aeiou

if you’re gonna be miserable and sad at least do it while you’re looking at some beautiful trees and the sun is warming your back etc etc #enjoyyoursummer

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

we’re so lucky that gilgamesh survived and is a banger. can you imagine if we found the oldest written human story ever recorded and it sucked balls.

Everyone makes fun of the millennial overpriced burger restaurants but the worst part is that they got you hooked on some bullshit and promptly shut down because their polycule broke up or whatever. You’ll never get to eat the caramelized onion apple parmesan sex bomb burger again. And it was $23 and good.

The Cajun Herbes de Provence fries were like $17 but what’s worse is you’ll be craving them for the rest of your life.

A WASP FLEW INTO MY MOUTH! And I was so brave about it! I couldn't panic because I am allergic and would have died literally. So I just exhaled really strongly and blew it right back out again! To anyone nearby it probably looked like I simply exhale live wasps. Like that's a thing I can just do. There's that.

Afterward I glanced to my partner who was like, "what the fuck?" And then I nonchalantly reminded them of all of the places I keep epi pens.

I can still feel all of its flailing legs in my mouth. Cannot recommend. You'd think the wings of a live wasp, in your mouth, would be the worst part but you'd be wrong. It's the legs.

What if this is my villain origin story? What if I wake up with wasp powers like Michelle Pfeiffer in the Batman movie? 🐈‍⬛

It was probably also a terrible experience for the wasp

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself