I'm EllieâEldritch is long for Ellie. I was born in 1991. I'm nonbinary and go by she or they pronouns. I'm a panromantic asexual, and married to another panromantic asexual*. I'm a full-time wheelchair user due to being debilitatingly chronically ill. I'm neurodivergent (evidenced by the paragraphs instead of bullet points, I guess). I curseâa lot. I'm white: German-Irish-American. Think that's all you should know about me specifically.
This blog is mostly just a ton of random shit: fandom**; nature; shitposts; and ramblingâboth original posts and in the tags of things. See below the cut for a ton of probably unnecessary About info, and also info for specific tags, my icon, and header.
I will not be reblogging many political posts or anything similar, but my philosophy is basically just be a good fucking person, don't be a bootlicker, and take care of the people and planet around you.
If it's inconsequential, I probably don't have an opinion on it, and actively strive to not get overwhelmed with having opinions on things that don't matter or that which I have no influence on***.
Tags
I try to tag all fandom things with their respective tags, and I also try to tag individual characters if that's a thing for that specific fandom. If there's a known trigger or content warning that I think is important, I try to do those, but if you need anything tagged and it's a reasonable request, just send me a message.
Personal posts will be tagged #from the desk of e.m. fledermaus. I have a daily post thing I do in October with my wife called BattyCake Halloween, and also the same tag but with the current year at the end for archive purposes. Posts about movies I'm watching with my wife are tagged #the bats go to the (home) cinema.
My personal tag for liveblogging and rambling about Emmerdale is #the bat watches emmerdale, even when it's just rambles about the characters or brainrot or whatever in order to keep it all organized (I might be changing this though because it's just gone nuts). To specifically find liveblogs for pre-2020s Robron you want #watches classic robrondale more like, and pre Robert coming back in 2014 is #watches classic aarondale more like. For music that triggers the Robron brainrot look at #the bat's mental robron amv/edit playlist (whenever a song is particularly eating at me I post it there). Whenever I go especially nuts in the tags of a reblogged post I use #anyway. wow. I think I've gone insane. ~soz~. (no I'm not).
All sports posting can be found under ebsn. General sports posting is here. Hockey specific posts are here. Football**** specific posts are here. World Cup specific posts are here. If I get anything else, I'll add it to the list here.
Icon and banner
Icon is via this picrew with a background of a color-changed wallpaper from ParaNorman. Banner is from Hellboy in Hell Volume 1: The Descent, the art directly before Chapter One.
That ought to cover it. Thanks, and enjoy your stay. (Consider checking out my bookish Tumblr)
Footnotes*****
*I'm insufferable about her, mostly in the tags of posts. I try not to refer to her by name in order to maintain some semblance of anonymityâeven though our faces are on here; think of it as Death Note rulesâso I refer to her as Cakewife. There's lore there I'd love to share if anyone were ever curious.
**Fandoms vary drastically. I don't post/reblog any specific stuff predictably other than Discworld, Tolkien, Skyrim, Hellboy, Peanuts/Snoopy, and Emmerdale, at least at the moment. You'll see Star Wars, Doctor Who, and various video games crop up from time to time, but it's not super regular. Sports posting is dependent on seasonsâhockey season is September to June; football season is basically all year, but I gotta ease myself back into it.
*****I'm a Discworld fan, of course there're footnotes.
***I don't really discourse. I actively try to avoid discourse. Most the discourse you see on this hellsite is completely fucking stupid and inconsequential and I just...do not have the energy for stupidity, honestly. I'm too fucking old and too fucking ill for it.
****I'm American, but most of the soccer I'm going to be watching and commentating on will be European, so I feel it's only respectful to use the proper term for it instead of calling it soccer. No promises I won't slip up, though.
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âmy father is a boy and my mother is a girl so iâm mixedâ is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6â5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat
Welp. It wasn't the final I wanted, I wanted Norway to go all the way, but the last two days have seen amazing matches so I'll take it. This has all been incredibly fun, I've enjoyed it immensely, and it feels fitting that getting Cakewife into the World Cup is the gateway that leads to letting myself enjoy football again. It feels good. It feels really good. I'm genuinely excited to get caught up on the farm soap now, though.
