Adventures of The Office Minion in Cubicle Land

In certain situations, the Cube Dwellers are a courteous bunch. Usually this happens when they need something from you or need you to do something for them. They seem particularly cautious about causing an interruption when you are working. Most of the chairs in Cubical Land are facing inward, which means your back is to everything that is happening all around you. Additionally, anything that covers your head or your ears (hoodies, hats, ear buds, headphones) has been banned. Those who work in Cubical Land have largely developed a type of coping mechanism of ignoring everything that occurs beyond their cube walls. Those who don't work embrace the chaos and add to the noise. Rose came up to me earlier today, with a simple favor in mind. I was typing on my computer--answering emails--nothing particularly complicated. Things around me were pretty loud. Someone had dropped a book or a ream of paper and several people were all laughing and blaming each other for this otherwise insignificant event. I heard four different racial slurs amidst the cackles (amazingly, all interpreted as friendly!). In any case, I had zoned out pretty far to tune this all out. As I continued to type away, I slowly got that feeling that I was being watched. The little hairs on the back of my neck were rising. I turned slightly to see if there was anything to be concerned about. BAM! Rose was standing inches behind my chair, just looking at me. "Rose! You scared me! How long have you been there? What are you doing?" A bit dreamily, she replied. "Oh, nothing. I just wanted to ask you a question. You were busy so I was going to wait." "Well, you can knock or something next time. I'm usually working all day but if you need something, I can stop for a minute, you know. I didn't even know you were there." "Hmm. Okay. Well, can I ask you a huge favor?" It was then that I noticed she had a large grubby pillow in her hands. "Uhhhh... What can I help you with?" "Can I sit in your chair? At your desk? Just to try it out? Your chair just looks sooooo comfy! And your desk seems really nice too!" "Sure?" I replied, coming out more like a question than an answer. I stood up and as she plopped herself down, I winced. She shifted herself around some, leaning back, moving the armrests and re-adjusting the seat position and chair height. "Oooh. Your chair is really niiiice." "Thanks? If you need a new chair, you could always go talk to Patti. She'll help you out." Yup, my favorite Rose maneuver: the Pass-Off. "Yeah... Okay..." She puts the dirty pillow on the seat. "Ooooh, that feels even better. I have sciatica, you know. And my arthritis flares up sometimes and then I have trouble..." (I'll spare you all the intimate details of Rose's personal health history. It's not pleasant.) Rose stood up again, picking up her pillow. "Okay, thanks for letting me sit in your chair! Bye now!" As she left, I stood there, stunned. You would think I would know the answer to this by now, but did that really happen?? It's going to take me the rest of the afternoon to find my chair settings again.

Today, I was explaining what to do with an item with some missing information that came into our department's workflow inbox. Jess noticed that I had paused to think about it before answering her and asked how long it too me to learn what to do in every different situation. I told her that it wasn't too hard, that there are pieces of the situation that are similar to pieces of several other situation and you just need to piece them together and kinda hypothesize what the client is trying to request. Blank looks from both Jess and Monica. Then hysterical laughter. "Hypothesize?!? What the heck does that mean?!? Is that like what you do with a watch back and forth?!? You're getting very sleeeepy!" Hysterical laughter. "No. That's hypnotize. Hypothesize. Like a hypothesis?" "I'm going to Google that! How do you spell that? You're making things up!" "You know. Hypothesize. To take all the information you have and use it to make a really good guess." More hysterical laughter. "Okay, SCIENCE! Okay, Bill Nye the Science Guy!" A few rounds of singing and much more hysterical laughter.

Today is a momentous day. Our ancient, squeaking copier has finally had a catastrophic meltdown and needed to be replaced. The office supply gods decided to shine down upon Cubical Land and have granted enough in the budget for a color double-sided copier. It arrived this afternoon, brought in by a gentleman wearing neatly pressed pants, extra shiny shoes, and a smile so plastered on that you knew the only questions he answers all day are the really idiotic ones. Poor guy. He hasn't heard anything yet. Copier Guy got straight to work, plugging in cords and changing settings and opening packages of paper. He had a calm, almost zen-like look on his face while he did this, never once glancing at the instruction manual. When he was finished, he stood up, smoothed his pants back to perfection and pasted that "I'm ready for the worst" smile back on his face. He motioned for Patti to come over and join him. Patti skipped over, grabbing Sally on her way. "You should learn this too! You're the one who uses it all the time!" Sally is the office assistant. She answers the phone and makes copies. That's it. Definitely important, definitely not high-level. She has gotten to this position by failing at three other positions. When the phone isn't ringing and no copies need to be made, she generally fills her time by surfing celebrity gossip or shopping websites, or staring off into space. So Patti and Sally listen attentively to Copier Guy as he runs through his spiel, pointing out the various settings and uses and how to perform the basic options. Copier Guy seems to be winding down and almost looks relieved to have gotten through it all so easily. "So the nice thing about this particular model is that it does double-sided copies..." "Double-sided?!?" Sally interrupts, excitedly. "I heard about these 3D printers on TV! They are so expensive! I heard they can make pizza!" Copier Guy completely loses his composure, ignores everything Sally just said, hands the instruction manual to Patti, and races out the front door so quickly that he almost knocked another Cube Dweller over. I look out the window and watch as he walks over to his car. He's on his cell phone and is gesturing wildly with a genuine grin on his face. I think we just made his day.

