Ironically Jesus

OMFG

i dropped my monster space condom for my magnum astro dong

“WAIT A MINUTE….”

why would you ever idolize cops when firefighters exist

yeah seriously have you ever heard of “corrupt firefighter” 

what would a ‘corrupt firefighter’ even be. he put out that fire with a little TOO much water. he was a little rough with the cat he rescued from a tree for a little old lady

how on earth do you possibly fuck up that bad

we all know capitalism is fucking evil but one of my favorite stories to tell from Retail Hell is that time my district manager got annoyed that 2 poor people were taking food out of the dumpster occasionally so he told us all to start pouring bleach over all the items we threw out so people couldn’t use them/it would hurt them if they touched it directly. never did that and absolutely have participated in “employee theft” by stealing bags of food from the dumpsters to donate to the local food bank but like. he really did just want us to directly harm people over food that was already in the literal trash.

when managers and CEOs get up in arms about “employee theft” they’re actually talking about people like me who don’t throw out the 30 pairs of shoes that we weren’t able to sell and instead bag them up and throw them behind the dumpster for retrieval/donation later. I once took home $450 of food and another night got $500 worth of makeup. Perfectly good electronics get thrown away bc the packaging was tampered with. We throw away food, cosmetics, and household products 30-60 days before their expiration dates (which are also kinda bullshit anyway). The whole retail model is structured around this idea of massive waste. 

Bada bing

Babadook

I need to see some size reference

small

Once my friend Henry was accused of wearing wireless headphones by a substitute so she said for him to hand them over so he took them off and handed them to her. Then later on she asked him a question and he didn’t respond so she said it louder and he still didn’t respond. She asked why he was not responding and he said “I can’t understand you ma'am, you took my hearing aids.”

HOLY SHIT

I need a new tattoo, an orgasm, and a good nights sleep.

“And I put on weight. Big f–ing deal” is gonna be my new mantra

Wentworth Miller is really good