I've been trying to sit with things while I've not been watching, really make sure I want to keep up with it, that I actually care about the characters and what happens with them still or whether that was all brought on by intense hyperfixation due to the immense stress of life and needing an escape from it, and I had a moment last night where I got really, like... "let's gooo!" about it, knowing today was the final which means my usual watch days will be back on the schedule, so I feel good about that, too.
There's sooo much negativity going around right now (and for good reason, I won't deny that) that it made me kind of question everything, but I think that bit of excitement about it was the only sign I needed to know how I feel about it. I just...don't know how to not have hope đ It's all nothingburgers lately, and I know that, but from what I've seen of the crumbs they're still worth seeing, so I'm here for it. I also know I'm a little less critical, even though I can see what other people are talking about and why they feel that way, so that helps.
Listen. I've said it before and it'll always be something I come back to, but I've never given up on the Pittsburgh Penguins, even though they've been disappointing me for years and yearsâeven when I was barely following hockey they were the only team I paid attention to; I'm not liable to give up on the farm soapâwhich contains one of the comfort characters of all time, I might addâunless something super egregious happens.
Anyway! I enjoyed my little football break, but I'm looking forward to getting back into it. Looking forward to what's to come!
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Alright. We all know (or if you didn't, now you do) that John was running to Psychosocial by Slipknot back when he was first in the village. Okay. So we can probably say that he listened to them regularly. The Devil in I came on almost a week ago when I was driving and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it in the context of someone using it for a John-involved fic. I don't even read fanfiction hardly at all and I could see it working for someone. So. I'm putting it into the universe. Do with it what you will.
Gifts from my wife from work. She was having fun with the laminator so made me a new bookmark, and the Ted Lasso book was a donation that the staff get first dibs on.
The two sides of the bookmark being such different vibes really cracks me up. Giyu and Hellboy one side, Robron the other. I had absolutely no idea why she asked for some of my favorite Robron pictures, but I think it ended up working nicely that I gave her the ones I did!!!
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The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin. They both looked down at the crumpled shape of the Overlord, His Unholy Majesty, in his obsidian armor.
His final spasms had been mesmerizingly acrobatic. The fall down the steps leading up to his iron throne had pretzelled his body quite impressively, both arms folded behind his back and one leg bent at a jaunty angle.
The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin.
"Shit," said the goblin.
"Shit," said the orc.
"We're likely to get blamed for this," the goblin said. She walked over to the head of the glittering mangled heap and started pulling the helmet off.
"It's not our fault," the orc said. "It's hard to help someone choking when they wear two-hundred pounds of spiked armor at all times."
"Yeah, well," the goblin grunted. The helmet came free, and the bald head of the Overlord bounced on the stone with a hollow, coconut noise. "You know how it is in this bloody country - thieves get their heads cut off so they can't think about thieving, and all that." She fished in the Overlord's mouth with a finger and pulled out the obstructing olive on the end of her claw.
She popped it into her mouth and chewed. "What do you reckon they do for a regicide?" she said.
"We should run," the orc said. She had started bouncing her leg. "I hear that there's some places in the Alliance where they just kill you and let you stay dead. That's got to be nicer than what'll happen if we stay here."
The goblin started to nod - and then her gaze fell on the helmet.
It looked like a pineapple designed by a deranged blacksmith. It was all thorns and spikes and hard edges, as though the maker had been very determined to not let pigeons roost on it. The only bits that weren't solid iron were eyeholes. Nobody had ever seen the Overlord's face.
She held up the helmet and squinted from it to the orc. One of the thorns had been bent badly in the fall.
Nobody had ever seen the Overlord's face...
"Right," she muttered. "Right. Could work - or."
The orc had a sudden vision of the immediate future. "No," she said.
"I mean you're about his height-"
"No."
"It would just be for a-"
"Absolutely not."
"Just hear me out," the goblin said. "Outside of this room are two-thousand men and orcs and goblins who are absolutely gonzo about this man, and there's a whole country of them outside of the castle, and at any moment someone's going to walk in that door and see one dead tit in black armor and two unbelievably dead idiots next to him.
"Or." She tossed the helmet up like a basketball to the orc, who fumbled and tried to find somewhere to hold it that wasn't a knife's edge. "We chuck him out the window now, walk out the door in the armor, and ditch the armor as soon as nobody sees us."
The orc had started bouncing her leg again. "They'll know something's up the second I walk out of the room."
"No worries," said the goblin. "Leave that to me."
---
It had been a very strange year for the Empire.
