the immensity of existing things

“All of a sudden it seemed to me as though I, the solitary one, had been forsaken by the whole world, and that the whole world would have nothing to do with me.”

“I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.”

“I was tired of asking myself questions. The words came to pieces in my mind: love, understanding, disagreement—they were noises, devoid of meaning. Had they ever had any?”

“There is such terrible vacancy in my thoughts lately. It is not a lack of feeling. It is something darker, it is something else. There is pure vacancy in there, do you understand? It is pure. And I am scared.”

“Because the world is so full of death and horror, I try again and again to console my heart and pick the flowers that grow in the midst of hell.”