This Is My Last Post
Howdy y'all.
2024 is coming to a end and I've been doing some major thinking of how I want to go forward into 2025. What I want to change online and off.
I've come to the conclusion to leave social media for a good while. Maybe a few more months, maybe a year or more.
This wasn't an easy decision, but I think, in the end, it's what I need.
I will not delete this blog; instead I've privated nearly every post and all my sideblogs have been made private. But this blog will be considered dead.
I do plan to, hopefully, come back to Tumblr at some point.
Hell, I already made my new blog, which I will leave alone until I'm ready to return. Mutuals and long-time followers can ask for it via DMs. I'll probably log in to this blog up until New Year's Day, checking and reblogging this, but after that I am not planning to log in unless I feel like I have to.
I appreciate so, so many of you, especially the support given when I still lived in WA with my family, and how people worked together to help me leave.
Wishing you all a safe New Year's.
Thank you, and goodbye.
Alright, this is it.
No more reblogs, no more posts.
I'll eventually work on refollowing some blogs on my new, so if you get a new one it might be me.
Again, thank you again for the good years I've had on here. I've met so many wonderful people and I don't think I would've survived living in WA without Tumblr.
But it's time for me to let go of this blog; there's a lot of trauma in here, mistakes, anger, things I regret, things I have changed a lot from. Looking at it kinda just makes me ill.
This honestly has been a long time coming, probably since 2021. A lot changed for me that year.
I no longer have to rely on the internet for social interaction. But I don't want you to think it's all bad.
I play DnD nearly every Friday. I have friends that swap Christmas gifts with me, people who want to get me things. I got my first (and second) tattoo this year. I gained and lost my dissociative specialist, but now am working with a new therapist who has some experience with DID. I went to my first ever music festival and saw Evanescence live.
I go to my friends' parties and drink and get stoned and laugh and get destroyed at Mario Cart. I get picked up and taken out to go grab lunch or dinner while playing Pokemon Go. They tell me that they love me and tell me that befriending me was one of the best things in their lives.
I'm trying to believe it.
But I can't say that I'm suddenly super happy; I'm still severely depressed, traumatized, and my body is getting worse and worse to the point I need a mobility aid. I have lost my peripheral vision. A suicide attempt in late January just to lose family two days later. Multiple animal deaths, scares with health, etc. There's still a lot of hard things.
But the only way forward is to allow myself to let go some of the past and reach towards my future.
I've hurt people I really care about because I was, and still am, so afraid to let go of who and what I have. I unintentionally hurt people because of my own ignorance of how I speak, or how I interact, doesn't come out like I mean.
I can know I care about someone, and show it in the way that I register as caring, but that doesn't mean a goddamned thing if the person I care about isn't feeling it because of my own blindspots on how I speak. Liking someone, telling people about them in positive ways, none of that matters when you fail to speak and respond to the people you care about.
I've failed at that multiple times. I'm bad at it, and that's on me.
People shouldn't have to worry that I don't like them, or that I'm being malicious, because I messed up, because I don't read things that same way and how I speak, while in my head is me being receptive, doesn't come across.
I don't want to be that person anymore. I need to stop hiding and fucking change my life. To stop allowing myself to drown because it's familiar, just to grasp onto others as a life preserver while failing to give back the same energy.
It's not fair to me, but more importantly, it's not fair to the people around me. It's much easier to misspeak, fail to get my point and meaning across, or being misunderstood when it comes to texting. I've gotten better at in irl, but online? I don't think I have. There's so many people on here that I just stopped talking to.
Not out of malice, not because I disliked them, but because I have just lost all motivation online. It's a chore. I have felt myself closing off more and more when it comes to interactions online.
Part of it is probably because I finally have a life outside of it, and the other part is me getting in my own way; shooting myself in the foot.
I will change. I don't know how long it'll take, but I will change.
But I have no interest in dragging people into my crap anymore. It wasn't kind. It was never kind.
For those who I have leaned on, from when I lived in WA to now, I'm sorry I never gave you same energy back. I didn't show that I cared well. It was unkind, selfish, and ultimately my own damn fault for allowing myself to dig this hole deeper and deeper just to start shoveling the dirt beneath others feet.
You deserved better, and for that, I'm am sorry.
I can't undo what has been done, but I can change moving forward.
I hope, the day I do come back on my new blog, I will show it. Be the person I know I can be. Be the person I will be.
If anyone wishes to follow me to my new blog, which I'll rarely interact with for a while, I'll be logged on here for a few more hours. Afterwards, you can contact @iced-blood.
Love y'all. Stay safe. Thanks for the memories.
-Juke