Change had rolled across the land as slow and inevitable as a glacier. Roads and bridges carved the gray, blasted wildlands, and a number of social reforms had made the country a place where you could be miserable, yes, but miserable in comfort and safety, and that was an improvement.
Barely anyone got boiled alive in molten metal, and even if the disgusted sun never rose to light the Empire, at least you had a roof over your head to protect yourself from the acid rain.
"Your empire flourishes, Your Unholy Majesty," the magician said over her wine glass. She looked down from the tower's balcony over the gleaming stone battlements. Some work had been done to line the castle and surrounding city with sizzling, crackling alchemical lights at night. The whole thing glowed like something dangerously radioactive.
The suit of armor waved a languid, glittering gauntlet over to the goblin, who bowed.
"His Abominable Gloriousness Thanks You," the goblin recited. "The Prosperity Of His Empire Can Only Be Achieved Through The Prosperity Of His People."
"If I may be so bold, I am quite pleased that you had chosen to take my counsel under consideration," said the magician. "We have accomplished many things together."
Another wave. Another bow. "The Overlord, May His Presence Swallow The Sun And Stars, Thanks You As Well."
"It was quite gratifying to see you change your mind, after so many centuries of denial." The wine was swirled. "Tell me, what was it that finally gave you cause to listen to me?"
There was the slightest hesitation. The goblin's eyes flicked to the armor, then to the magician. She puffed out her chest. "Do you question the wisdom of His Austere Lugubriousness?" she asked.
The magician looked at the goblin. She looked at the armor. She tipped her head back and drank the wine too quickly.
She looked back at the armor. "I know you're the orc, you moron," she said.
The room went deathly still. An alchemical light fizzled.
The orc pulled off the helmet, sending long, untied hair down tangling, and said: "How could you possibly-"
"Because you're both idiots!" the magician said. The goblin jumped. The orc jumped with a noise like a dropped stove. "What kind of a plan was this?! If it wasn't for me, you would have been turned into fertilizer months ago."
She closed her eyes. She took a long, dramatic breath. She set the wine glass down on the balcony rail.
"How did the Overlord die?" she asked when she seemed like she had gotten a hold over herself.
"Choked on an olive," said the goblin.
"Threw his body out the window," said the orc.
"You don't have to mention the window," said the goblin.
"Right," said the orc. "Sorry."
The magician looked out over the city, hand curled thoughtfully under her nose. "Who knows about this?"
"Just us. And, uh. You. Apparently."
"And why did you accept my counsel?"
The orc blinked. "Sorry?"
"Why did you accept my counsel?" the magician repeated.
"Well," the orc said. "Well - you seemed like you had good ideas-"
"Great ideas!" the goblin said with an edge of desperation. "Don't know why the old bastard didn't listen to you!"
"Right - right," said the orc. "And when we figured we were stuck doing this - well, it just made sense, really."
The magician seemed to absorb this. She nodded. "All right," she said, striding between the two and grabbing the crystal decanter.
"Um," said the orc. "Sorry. What happens now?"
"What happens is that you two will continue to serve as Overlord," said the magician. "You will continue to take my counsel. We will continue to reform this bloody country, and gods willing, we will turn it into the crown jewel of the world by next Midwinter."
The orc looked at the goblin. The goblin looked at the orc.
"Really?" the goblin asked.
"Oh yes," said the magician. "I've worked hard to be counsel to the Overlord, and I have no reason to stop now. And besides-"
She looked the orc up and down with a deliberate slowness, poring over every microscopic detail, eyes tracing over every jagged line, and grinned like a panther.
"You look much better in the armor than he ever did," she said. Dark robes swirled like a becleavaged thundercloud, and she strode out through the high iron doors, decanter in hand.
The goblin looked at the orc. The orc looked at the goblin.
I really donât want to open this can of worms because Tumblr hath no fury like people called out on their political performativeness but it is literally driving me up the wall to watch people react to Serkisâ âkeep Tolkien whiteâ commentary by insisting twice as hard that Tolkien would descend down to earth and dropkick the entire Republican party to hell or whatever, just because they want to ensure that a piece of media they enjoy isnât seen as being morally impure. Case in point: I have seen at least five instances of Tolkienâs âI hate apartheidâ valedictorian address being used as a âcounterâ to Serkis being racist, including by actual news outlets.
