 I remember being beyond excited to get to moments like this.

Sunday.

Sun rising.

The perfect fluff on the pillows behind me from a night of mushing and flipping them all over.

That early morning stillness draped across the house.

The sound of Ajs little snores. One of my cherished nosies in the world!

In the room at my aunts house I would lay in my giant bed, under my…

And when you feel compelled use your voice.

When I start to spiral it is almost always creation that grabs my hand. Without it I would be dragged underneath as I destroyed pretty much everything around me. This one was different. The piano is not me but the lyrics were. As I progressed through the song my anger lessened. I don’t m is this is where I throw my art. Ps. I’m no Celine 😂

Last night I sat in the rain. Purposefully. Asking Pachamama to heal me. This isolation is so challenging. On so many levels. I feel as though I have taken a trillion steps backwards in a matter of days. When I use to live with my aunt there were so many aspects I struggled to understand. Now that I am growing older it is all starting making sense. So many times I would wonder why she didn’t really date.