Remembrance: A Personal Short Story
Responding to impulse and taste buds, I jumped out of my wooden chair.
âIâm getting a piece of cheescake, you want anything?â
Intrigued, my best friend looks up at me.
With his eyes, he takes a visual stroll over the display of cakes and sandwiches.
He caresses the stack of books weâve collected in the last 45 minutes.
The stack representing our subconscious attempt to recreate early adulthood passions and excitement for llewellyn books back before we knew a thing or two.
His eyes dart between his left and right shoulders before he looks back at me.
âNo, Iâm good. ActuallyâŚ.maybeâŚa tea?â
Knowing our favorite tea, a hot cinnamon sunset by Harney and Sons with a dash of cinnamon and two table spoons of honey, I feel a smirk come upon my face.
I chuckle and put on my best rendition of the flirt.
He mirrors my expression and oozes over the stack of books as if Harney and his sons had materialized into a seductive and charismatic cult organization.Â
Demonstrating his desire; he vocalizes the sound of his approaching pleasure.
âOchuuuun in a cuuuup!â
I roll my eyes, and nod my head while laughing under my breathe.
As I walk towards the cafe, I am aware of my body and the deprecating dialogue I canât seem to ever escape.
At least, the weather understands me.
It knows how I feel about myself. It knows how others feel about me.Â
This weather and I, had a thing or two in common.
We were both depressed, uncomfortable, and riding on the possibility of explosive expression. Our dark secret being that we both felt like an inconvenience, as opposed to the love and welcome that a bright and sunny day receives.
I am, somehow; always off kilter.
Especially, when it comes to the weather.Â
I tend to embrace whatever comes at me never checking the stats and going with what is happening moment to moment.
Right now, what is, is that its starting to rain. Everyone resents the rain despite preparing for it. And I, resent their resentment.
Also, I fucking haaaate umbrellas.
Especially, on New York streets.
The baristas voice makes its way into my ears, separating me from the allure of my personal Hell. I turn my gaze away from the glass panels that cover this particular Barnes and Noble and look back at the barista.
âIâm sorry, Iâm always in a daydream.â I say this as if she were somehow exposed to my inner world of doom, gloom, and shame.Â
The barista shrugs her shoulders, and smiles to be polite.
Again, I am casually disassociating and caught in the moment; completely missing her outstretched arm with my best friends tea in her hand.
She just wants to get back to her washcloth.
Embarrassed at my inability to stay present, I open my mouth suggesting a brief smile of gratitude, quickly taking my cake and tea with me.
My best friend is buried in two books at once, absorbing information as he always does. With admiration, I continue to walk towards our table feeling my appreciation for his capacity to hold so much information and his hunger for continued study and knowledge.
I will never know why I am his friend.
I donât know why he likes me or keeps me around.
âOchun in a cupâŚyaaaas!â He says as his voice squeeks in excitement.
I feel his joy cover me, breaking me free of my intrusive, cycling thoughts.Â
I place the tea in front of him and then situate my cake, sizing it up to see where I am going to start while wondering if I am going to like it.Â
$7 pieces of cheesecake are usually a hit or miss for me.Â
My bestie breaks my focus.
âYou know Padrino wants us to stop by for thanksgiving. Do you think you want to come with?â.Â
Here go my feelings again, a fucking ouija board without a planchette.Â
A part of me desires to connect with my spiritual godparents, another part of me feels resentment at their selective care for  certain godchildren, and another part of me just feels guilty about feeling any and all of this.
As I search myself, I hear my best friend closing his books. He slides his hand into the center of our table.
âYou donât have to, but if you want to go, youâll be with me.â
I feel my discomfort stirring and beginning to pour out of my cells. My scent gives me away; an aroma reminiscent of basil and thyme-of love and bitterness.
âYea, I know. I feel like I call too much attention and I dont want to be in a room with people who seem to be unsure about me.
Not seem. Are unsure about me.
My best friend raises his finger to his lips.
âNo, I donât think they are unsure about you. I think they love you. They think you are to yourself, but they donât think anything of it. Youâre a classic child of Centella.â
Centella Ndoki, what Paleros call the âlesser spiritsâ of afro cuban necromancy and to whom I am initiated.Â
The Storm Spirit, Queen of the Dead, the Witch of all Witches.
âWhat are you thinking about?âÂ
I notice his hand is in front of me, again gauging my attention.
I can no longer contain my frustration.
âI donât get any of this and I donât feel like I am learning anything Iâm supposed to. I am mostly there because of you. If it werenât for you, they would not give me, Tania, or Marco the time of day but yet they always âneedâ us. Thatâs not a blame, I just question the validity of all of this and my place within it. I am questioning my place in life, period.â
My demons begin to remind me of how much of a mess I am, how selfish I am to have said what I said and to assume I deserved anything.Â
They continue to tempt me back into my comfortable hatred and anger towards my family which just so happens to be connected to my rage for being born.
I canât even take my own life and end this; because, GodâŚ.
This spiral makes me feel displaced, wrong, and stupid simply for fucking breathing.
I am nothing like them and even when i try to be like them, it still isnât enough.
The fires in me are rising to an uncomfortable peak-
Barnes and noble fades away into the blackhole that is my mind, my thoughts are then swallowed up by silence.
This experience is like witnessing some sort of cosmic food chain.
For a moment, it is just me and my best friend in what feels like a bubble made up of soft clouds.
I turn to look at my best friend.
I wonder if he feels what I feel.
I watch as my best friends pupils dilate.
He inhales, his lips slowly parting.
Curious and concerned, I lean in.
âWhat, whats happening?â
âYou are a lot like CentellaâŚâ
My best friend looks at me as if he is looking past me and at me at the same time.Â
âIt makes sense why She chose you. You are dark, mysterious, hard to put a finger on. People can go crazy and obsessed if they spend too long trying to figure you out. People can feel thisâŚand they are scared because they donât know what it is.
Like you, she is very misunderstood and understood at the same time. Itâs hard to explain.â
He bites his nail briefly, its clear he is deciphering some sort of code or message like he does when he is devouring books.
âMost people canât reach you because most people are not supposed to. They canât until they are ready.â
He turns his head, I am assuming to receive more information.
My disappointment threatening the silence between us.
âYoooooooo.â He gasps as his hands wave with the zeal of a cartoon bird; his body communicates wildly in the ecstasy of revelation.
âYou are like chaos itself. SashaâŚYou have no idea what is coming for you. You have no idea who you really are. SashaâŚ
You have to get to know Centella better. Forget about our godparents, this is where She wants you. Shewants to teach you Herself. You are right to stay to yourself. Keep doing what you are doing, let hershow you.â
We hold each others gaze for a moment, though his looks more dazed and mine confused.
âSasha, its so beautiful.â
He looks away, clearly still ruminating on what he had seen.
Time slows down some more before it seems to snap back in place.Â
My best friend resumes his study while I stare at my cake like The Oracle would jump out and tell me what just happened in this matrix.
I donât feel beautiful.
Maybe, he was just trying to make me feel better. He is my best friend.
I cut into my cake with my fork curious and secretly grateful that I had something else to engage my mind with.
I canât deny that something about what he said feels true.
I canât put my finger on it.
I just know itâs important.
One day, I will remember.
-Original story experienced in 2012