Except itâs only ever the âI hate apartheidâ line thatâs shared, and not the actual quote in its full context. Because here it is:
If we consider what Merton College and what the Oxford School of English owes to the Antipodes, to the Southern Hemisphere, especially to scholars born in Australia and New Zealand, it may well be felt that it is only just that one of them should now ascend an Oxford chair of English. Indeed it may be thought that justice has been delayed since 1925. There are of course other lands under the Southern Cross. I was born in one; though I do not claim to be the most learned of those who have come hither from the far end of the Dark Continent. But I have the hatred of apartheid in my bones; and most of all I detest the segregation or separation of Language and Literature. I do not care which of them you think White.
Which is to say. This isnât exactly the antiracist quote of the century, to say the least. This is a white South Africa born man and a white Australian shaking hands and going âomg we relateâ and expressing what is a very, very mild âsegregation is not greatâ opinion in order to convey his thoughts on an academic subject, ie the confluence of language and literature. Using race to make a point about his own subject of interest, in his own interest, which is, amusingly enough, what a lot of ostensibly well meaning progressive seem to be doing.
I also think that some of the general surprise around âwhat do you mean large swathes of the Tolkien fandom are incredibly conservative!?â in lib/left Tolkien fandom is the result of a tendency in said parts of the fandom to transpose oneâs own progressiveness onto Tolkien and turn a blind eye to things like, say, the Shire being a very specifically mid-century British racist construct that is very, very clear in its politics, often going so far as to insist itâs anarchist or an ideal society or whatever the fuck⌠and then getting really Pikachu-meme âbut theyâre misreading itâ every single time a conservative explains exactly what it is about the legendarium that they really love, and get surprised when someone uses the Shire being a racist construct to do more racism. It is 2026 let us do away with âI donât see colourâ interpretations of media, I beg. Nobody is cancelling you for enjoying a book that is not kind to race. Most of the books I love are not kind to race.
I genuinely donât have the energy to go deeper into it now because I and others have been beating this drum for ages but like man. Man. Iâm not surprised by Serkisâ comment. I donât really give a shit about what Andy Serkis says and does because if I was the kind of person who gave a fuck about Andy âI felt like an ethnic minority on the Black Panther setâ âI somehow interpreted Animal Farm in the most ridiculous way possibleâ Serkisâ opinions on anything, let alone race, my life would be much sadder. I think the adaptation will be an enshittified money-grab, and I will probably embrace cannibalism when McDonalds inevitably starts giving out little Gollums with every Happy Meal. Again.
What I am surprised and disappointed by is how the liberal-left reaction to this shit is to always and forever just either pretend it doesnât exist in the text, or is the result of a complete misreading. So seldom is the response âfuck me, this book has some real wild thoughts on race, letâs see how we can engage creatively with that in an adaptationâ. Which has never happened. In fact, all your thoughts on Amazon and lore faithfulness and other adaption criticism or applause aside, TROP, the only Tolkien interpretation that has directly engaged with race has thus far done so very, very badly, and only on a surface level. Why?
Because the loudest parts of liberal Tolkien fandom is not interested in exploring race as it exists in the text, to explore it progressively, to engage creatively with the structural conservatism present within the very construction of Middle Earth. Theyâre interested in concessions that change very little: you can have your brown elves, as long as we donât have to think about the implications of foundational aspects of our beloved world, which we relate to greatly and do not wish to think about why we relate to it beyond our own experience of encountering the text.
No, itâs always either an insistence that the Racists are Wrong because the Text is Pure, or a slight, grudging concession that Tolkien had âa few racist elementsâ but ânothing like the racism of todayâ. Of course itâs nothing like the racism of today. Tolkien isnât writing in 2026. It was the racism of yesterday, and it is very clearly written into the text. Tolkien is not your mildly problematic grandpa. Tolkien was an Oxford don with an enormous, wide-ranging cultural impact, and refusing to acknowledge that is the misreading, not the pointing out of or engagement with structural racism within the text.
There's also a version of this where people cite Tolkien's 1938 letter to the German publisher, ie the one where he refuses to confirm he's of "Aryan" descent and basically tells them to fuck off, as the other canonical "proof text" that Tolkien Was Not Racist, and it does the same flattening as the valedictorian quote. It's a great letter, very âget thee gone from my gateâ but it is also a letter about refusing a specific, legally coded Nazi racial category, not a statement about the internal racial logic of his own fiction.
