The Complicated Blogger

Anyone else still on the ttc crazy-go-round?

About to ovulate in a couple of days, may the odds be ever in our favour 🙌🏻

5dpo, 12+ months of trying. We're about to start the new year! New Years resolution is to quit drinking completely. Wish me luck hahaha.

There's a certain calmness that my partner brings to every single thing we do. As he enters a room it's immediately aware that he's present. It's as if his heart walks before him, it's calm and patient beating slowing the hurt and pain I wake up with every morning. Before I see him, I can feel it. An immediate release in the tension of air that surrounds me. Whilst we have so very much in common.. our love for our son, the beliefs we hold and cherish, our mutual love for Guy Ritchie movies (Rocknrolla is my go-to when I'm upset or overwhelmed, he's watched it at least 100 times with me) and ice cream, our constant banter and the love we have for our families.. we also are so different in personality traits. He is so calm, understanding, rational and genuinely able to take a step back and assess a situation then react. I, on the other hand, do not have those skills. Yes, I am a calm and loving person most days but I am easily overwhelmed and stressed. I am the mum that agrees to adopt a puppy with no notice, my partner is the one who calmly explains why that's not a great idea. I take things to heart so often, I'm headstrong and extremely easy to frustrate. I often submit to my anxiety so pathetically. If our son gets hurt I am reduced to tears.. an absolute mess. My partner will always stand strong, scoop us up and soldier on. Only when everything is okay, when we're all stable and he knows I'm calmed down THEN will he break down. Trying to conceive? Ha. What a nightmare. I cry, constantly. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking. He will always pick up the pieces, encourage me, let me sook and vent and feel whatever I have to then we move on and start again. He really is a credit to his parents, his understanding and compassion is beyond anything I've ever encountered and I hope to god our son can develop the same way. He works so much, he never complains, he appreciates my somewhat mediocre cooking and always makes time for our son and ourselves. What more could I ask for? Absolutely blessed to have this amazing man in our lives 😍💕

Sometimes I'm so torn.. I wonder if I'm so selfish to desperately want a second child... like I'm so undeserving of those women who still, after years, are struggling to conceive their first.. as if I don't have the right to want this so bad. Shouldn't I be grateful? I cherish my son. He's the light in our lives, we devote everything we have to him. But there are some precious families who haven't been able to have the blessing that is a child. If this is you... please don't for a second think my heart doesn't break for you. Every time I get a negative pregnancy test, I cry. Every time my period comes, our heart breaks. But I feel for you too. I know we have our own son, I know we have a precious gift. I'm constantly conflicted in my own desperate want for another baby, a sibling for our son, another member for our beautiful family but don't think I don't recognise how lucky I am to have my son. I feel guilty, I know my body has done this before.. I know I can do this. But after losing a Fallopian tube when my son was 8 months old, when I had to say "yes, I consent to you putting me to sleep to save my life and give me surgery... even though you're taking part of my body and my second baby" my chances were cut in half... pair that with polycystic ovarian syndrome.. our struggle is real. It's so difficult and suffocating. I hope we all get our happy ending.. be it through natural conception, IVF, IUI, adoption, surrogacy.. A family is not made by blood but made with love.

Well negative test, again. Hurry up next month!! On a different note - I'm so sick of hearing "just stop trying and it'll happen" "it took me XX days/months to get pregnant" "it'll happen when it's meant to" fucking blah blah blah. Screw you. YOU don't get to decide how I FEEL about my infertility. Wine time. Cheers 👌🏻🍷

Okay! So we're 4dpo, been BD constantly!! It's crazy!! Anyone else feels like their partner just randomly had a pick me up one month?! Can't keep him off me.. not complaining tho 😂💁🏻 Had so much stress this month but doing amazing in uni, family and home life is perfect as usual. Loving our chances this month!! Anyone else feel super positive??

Period has come straight on time.. I’m thankful it wasn’t late and I didn’t get my hopes up. Stayed strong this time and didn’t test for ovulation or pregnancy.. saved me some money. My PCOS is getting worse, it’s so frustrating and if you don’t suffer from it you really don’t understand. Getting blood work done this week for hormone assessment again so hopefully they come out with something.

Tonight I’m just going to drink lots of wine and feel sorry for myself.

Sometimes I get so fucking furious, hateful, envious and just disgusted at my own "extended" family. My own grandmother (although I refuse to call her that and now refer to her by her first name) has never met my son, yet she worships the ground my cousin walks on and fawns over her and her kids. She never even called me when he was born, she had never even got his name right. My mother is one of 5 sisters and NONE of them have any idea what I do, how old my son is, what position I'm in throughout my life. They never have, they're horrible women. So caught up in keeping up with the joneses that they completely forgot about "family" Why? I wish I knew.

I've never spoken much about my son on here.. but I'm starting to get really frustrated with certain people saying I'm "uptight" with him. You're right; I won't let him stay in a dirty state, I take pride in keeping him in clean clothes with a clean face and brushed hair. I don't let him stay up late, I know how important his sleep is and I don't make stupid excuses about not getting him to bed on time, in his own bed. I don't let him eat junk food every day, I've always struggled with my weight and I want to make sure he's always given a healthy and balanced diet. I don't leave him with strangers, I don't want to ever question whether my son is safe and cared for. I don't let him talk back, I won't be disrespected by my own child. I don't say negative things about his biological "father" in front of him, regardless of the domestic abuse we suffered years ago, I refuse to corrupt his mind with hateful words when the only person he knows as "daddy" is the man who's actually raised and nurtured him. I will never have a drink of alcohol and drive with my child in the car on the same day, it's a personal choice. I will not come to your party to get drunk and leave my child at home, sorry but your birthday/hens party/Christmas party isn't that important to me. I will not allow him to be disrespectful or negative to people based on skin colour/appearance/sexuality/gender or any other negate reason, I'm raising a man who will respect all people until they give him a reason not to. I will never neglect, overlook or take for granted my role as a parent, my son is my whole life. Family is everything to us. Forever and always. Bring in baby number two 💕

I feel so lost right now, I can't even explain how confusing and frustrating this whole journey is. I'm done with timing my cycle and organising our sex life. I've deleted my period tracking apps and forums. I'm putting the ovulation tests away. It's time to get back to just being a good partner and mother instead of focusing on things that are just drowning me.

So I've gathered myself back together, this roller coaster of ttc is unnecessarily cruel. My heart goes out to poor women who have to wait for years and years and years. I'm starting to get frustrated with people prodding me for information about "where I'm at" - I'll share when we're in a safe place. I don't want to jinx anything by getting excited early. Why can't people just be supportive without being nosy and invasive?

Having tummy cramps and pinching in my lower tummy. Praying it's implantation 🙌🏻 Please god give me a baby in time for Father's Day 😍💕👪+👶🏼

Feeling super positive this month!! I think this could genuinely be our month 😍 anyone else feeling positive??!