I got a phone call from Carol N today, first thing in the morning. "Hey. I wanted to ask you about the purchase order. For XYZ Inc? Yeah, I wanted to know if you sent that out yet. Because there was a widget that Big Boss wanted to find out if it comes in a different model? You know, like different from the display?" "Hi. Good morning, Carol. Let me back up for a minute. Do you have the number of the purchase order you're talking about?" "Oh yeah. It's 123456. You know, it's not done yet. Big Boss wanted to look at a few more things before we sent that one out." "Hold on... Just a second... Let me pull it up.... I just need to...look at....what you're talking...about." "Sure. No problem. Take your time. You see how it says that Big Boss was still deciding there in the comments? He just wanted to go over some of the options before we sent that one in. You know how Big Boss is." "Got it! Okay. I see that the actual form has been stamped "Finalized" and your initials are in the computer saying that is is completed. We sent it out last week." "Yeah, well, Big Boss wanted to look over some of the options before it went out. You know how that goes. Didn't you look at the comments?" "The last comment says that the order is finalized. It is due to be delivered tomorrow." "Well. That's okay then. I'll just tell Big Boss that you didn't read the comments. He likes you. I'm sure it will be okay. Have a nice day!"

I just overheard someone say, "Them are so stupid!" That is all.

I've decided to add a new feature, brought to you by my five senses. It will help you enjoy the full experience and allow you to feel like you are actually here... Without the hazards of actually *being* here. Today's game is "What's That Smell?" OMG what is that terrible smell that assaulted my nose the second I walked through the door into Cubicle Land and caused me to double over in a coughing fit? A bowl full of Fruit Loops floating in Windex. Possibly in the ventilation system.

I never did get a chance to give Freddie my opinion, which was alright because by the time I overheard discussion on the local sports team and best methods for rearing chickens in a suburban environment while trying to complete my usual tasks, I completely forgot what the question was.

There are two ladies named Carol in Cubicle Land. Carol P and Carol N. I don't have much contact with Carol N. and shouldn't have to have much contact with Carol P. but she is the type of person who has to insert herself into every situation and every conversation, in the loudest way possible. This is annoying enough when a person is talented or knowledgable about the topics they are butting in on, but Carol P. is neither of these. Whenever there are duplicate first names in Cubicle Land, the Cube Dweller is referred to by their first name and last initial. I tend to mush these syllables together, especially if I have to say the same name several times within the same conversation. This is how Carol P.'s nickname was born. I was speaking to the two Carols along with a third Cube Dweller and, after saying her name several times, "Carol P." came out sounding more like "Care-py." She looked at me sideways but didn't say anything. The next day, I was writing down notes for a group that she happened to be in. I noted her as "Car. P" in my notes. When handing out copies later, she asked me what the notation meant. I explained that I had abbreviated her name. About a week later, on a sign-up sheet, she signed herself up as "Car P." That same week, I had to go ask what she wanted to eat for a catered lunch meeting. I wrote down, "Carol P - chicken salad" "It's Care-P," she corrected me. I wrote "Carpy." I used a loopy looking Y on the end of it. She practically squealed with delight. "Yes, like that!" So, over the next few months, what used to be pronounced "Care-py" has become "Carpy" (first syllable pronounced the same as the first syllable in "carpet"). I get small pangs of guilt every now and then for calling her Carpy because, even though I'm sure it's a made up word, I know she doesn't realize the first part is "Carp" and I'm basically calling her fishy. But she loves the nickname and insists on being referred to by it. Guilt abated, replaced by internal laughing.

Carol P.: Well, that's stupid! Where did they think the people would park their cars??