Nobody is saying Tolkien was a fascist white supremacist Nazi. Hell, Tolkienâs own thoughts on military atrocity in general is pretty clear in the depictions of the escalating kinslayings. But people love to conflate "hated actual fascism, said so on the record and is very evident in his fiction" with "therefore the legendarium contains no racialised hierarchy," as though those two things have to rise or fall together, when they don't. You can be sincerely, personally opposed to Nazi race science and apartheid violence and still write a mythology where moral and aesthetic worth consistently map onto a Northern-European somatic ideal. Because the racialisation Tolkien both inherited and passed on wasn't Nazi race science, it was the broader Edwardian/interwar philological raciology he was actually swimming in, hell, drowning in, considering the Oxford environment. And I find it so, so frustrating how fandom keeps failing to make this distinction: structural racialisation and personal bigotry are not the same axis, and refusing to be measured on one doesn't clear you on the other.
The Southrons/Easterlings material is obviously the part most quoted when it comes to Tolkienâs âproblematic elementsâ except it's imo super telling how rarely it actually gets quoted compared to how often it gets vaguely waved at (except Charles E Mills. I love you Charles E Mills). Anyway âBlack men like half-trolls," swarthy, slant-eyed, riding out of the south and east to serve Sauron⌠itâs the same mapping of good-north/evil-south-and-east you get in a dozen other early-twentieth-century adventure texts. And this imo actually undermines the "it's just medievalism, calm down" defense, because medievalism is a selectively retrospective construction of which past you're claiming and which one you're othering, not some sort of static, neutral historical styling.
Tolkien's medievalism is specifically Northern European heroic-elegiac medievalism, the "Northernness" he talks about loving as a kid, and that aesthetic preference is not extractable from the racial hierarchy it produces on the page. You cannot keep the aesthetic and disclaim the politics because as in all art, the aesthetic is the politics, that's what "structural" means as opposed to "incidentalâ, and I just wish that many extremely clever people who understand this in a contemporary sense would allow themselves to feel uncomfortable and look at it in a beloved text.
Jackson's trilogy didn't invent racialisation in Tolkien, hell I think he even softened some of it because the Scouring is straight up impossible to adapt without it being very clear about its politics, but his adaptation does go quite some way make the existing racism legible⌠casting, costuming, choreography and cinematography does the same racialised sorting the text does, and does it visually: Uruk-hai as a kind of grunting brutalised, brutalistic mass, Haradrim on oliphaunts as a fairly straightforward Orientalist boogeyman, and the Fellowship itself photographed like a Pre-Raphaelite fantasy lmfao. Serkis isn't introducing a new interpretive layer with his commentary, hell Serkis was in all those Jackson films as well! Serkis is being very clear about what aspects of the legendarium matter to him, and that aspect happens to be the whiteness of it all. And I genuinely cannot understand why the huge âscandalâ around his comment is not that someone said the quiet part, but that saying it out loud is what became the scandal, taken as some kind of transgression against Tolkien and all his readers with Good Politicsâ˘ď¸, rather than the quarter-century of adaptations, readings, and analysis of the text that wordlessly encoded the racism and got called faithful and dedicated for it.
I didnât want to go to author is dead territory but. Fandom discourse keeps reaching for authorial intent as the arbiter of textual meaning in exactly the way most of these same people would reject in any other context. Everyone is a massive New Critic the second the author in question is someone they love. But Tolkien doesnât need to have consciously intended a racial hierarchy or a white nationalist mythology for the text to functionally produce one, for it to be so loved by conservatives and ethnonationalists who come fifty years after his time.
Intent is not even a contested position in literary theory, it's just the very basic understanding that "text has ideology independent of authorial intent". The insistence on relitigating Tolkien's personal feelings as though that settles the structural question is wild to me, and I find it so extremely unproductive how liberal fandom reaches for this constantly, repeatedly chanting Tolkienâs few vaguely liberal statements that read far less liberally in context. But I guess the alternative, ie reading the actual construction of race in the legendarium on its own terms, requires giving up the fantasy that the thing you love is politically inert. And itâs just so sad man. Like I fucking love the legendarium, and I think insisting on its moral purity is the worst thing you can do to it.
