The diabetic nerd

Most of the time, posting and interacting with other diabetes content feels like… shared trauma, I guess? Like, it feels like people almost always post about the bad things, because it’s a chronic illness that’s exhausting, and never stops, and probably is never getting ‘better’ (in the sense of not being ‘sick’ anymore), and there’s always something wrong, and people die somewhat often from not being able to afford insulin because of price gouging and capitalism and classism and….

A lot of people on diabetes tumblr are like, mutuals and support each other and really respond to each other’s posts. Which is very kind, and an act of solidarity, I think.

But it also still feels like a lot of energy for me. It feels exhausting to just think about how fucking tiring my life is all the time. Even when my numbers are good. Even when I’m able to be doing a good job.

It’s still so tiring to think about how the other shoe could drop literally anytime.

I personally have a lot of trauma around diabetes, being diagnosed young and thinking I would die soon for a long time. It’s taken a long, long time to be less dissociated and actually feel my body cues and trust that I’m going to keep living.

But at the same time, I hate inspiration porn, and those diabetics who flaunt that they “can do anything they put their mind to, just like anyone else!” and who brag that they don’t eat sugar.

I feel like I’ve been needing to say this for a long time. My diabetes blog is somewhat inactive, and my posts are, more often than not, ‘vent’ type posts or posts about the negative parts of diabetes.

But at the same time, my diabetes is better than it’s ever been, so I’m proud of myself for that. And I guess on that level, it’s not as big of ‘a thing’ for me?

But I feel bad for talking about it, even though it’s taken a lot to get there.

I just… I don’t know.