Whereas I used to laugh in the past, out of cynicism and skepticism, now, I can't help, but, to think that my friend, Doug was/may be right when he so whimsically channels Bob Marley, casually bellowing out phrases like, "One Love" and "Love is the answer". As I grow older and see all of my friends around me getting married, starting a family of their own, and settling down into what is deemed "matrimonial bliss" - one by one, I think to myself: did I miss out on something important? I know that life isn't a race, but, why have I not reached that milestone in my life? Why am I not even anywhere remotely close to that stage in life?
From a systematic, analytical approach, it's best to first understand love. How can we define love? Is love simply the antithesis of hatred? Is love truly the most desirable X-Factor; the one absolute, intricate power in this life that overcomes all adversity and which is capable of curing all ailments and resolving all conflicts (internal or otherwise)? Is it truly the end game/the ultimate reward in life?
Where do I even begin? I could pull a Wong Fu Productions (please refer to the short film up top) and reminisce about and regale you with tales of past love (i.e. people who, at one point in my life, I had fallen completely and madly in love with). Likewise, I could take a look at the people who, at one point in their lives, and for whatever reason, had become enamored by me. Along those lines, it is worthy of note that I've once totally been hit on by a balding, middle-aged, gay man, offering me both his business card and a free "trolley ride" (suffice it to say, I graciously accepted his business card, but, never did take him up on that trolley ride), a transgendered individual who had asked me if I do my nails, and a very drunk girl on a train who bore an uncanny resemblance to Rooney Mara's character from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Lisbeth Salander - although, the girl from the train was not nearly as cool or badass as the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; all intriguing stories, in their own right - but, I digress.
I could do my best to shine a glorious light upon people in my life that I continue to and will always love. I could talk about what has or hasn't been, what is, and what could be. No, these instances of ideal, practical, impractical, mysterious, and/or strange "love" would span far beyond the realm of a single blog post.
Perhaps, I should focus more upon how many serious, long-term, meaningful, lovey-dovey, romantic relationships that I've had the pleasure of been a part of? Oh, well, that one is easy: an unbelievable, whopping zero. You would think that someone like me: a genuinely caring, relatively intelligent, bold, outgoing, (again, relatively) young buck with a decent sense of humor would be able to find love with ease or at least, love would find me. No...not so much.
Now, there within, lies the fundamental question: why? Why does my heart grow old, bitter, and frigid as I continue to tread through life alone, whereas, the majority of my friends and loved ones are all happily sharing life with their hearts' counterparts? Do I not have a counterpart- dare I say, "soulmate" in this life? Am I no longer relevant in the grand scheme of life? Am I just not wanted? Is there something about me that repulses others?
Is there something that I Iack? Do I not deserve love? Am I just not good enough to be loved? I've been praised with words such as: smart, sweet, funny, and caring - all of which, seem to be followed by an invisible, unspoken, "but". Aren't these desirable characteristics, though? Are they not enough? Am I not smart, sweet, funny, and/or caring enough? If I truly do possess these distinct character traits, do I need something more?
Am I not successful and/or wealthy enough? By "Asian standards", I'm a failure at life and this has become painfully clear. In other words, no, I'm not an omnipotent, omniscient, multi-billionaire, doctor/lawyer/professor/philanthropist/Ruler of the World, making at least a ten-figure salary.
Am I just not good-looking enough? On one hand, I have been called "cute" (on more than one occasion, nonetheless). Likewise, to my own disbelief, especially, because I definitely do not possess an Adonis body, a friend once stated that I have a "great body". I still and always will blush at the thought. Quite flattering and just as much as a great ego booster, another friend of mine once even referred to me as "delicious". Then again, my own mother consistently tells me that I'm ugly and too skinny. More times than I would like, she declares that I look more like a teenage boy than a grown man. Asian genetics, I swear.
Do I not possess enough self-confidence/self-esteem? This one is definitely possible as I'm quite self-deprecating, so much, in fact, it's pretty much to the point of self-loathing.
Do I blame society? With a constant barrage of stereotypical tropes and caricatures (i.e. an overabundance of images, depicting Asian males as these buck-toothed, frail, sickly, emotionless, broken English-speaking, dorky, whiz kid, bookworm, code-breaking, mathematical geniuses/computer gurus with taped bifocals and suspenders pulled up to their necks, who may or may not know some form of martial arts, and/or who just happen to secretly be evil gangsters), as well as distorted, misrepresentations of the Asian male as these effeminate, weak, desexualized beings, among a sea of "small penis" jokes, it certainly doesn't help. Likewise, articles like this or this, essentially stating that Asian males are among the least desirable/sought after people - dating-wise, are disheartening, to say the least.
Do I blame myself? Is it because I think of love and long-term/permanent, meaningful relationships as being synonymous, rather than love being just a series of random, lustful, booty calls? Is it because when I think about dating and love, I do think long-term, and by doing so, I simply don't allow myself to relax and experience life in the moment? Is it because my standards for myself and others are too extravagantly high? Do I not give certain people a chance because I don't want them to suffer through the sheer lunacy of my dysfunctional family, as I myself, can barely handle that burden as it is? Do I distance myself from others? As some people claim, am I not "putting myself out there" as much as I should? Do I just not have any game? Am I over-thinking/over-analyzing things? It's possible. All in all, the reason for love being non-existent in my life is more than likely a not-so delectable blend of many of the fore-mentioned elements.
In reality, it's a bit ironic that I'm even writing about love because I know very little, if anything about it. Love has always been a bit of an enigma to me. I can't define love by familial love - because if you even remotely know me and/or have followed my blog, family and my relationship with my family is complicated, at best. I can't accurately describe love, in terms of "romantic", swooning love either because I've yet to fully experience that type of love firsthand.
The only love that I've really known is the love of friendship. In that particular regard, I've truly been blessed. Friends, although, they seem to grow distant as we age, have always been a positive driving force in my life. In fact, sometimes...a lot of the time, I feel as though my friends are the only tangible source of concrete positivity that I have in this life/the only thing that I really have going for me. I think that I'm a little afraid as I feel the strength of that love fading...or maybe not fading per say, but, more like moving farther away from me.
This is most likely why a part of me, admittedly now yearns for love (and I say that in the most thoughtful and genuine; least sappy/creepy/desperate - not intended to make me out as a huge lonely loser- type way possible). A part of me likes to think that it would be nice to be completely vulnerable with someone - no filter or masking of emotions, without any pretense or judgment. It would be refreshing to experience an breakable bond of joy with someone where a mere smile, hug, and/or kiss can dissipate all signs of fatigue and distress. Maybe, I'm just a hopeless Romantic living in an ideal, fantasy world, going from one day to another, as I march through an endless field of dreams. Who knows?
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