I think my entire argument can be summed up in a few questions. Why do conservatives keep saying "I love Tolkien" completely unashamedly, in a way they donât realy say about most other âcanonicalâ twentieth-century texts, while we on the left have to perform a whole apologetic dance before we say it? What is it that they embrace about the text, that we have to occlude in order to express an unproblematic âloveâ? Why do we have to disavow parts of a text to claim we love it? Who are we performing to? What are we losing in focusing so hard on this performance?
This is why the Serkis-style comment, or the Rings of Power casting discourse, ends up being the deepest engagement we collectively get in fandom terms. Because both "sides" of that fight are actually shallow in the same way, just from opposite ends. The right-wing backlash to diverse casting is, repulsively, responding to something absolutely present in the text: a defensive crouch around a racial aesthetic it identifies as being under threat. The liberal-left response, the "just add brown elves" gesture, claims the problem to be one of representation and casting rather than structure, which is precisely why the racial elements of The Rings of Power satisfies no one and changes nothing.
You can put actors of colour in NĂşmenor and Harfoot villages and yet the underlying moral framework of who is coded as inherently noble and who as inherently monstrous, whose skin colour the textual narrative uses as a standin for corruption, stays completely untouched. Again, see my TROP link above, with the jihadi-coding of the villains. Because that framework isn't located in the casting of an adaptation, it's located in the construction of Arda itself and physiognomy-as-morality at the level of the prose itself, constantly present throughout the text. Casting a Black actor as an elf doesn't do anything to the fact that "evil race coded as racially other" is still sitting right there in the Southrons and the orcs, unadapted, undiscussed, doing exactly the same work it always did, and this work takes on a new look in post-2001 adaptations.
So what you get is two adaptations of the same tiresome insanemaking discourse rather than two different arguments: the right defends the racial aesthetic as the substance of their love, and the liberal mainstream defends the fantasy that representation-level tweaks constitute engagement with race. And so, nobody actually produces the adaptation that takes seriously what nonwhite Tolkien scholars have been saying for decades, which is that you'd have to touch the orc/Southron/Valar/Valinor/blondeness architecture itself to ever productively have this conversation. Not diversify who plays the good guys, but interrogate why "evil" in this legendarium has a face and a hair colour and points compass east.
But if the talk about this goes on as it does, and continues between Tolkien the Pure versus Tolkien the Misread, there will never be anyone willing to make that adaptation, and weâll go on forever in a sisyphean climb, where both the reactionary embrace and the progressive denial are just two versions of refusing to read the same damn book. Basically, I think we on the left etc need to stop treating "is Tolkien racist" as a yes/no gate you have to clear before you're allowed to enjoy the books, and stop acting like enjoying problematic media makes you a fascist. We need to start treating the racialised architecture within Tolkienâs world as the actual object of study, same way you'd read imperial romance or Forster or Kipling or Haggard, without needing to acquit or convict the author first.
Which means we have to name the conservatism specifically rather than gesturing at "some outdated attitudes," trace where it comes from historically (the philological Northernness Tolkien grew up steeped in, not some special personal failing that reflects badly on you), and then ask what an adaptation would look like which dramatised that rather than smoothing over it or weaponising it. We have to let go of the idea that critical engagement is disloyalty, and let go of the idea that loving something requires defending its honour. We need to get the resilience needed to engage with the idea that a work can be both formative and ideologically compromised at the same time.
We donât need to resolve that tension into either adoring hagiography or totalising cancellation. If we do, we're going to keep getting âkeep the Shire whiteâ Serkis soundbites and âhooray we cast a brown elf in our we-invented-elf-jihadis show!â news cycles standing in for a conversation that hasn't actually started yet, and ngl buddies I have to say I personally will be biting people the next time I see yet another rendition of the same damn response-reaction cycle start again because everyone, both the conservatives and the left, wants the things they love to be a reflection of themselves, and will twist themselves into pretzels to ensure that remains the case.
Brother asked me about something that started the rumination.
There's this...I don't want to say innate, but definitely something close enough, desire in a lot of people to go back to the scenes of past traumas, whether those traumas are committed against others or ourselves specifically. I don't know if it's to prove that we're strong enough or to prove to ourselves that the places existed or what, to prove that there's some evidence that what we speak of is true because it happened right here, but it's definitely A Thing. It's enough of a thing they've made several types of tourism industry out of it.
So what do you do when the place doesn't exist anymore? I don't know. And I've got three such places.
