The G-Notes: On the set

PJ: Okay, I got this now. Do not say anything. You are Legolas. You are Bard. Am I correct?

[Silence]

PJ: You are allowed to answer the question, boys. So you are Legolas to my right?

Legolas: Yes.

PJ: And you are Bard to my left?

Bard: Yes.

PJ: And neither one of you are related to Kíli and Fíli, is this correct?

Legolas: Yes. It’s not in the book.

Bard: Don’t tell that to dad. He loves his kids.

Legolas: I know, B. Remember what he got our sister on her birthday?

PJ: What sister?

Bard: Tauriel.

Legolas: I haven’t seen her today.

Bard: Watching our little brothers, Kíli and Fíli.

PJ: I need to have a word with Lee.

Tauriel: Hey, Dad? I hear the strange guy that tells us what to do is looking for you.

Bifur: Hey, Kiddies? Ever want to know how we got this gig?

Dwalin: Shut up, Bifur. Don’t tell them.

Thorin: Well, if you really want to know…

Dwalin: Shut up, Thorin.

Thorin: Tell them how Thranduil got this job, Bifur.

Dwalin: Oh, no…

PJ: So, how’s everyone today?

[Giggle]

PJ: Kíli, what’s so funny?

Kíli: Fíli.

Fíli: Bofur.

Bofur: Bifur.

Bifur: Dwalin.

Dwalin: Bilbo.

Bilbo: Glóin.

Glóin: Ori.

Ori: Bombur.

Bombur: Peter.

PJ: What?

[Giggle]

PJ: You look brilliant. Incredible. I love this shot.

Thorin: Thank you. See, Kíli?

Kíli: See what?

Fíli: I need to go to the little dwarves’ room.

Bilbo: Why didn’t you go before we left?

Dori: Because Thorin was busy looking at himself.

Dwalin: As always.

Thorin: I was not in there that long.

Bifur: I had to use the Elves’ room.

Bombur: I had to use the director’s room.

PJ: You were in my trailer?

Bilbo: So were Kíli and Fíli.

Fíli: Yesterday.

Kíli: You’re the director?

Thorin: Why do you look so much like me?

Bilbo: Their mother is your sister.

Bofur: Now hold on. Kíli, let me tell you about the birds and the bees.

Kíli: What does Radagast have to do with this?

Bard: How was lunch with Dad?

Legolas: It was good. You know how he is though.

[CUT]

PJ: You just had lunch with your Dad? Why didn’t I know about this?

Legolas: I didn’t tell you.

PJ: Why didn’t your brother go with you?

Bard: I was with Thorin.

PJ: Can we get to the bottom of this once and for all? Where is your father?

Legolas: Where he always is.

Bard: Doing what he always does.

Lindir: We are just being silly. Really, everyone gets along here all the time. We are one big happy family.

Elrond: That’s what it is like on the set. Even Thorin and Thranduil get along famously.

Thorin: I get along with who? Since when?

[ADVERTISEMENT]*

Thranduil: Okay, I have something I need to sell on Letgo. I have made arrangements to do it, but I wanted you to see the post first, you know. Get an opinion.

“Large, chatty fire-breathing lizard for sale. He sleeps a lot and takes up a lot of room. Likes gold. Goes by Smaug or Sherlock.”

Smaug/Sherlock: Oh, he’s good. Almost too good.

Fíli: Isn’t it time to “let go”?

Kíli: Let go of what?

Fíli: I don’t know. I’m just reading the cue card.

Kíli: What’s a “Q-card”?

Thorin: Okay, PJ. You know Fíli and Kíli are mine right?

PJ: No.

Thorin: Of course you do. You are not about to give my mountain to Thranduil are you?

PJ: Really, Thorin. I know better than that. Everyone one knows he has to get past Smaug.

Bilbo: Smaug ran out on an errand. In the UK for some reason. I have no idea why.

PJ: You get the mountain, Thranduil. You are rather frightening.

Thranduil: I am not frightening. I am your worse nightmare. Give me the mountain and I shall let you live.

PJ: No, problem.

Bard: Thranduil just got an entire mountain as a dressing room. Good thing I’m on his good side.

Thranduil: Okay, first of all, yes, I am taller than everyone here and I don’t care. Secondly, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. I would have said no. Thirdly, I am just wonderful to look at which is why I am here. I want a larger mirror in my dressing room which I would like moved to a special place on the lot, if you will.