I asked her how her Christmas was and she grumbled at me and walked back to complain to Cassie some more about how much work she had to do.

I respectfully declined her request that I go out of my way to purchase what would surely be unwanted gifts for our two Head Cube Dwellers. I explained that I have a personal life and didn't really care to spend my free time doing unpaid work-related projects instead of spending my precious personal time with my family.  Actually, I just told her that I had plans. She pouted and walked off to find some other poor sucker. 

Amazingly enough, Lisa's sneeze is the only one that all of the other Cube Dwellers can pick out of the cacophony of sniffles, sneezes and coughing spells. It is, in fact, so loud that certain clients who call the office frequently can tell that it is her though the phone, and will tell the person who they are speaking to, "Tell Lisa I said Bless You."

Kiera came strutting over to my desk this afternoon and triumphantly slapped a piece of paper down onto my desk. "I need you to bring up this account." "Okay. What's going on?" She explained that a client had called her and when she went into the system and brought up the account, she saw an item that wasn't supposed to be there. She explained what had been in there was done wrong and what should have been done instead. She also repeated herself several times. "And then in this scenario..." No, you're wrong. "And then on this date this was done..." Nope, still wrong. "And then I think you..." Yeah I did do that. And you're still wrong. As she was digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole of wrong, I noticed something on the front of her shirt. It was a giant booger. I just stared at that glistening wad of snot as she nudged me to the side and took over my computer, flipping through screens and pointing out things that I had done completely correctly. It became even more difficult to pretend that I was seriously listening to her and considering her side of things. When she stopped and looked back at me with a look of triumph, I brought up a single document and read the last three sentences to her. As she took in the information, her look of superiority quickly fell. "You mean...?" Yeah, she was still completely wrong. I simply nodded. "Oh. I thought it was supposed to be the other way." I made some sympathetic noises and told her it was tricky and complicated and that I'd be happy to help her any time she got confused again. I then let her know that she had a little something on the front of her shirt. 

She then turned around and walked away, leaving me confused about how she even makes it to work in the morning.

In Cubicle Land, many of the Cube Dwellers seem to go through furious cycles of dieting and feasting. They claim to be on a diet but will order takeout pizza or Chinese four out of the five work days in a week. On that fifth work day, they'll order a salad and talk to anyone within earshot about their diet plan, using terms like "Atkins," "South Beach," "Juice cleanse," and "bathing suit season." Ever since I came to Cubicle Land, Patti has been "on a diet." She tells me about her plans to get skinny and how she wants to be as slim as she was when she was 16. I've been in Cubicle Land for five years. Patti looks the same as she did the day I met her. This poor woman has fallen for every diet craze out there. Just this past summer, she invited everyone in Cubicle Land to join her in that lemonade-maple syrup-chili powder cleanse. She planned to do it for two weeks and even planned out theme days so everyone who wanted to do it could encourage each other while it was going on. For instance, on the first day, everyone would wear a red shirt. On the second day, they'd all have a button on saying that they were #1! On the third day, they would wear a silly hat. And on for two weeks. I think two or three other dwellers may have actually joined her in this, but poor Patti didn't do well on it. On the first day, she was chipper, walking around everywhere with her bottled concoction, taking a sip every time she got hungry. By day three her complexion was gray, her eyelids droopy and she gave anyone who walked by her desk an annoyed glare. By the beginning of the second week, she had an order in to the local pizza place for double pepperoni with extra cheese. Patti was quiet about the diets for several weeks. I think she was still building her strength back up from when she starved herself for a week. With the announcement of the weight loss contest, Patti got that dieting twinkle back into her eye. I happen to know that she is saving money for a new fancy TV, and I'm sure that $100 prize is prominent in her daily thoughts. Patti's been ordering take out still, but I've noticed a lot more salad on her plate at lunchtime instead of chicken wings and meatball sandwiches. I've been wondering if she was up to something. This week, she sent out an email. One afternoon, we'll be having an ice cream and cake social to celebrate Big Boss's birthday. Another day we will be having a pizza party to celebrate a positive outcome from the recent Presentation. We'll also be having a catered Thanksgiving lunch, cookie exchange, holiday pot luck lunch (the theme is "Italian" this time), catered Christmas lunch, a New Years Eve "dessert" potluck lunch (???) and something that was simply called "Mini Pie Day." Have I mentioned that Patti is the Official Party Planner? SABOTAGE!

This group, as you may have figured out, is very closely related to The Commentators.

I left the pair arguing over whether mayo tasted better warm or cold.