I can stand in the field where the house was, jump a fence that didn't exist back then and walk through tall grass where the gravel road used to be to get to where the house sat, but even the field itself is changedâa two-way paved and well-maintained road now running through it, the creek to the side filled in to protect the new road, the old metal grate bridge that crossed the creek to the paved side road gone, the side road itself gone, houses gone, even the head of the road that lead to the gravel road completely different with a big ass building that didn't used to be there.
I can go illegally traipse through land that's now owned by the city landfill, find my way back to where my house used to sit before it got moved to a new place just by remembering the turns from my runs and the walks I used to take with my family, but even the topography is completely different nowânone of the roads exist, none of the houses, none of the plants or defining features of the neighborhood are there anymore, just Oklahoma red dirt covering miles of garbage.
I could go to the trailer park that still exists, stand in front of the lot where my house got moved to, but there's a different house there nowâmy house was destroyed by a tornado, even destroying my favorite tree that used to be right out front.
I went out there once, to the first place, after I moved back to the East Coast, before the new fence was put in, before I was a full-time wheelchair user, and stood in that field. I wanted to feel closure. I wanted to feel relief. The house was gone, the field (as I knew it) was gone, the creek was gone, so maybe the pain could go, too. Maybe I could be released from the memories that were contained in those walls. But all I felt was loss. Not just the loss of being unable to go back to a place and face the things haunting the halls, not just the loss of time and how it moves on, but the loss of the child I never got to be. The loss of innocence. The loss of that easy childhood happiness, because even though things were terrible for me there, they were so much worse for everyone when we moved on from that field.
The fact that the place we moved on to is now a landfill is a particularly...grim irony, I suppose, given hindsight, knowing that moving there was the beginning of everything turning to absolute hot garbage. And then the last place being destroyed by a tornado? Well. That's oddly fitting, too, considering the way things ended there. The revelations of the traumas visited upon us in that house (whether they happened within those walls or elsewhere) tore through and ripped everything apart, leaving everything scattered and broken and irreparable.
It's weird that we look to buildings for closure, isn't it? I wonder sometimes if I'd gotten to burn those places down if I'd feel free of the weight of them. Fire cleanses, after allâbut how do you burn the memories from your brain?
You know, I love Stephen King, he's one of my favorite authors. He often goes on about places holding energy, that buildings aren't haunted by actual ghosts, they're just...saturated with the energy of the lives that have been lived within them. Like a towel soaking up water. Or a carpet soaking up blood, I guess. But the land must be saturated as well, right? If we're lucky, we don't just live within the walls of our homes.
Standing in that field, I remembered summers playing on the giant hay bales, the massive corn field we planted in the backyard and playing hide and seek in it, the stream that ran down the hill and made a pond right out back that would get tons of peepers that I'd mimic when I couldn't sleep, how it ran on into the creek, how the creek was terrifying in bad storms because it had a history of flooding. I remembered how often we'd hike that hill, how the neighbor's Great Dane would come down the hill with turtles in his mouth, how the cows would break out of their field out back of our place and come be in the front yard, how afraid of the deer I was. How we'd sit on the litter of pine needles on hot summer days because it was so much cooler in that place.
Thinking about the neighborhood being a landfill, I remember the trees I'd climb up and sit in to read all day, picking the mulberries when they were ripe, the miles and miles and miles I trod walking with my family or running on my own or with my dog around that neighborhood, throwing up in this one old guy's yard getting overheated running in the rain and laughing about it because he was an asshole and took such pride in his lawn, remembering this other old man down the road a piece from that one who was a sweetheart and gave us crab apples from the tree he cared for so carefully in his front yard. Remembering the stickers, and thinking now how it's better to have had stickers than to have no plants at all.
I got sick when we moved to the third place, so I don't have as much of a connection to the land there, but I'd lay out on the top of the picnic table in the front yard at night and watch the stars and wish I could just fly away. The pine in front was a source of comfort.
I don't know what the point of this was, if there ever was a point. "You can't go back home", I guess, but a house is not a home, home is where you feel safe and loved and a place where terrible things happened certainly doesn't qualify. There's something in those places being destroyed in some form, though, that really seems...I dunno. Melancholic is all I got. Feels forlorn, maybe. You can destroy the places that are saturated with your memories, but they'll always live inside of you. You just...learn to live with it. You grow around it. And the ghosts haunt you instead of the halls and the land.
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