im a trash can, not trash can't.

It’s been tough in 2015 for me and for a lot of people around me.

I have grown a lot and my hate for myself grew as well. 

I start seeing things that I have never noticed and I really hate myself for it. Because of internship, I was basically pressed and kneaded around to form what I am today and honestly, I don’t like it. 

I have grown to be afraid of myself. I have grown to fear the skin I live in. People around me this year made me afraid to embrace this new side of me that I have found.

Although internship has taught me so much about the arts scene in Singapore, it has taught me the really ugly side of it and honestly, it did really impact me a lot. 

My anxiety had gone worse. Even just sitting on the train gives me anxiety because I feel like people are constantly staring and cursing at me. I have never felt so suicidal ever since 2012. 

I thought that I would feel better after my internship ended but no, final year project had to just wreck through my life. 

I have never felt so unmotivated and demoralized before. It’s mean and wrong to say this but, because of one team member, I hate myself so so much. This single person is by far the hardest person I have ever worked with. I have so many battles with myself that I am still fighting and all of a sudden, I have another person’s battles to fight as well. 

I feel so suffocated. 

Although this year may seem like it’s filled with bad things, I found some great things. 

I may hate myself now, but I’m finding way to love the little things. My eyelashes are nice, that’s one. I’m still able to see, breathe, feel, talk and laugh. That’s a few more. I’m still alive. That’s great. 

I have also found great friends and filtered out the bad people in my life. 

I brought an ice cream cake for my birthday and I ate it myself. That’s nice. 

2015 has been kinda bad so, 2016, please be nice. I really need 2016 to be nice.