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catholic angel thoughts:

angel is someone with extreme cognitive abilities that no other person has, she can see into other’s minds. kinda like… a god

she sees herself that way. i think she has this really detached grandiose sense of self that comes from a lifetime of mindreading (whereas i think it still greatly affects the mental health of but influences the personality less of a character that acquired mind reading later, like edward cullen). both types change the way you interface with people and the world, but being born that way changes the way you interface with yourself

i think angel lacks empathy for other humans, and favors animals and objects. and i think she sees herself as “more” than other humans. like she is the main character of earth and the world is happening to her

for this reason, i don’t think she can participate in religion in anyway close to normal

i see angel as a sensory seeking character. she’s seeking power, seeking happiness, seeking normalcy, seeking understanding. she finds herself in a perpetual state of searching for what will make her whole or happy the way all stupid, sheeplike humans are. she is all powerful, the master of the universe, but she is alone. and nobody will ever understand her. so she seeks, and seeks. and never finds anything

i see a lot of things as part of this seeking, particularly identity creation

if you have no sense of “wholeness” despite complete power, you might try to emulate those beings you see as “whole”— meaning, i think angel plays human. one year she goes to college, buzzes her hair, goes mute, and only wears overalls. this creation gives her comfort, gives her a character to rest inside in absence of a formed self. one year she wears her hair over her face and never leaves her bedroom and punches herself in the stomach once an hour as a reminder that she is being punished. one year she gets a job at a law firm and wears pantsuits and flirts with the young attorney and leaves dead animals on the hood of his car. i see catholicism as another effort towards wholeness on angel’s part

she thinks this will be the one that sticks. she gets hired as an organist at the local catholic church, she converts, goes all in, becomes the perfect catholic young woman with curled hair and a modest dress and a god fearing attitude with reverence towards male authority figures. every character she plays becomes more desperate. she needs this one to work. she hears the thoughts of people seeing through her, judging her, not knowing she is a god more real than the one they worship. she hates them. she knows she needs to love. she deludes herself. it’s a form of self punishment in its own way. forcing your too big body into a too small mold and losing all hope and safety when it snaps and you fall through the air

i think catholic would be one of her favorite play pretend games, and she would get really good at it until she did something so terrible she could never return, then have an ego death which bears a new identity for her to assume, for her to use to try to achieve humanity