Hello everyone,
I understand this blog has been inactive for several years. I don’t know if any of you will see this, or even care. Zero hard feelings from me. I am genuinely sorry if my inactivity, silence, distance resulted in hard feelings for you. Some of you, we had a good connection, and it was very meaningful to me, during a very transitory and explorative time in my life.
A lot has changed, as one might expect. TC and I are still together, still best friends and in love. We play around with the D/s dynamic in sexy times, but we are no longer actively working towards making that our lifestyle, and in fact have shifted into equity and shared power— mutual support, mutual value, in all things in all ways. We are also continually open in our communication about our needs, desires, and fantasies, and are exploring our sexuality and developing an open/ENM relationship.
When I started this blog, we were both evangelicals, deeply entrenched in a codependent church. I believed that D/s was “god’s design” and felt like I had a supernatural justification, and imperative, for pursuing it, no matter how many times it didn’t quite fit in one way or another.
The first catalyst came when, one morning I was making zero progress with my kids at home, and I asked them out of frustration, “why do you listen to daddy, but not me?”
My youngest replied, “because he’s the boss.”
No, child. I grew you, sustained you, birthed you, continued to sustain you, and I spend the majority of time with you.
It was immediately clear this dynamic as a lifestyle was not functional, or healthy, for me, for my marriage, or for my kids to observe and be shaped by.
The second catalyst was when I began intensely deconstructing my faith. I was never really open about that here to begin with, because I knew folks were in all different places and, quite frankly, I was embarrassed to be seen as less intelligent, or suddenly untrustworthy as though I might secretly think someone is beneath me, (the irony😏). At any rate, I was working through yoga teacher and yoga therapy certifications, with a faith-based organization, and saw shit in biblical literature I’d never encountered before and I experienced severe cognitive dissonance trying to grapple with what I had believed and literally built my life on and around and into, for decades, and what I was being confronted with through simple reading and wondering.
That is about the time my engagement here nosedived. The biggest piece for me was this story of Adam and Eve that I had always been taught and believed to be literal, and taught that Eve’s punishment and correction was to now be submitted to Adam. That’s not actually what the text says, and I see now that it’s a creation mythology, just like any other cultural-spiritual framework.
When I saw that, my personal justification for D/s just dissolved overnight.
I identify as nontheist now. I’ve been on Twitter for the last few years, and as it’s rapidly melting down internally with the expectation that it will cease to be a functional space, I’ve created a new blog here in the event that I transition my social media experience primarily to tumblr.
In both places, if you would like to find me, you can do so @ alloalouette
You’re welcome to follow me at either place if you’d like to; if you do I’d love to say hello. If you’d rather I fuck off forever, I understand that, too.
I post about deconstructing from fundamentalist religion, about art, my personal photography (mostly of the sky and plants), sex/sexuality/sensuality, social justice, memes ofc; it’s a veritable hodgepodge. I also have been in trauma therapy for the last year, diagnosed with dissociative type C-PTSD from an adolescence rife with abuse and neglect (ACEs score of 10), and I post about that too, though typically on a smaller account. If tumblr does become my primary social media, I’ll likely do the same here, with a secondary blog.
Contrary to appearances, I do think about you all, with regularity. I hope you are as well as you can be.
Love, TCP/Alouette
