In writing this, I know I am hardly the first feminist to point out the injustice of expecting women to be kinder than men. It is not even the case that any criticism of kindness as a gender norm has become unfashionable due to the rise of JustBeKindism. Right now, we see feminist books with titles such as Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger, Women Don't Owe You Pretty, Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women's Anger, On Our Best Behaviour: The Price Women Pay to Be Good and, as mentioned earlier, Down Girl. We see plentiful analyses of the way in which female socialisation functions to limit female entitlement to resources, and of the way in which certain behaviours – crying, complaining, the expression of anger, the withholding of care – are understood differently in women. These sit alongside nominally gender-neutral injunctions that everyone become more compassionate, empathetic and inclusive. Of course, defending a woman's right to express rage in the face of injustice is not necessarily at odds with expecting her to show basic human kindness. However, there is a tension in 'progressive' politics and it is one that seems to me insufficiently acknowledged. JustBeKindism feminism encourages a woman to express her feelings, set boundaries and say no to some people, in some situations, but as soon as her needs – for attention, for sex, for babies, for language, for spaces – run up against those of other members of the 'progressive' group she may be shoved straight back into the 'be kind' box. At the same time, the earlier encouragement provides an alibi for those doing the shoving. 'Look,' they might tell her, 'you are allowed to be angry, bold and self-interested – here are all the books we have written saying so! All the T-shirts and tote bags affirming our belief that well-behaved women seldom make history! Just don't be angry about this, just not towards them, just not right now.'
To be fair, the JustBeKindists have a point. It could all be straightforward. Were it not for the inconvenient realities of female personhood, female emotions and female embodied experiences, certain 'rights' could indeed not be 'pie'. And what if kindness could be construed as women teaching themselves not to care about such realities at all? What if they could do so for the greater good, a good which includes – somehow, if you squint a bit – bringing down the patriarchy?
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