Kíli: Mom called. She wants to know why me and Fíli were adopted by Thranduil.

Thorin: Kíli, we live in Middle Earth. We do not have phones.

Fíli: I do.

Thorin: Fíli, quiet, I’m talking to Kíli. Your mother didn’t call.

Kíli: She said she wants you to get us back from Thranduil now. Then she told me to tell Balin and Dwalin she said hello.

Fíli: She also said she liked Bard and Legolas and invited them to dinner. Legolas thought it was a good idea.

Thorin: She did not say that.

Kíli: Did so. Just ask Dad.

Thorin: Dad?

Fíli: Let’s do this, Brother.

Kíli: Ready.

Kíli: We bad…we bad..

Fíli: We got this, people. We make this look good.

Dwalin: It’s like dealing with two miniature versions of Bard and Legolas.

Thorin: Oh, Did Thranduil have two MORE sons?

PJ: Okay, where did your brothers go?

Legolas: What brothers?

Bard: We don’t have any brothers.

PJ: Thorin says you do. He’s the only one that tells me anything.

Legolas: What are you talking about?

Bard: We talk to you about everything. You’re the director.

PJ: Oh, good of you to notice. Where are Lee’s two other kids?

Legolas: You mean Fíli and Kíli?

Bard: They are part of Thorin’s Company. They’re his nephews.

PJ: But they look like you so it is probably a safe bet to assume they’re your little twin brothers and I need to find Lee so I can get all four of you under control.

PJ (O.S.): So, you have four sons running around on the set. I am glad I finally found you. Now, are the two older boys of age? If so, that is fine, you need to sign releases for the two younger ones. So that is Fíli and Kíli, the younger two and the older ones are Bard and Legolas?

Thranduil: (I am going to get Thorin for this). Yes, Peter.

Smaug: We finally got the elf…

Fíli: Thranduil is going to get them back.

The guy in the red shirt is talking.

Thorin: I told you he was a dwarf, Gandalf.

Gandalf: You said Hobbit, Thorin.

PJ: Look, can we take a moment and stop with these horrible puns from the films and the books no one is going to understand?

Legolas: I suppose so. All the good ones “aragorn” anyway.

Bard: He’s right. One does not simply find good puns anymore.

Legolas: I had a “precious” one the other day but I lost it “unexpectedly”.

Bard: I know what you’re “tolkien” about, Man. The “Lord of the Rings” stole mine right from under the “mountain”. I was so “lonely” without it.

PJ: Where is their father? These kids are driving me crazy!

Legolas: Oh, Lee?

Bard: He’s over there. Pacing. Just like Dad to be “dragon” his feet.

Legolas: You know, he just left two defenseless kids alone once while taking us to “Isengard”-en.

[Stand very still].

Bard: Let me guess. A stare down?

Lindir: We have no idea what their doing. We don’t have a pun for everything. Though, they might just be standing around each other.

Elrond: It looks like Thorin is standing up to Thranduil.

Lindir: Or Thranduil is looking down on him.

Elrond: Yeah, he is pretty tall. That was a good one.

Kíli: Yes. That is all elves do around here. Just stand around cracking jokes at us poor defenseless dwarves.

Fíli: You can help us. For only 19 cents a day, you can keep me and Kíli away from elven cruelty. Help save a defenseless dwarf today.

Thranduil: You are going to stand here and tell me that a tall wizard dressed in grey named Gandalf just left you to wander through the borders of my kingdom alone? I should have you thrown in my dungeon for saying that! How stupid do you think I am? What sort of wizard starts a journey and then just happens to wander away for no reason whatsoever without saying where he is going? 

What sort of wizard just continuously disappears at the exact moment when trouble is about to begin then magically returns at the last minute to save you? And he has giant eagles that come at his command? Why did he not just fly you over Mirkwood to begin with? Tell me, Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin and I might let you leave! Who is this wandering wizard named Gandalf of which you speak?

Fíli: Hey, Kili, remember when Gandalf left us after the fight with Uncle?

Kíli: Yeah.

Fíli: I wonder where he went.

Kíli: Don’t know. To think?

Thorin: I am the King of the Mountain. You don’t get any more majestic than me. I make this look so awesome.

Thranduil: Okay, Your Majesty. You couldn’t even get out from under my mountain without an invisible burglar that flips off the camera every chance he gets. Explain that one, oh, Majestic one.

Glóin: [What the heck is with our burglar?]

Gandalf: He got you there, Thorin.