Well, that was fun. Rogue Nation is just so intensely shippy (especially as we know Benji gets his man in the end). And every time I see RN I spot another detail. Love this movie, love these awkward men falling in love with other and completely unable to say it
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Iām still thinking about the deleted lines in RN about Benji asking Ethan how did he know that he wonāt bring a date to the opera. And then right after that Benji also had a joke line about being in a closet. I mean. One may call it coincidence but to some thatās actionable intel
"fall in love again and again, fall in love again and again" and it's Benji hopelessly pining after his seemingly straight best friend year after year after year for 20 years SO FAR šš
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Watching FO commentary and they mentioned something I have NEVER noticed before but bloody hell
When the team of 3 got out of the boat and reunited with Walker, Benji was the first to climb up the stairs, and the moment he saw Walker, he turned towards Ethan
Ethan, who took a look at Walker first, looked at Benji again and had THE SLIGHTEST OF A NOD
And from the commentary, I think that was Simon Pegg improvising? That Benji was checking if Walker was good or not, evaluating him somehow
Was it here that they started (or it started even earlier and this is just them making sure) to keep an eye on Walker and set a trap for him??? I'm literally going insane. I'll be thinking about this exchange of glances and the slight nod for the rest of eternity
I couldn't (and I STILL can't) believe that they put it in the trailer
The moment I saw this scene I knew that I will be drawing it, but I didn't notice that Benji was crying (!) UNTIL I started drawing. So simple redraw became a more complicated mission of making happy (and more gay) version of this scene. Please enjoy!
Don't let this flop, guys. I spend an incredibly long time on this ;u;
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Personally I think itās a brilliant bit of continuity that Ethan completely fucks up his leg in Ghost Protocol and then in every movie after that for years, whenever Ethan is injured or tired, he limps on that leg.
Constant reminder that these crazy stunts do damage Ethanās body. That he probably didnāt take the time to heal properly. That the damage is long lasting. That all his injuries linger.
Just a fantastic through line as Ethan ages - even after all these years, he still limps because of what happened in GP. Heās not Superman. He hurts and heals and hurts again. His body is battered and traumatised.
I donāt like Valentines, so as usual I projected that onto Benji and wrote a fic
āWhatās Benji doing?ā
Luther looked up from the delicate and complicated bit of engineering he was trying to do, with Ethan being helpful (someone has to hold the soldering iron) to see what Ethan was looking at.
He was staring, in his usual burn-holes-in-your-soul way, at Benji, across the room, who was stood in front of his desk, clutching the strap of his bag, staring at his desk in horror.
āDid some one tidy his desk or something?ā Ethan asked. Luther sighed, and put his tools down, switching off the soldering iron. Now Benji had caught Ethanās attention, he would be good for nothing.
āHe probably got a Valentineās card and is wondering who sent it to him.ā
Ethanās gaze snapped back to Luther.
āItās Valentineās?ā
āDo you even notice the date? Is this like the time I caught you coming into the office and wondering where everyone was and it was Christmas Day?ā
āIām never quite sure what time zone Iām in,ā Ethan murmured, looking back across at Benji, who was poking at something on his desk with a pencil, and frowning.
āCāmon, letās go make fun of him,ā Luther said. They walked over to where Benji was staring at the card, which had fallen face down on his desk.
āWell look whoās got a Valentineāsā Luther teased.
Benji looked up to where Luther had hitched a hip up onto his desk and was grinning at him. Ethan stood beside him, looking awkward and forlorn. Benji felt sorry for him - valentines would be one of those days, like Christmas, that he tried to forget, because it would remind him of Julia. And yet the reminders were impossible to ignore.
āI donāt want a Valentines card. I hate Valentines Day,ā Benji said, staring back at the card.
āWho hates Valentines?ā said Brandt, strolling up, Jane by his side.
āSomeone who has not had happy memories of Valentines Day,ā Benji groused and for a moment he thought of ājokeā cruel cards and dates that abandoned him and a bottle of wine all to himself. Heād taken the vow to ignore Valentineās Day years ago, and so far he had been successful. He could hear Brandt taking a breath to ask a follow up question and he really couldnāt bear to answer it, he couldnāt. He looked up at Ethan, and though he didnāt know it, he looked pleading.
Ethan never ignored Benjiās pleading look. Before Brandt could speak, Ethan interrupted.
āDid you get a card, Brandt?ā
āI can neither confirm nor deny whether I got a Valentine card,ā he said, smugly.
āJane?ā
āI got six,ā she said, leaning forward to examine the card. āYouāre right to be careful, Benji, look at the building weāre in, look at the kind of people we work with. Anything could be in that card - knockout gas, a flash bang, a tracker of some kind.ā
āSee!ā Benji cried, āThank you, Jane, I appreciate your suspicious and tactical mind.ā
āHmm,ā she said, standing up and looking at Ethan.
āDid you get one?ā Brandt asked him.
āI havenāt been to my desk yet,ā Ethan said shortly. Now he was staring at the card, now also suspicious. Heād once watched Hannah deliver a Christmas Card to a mark that had exploded in the markās face, causing temporary blindness and deafness. And that card was designed right hereā¦
āMaybe someone just wants you to be their Valentine,ā Brandt said to Benji.
āMe? Why me? Iām not anyoneās idea of a Valentine? In a building full of people like Ethan and Jane, who would pick me?ā
Luther and Jane exchanged a silent look. Jane nodded subtly at Ethan, who was currently staring at Benji with his signature āIām distressed by Benjiās pain but I donāt want him to know that so Iāll smile brightly at himā look. Luther shook his head minutely.
āI can think of a few, Benji,ā Brandt said, showing an unexpected flash of his kindness. āThereās only one way to end this - open the card.ā
āWe could open it with a bomb robot in the cellar if you like,ā Luther said, only half joking. Benji looked at Ethan, was staring at him steadily. Benji couldnāt read his expression, for once. A mixture of loss and sorrow and support and an overly bright smile and - what else was that? What was he seeing?
āOh well,ā Benji said, grabbing the card and opening it (noticing how almost everyone flinched)
It was a picture of a little teddy bear holding a heart and inside someone had written āhappy Valentineās Day!ā
It was not Ethanās large looping handwriting, and Benji felt a pang of disappointment. Not that Ethan would send a Valentine and certainly not to Benji but still, a boy can dreamā¦
Ethan had taken the card and was staring at the handwriting. Jane peered over his shoulder.
āOh, thatās Cherry down in engineering,ā Jane said. āYou know, the one who designs the car engines? She loves Valentineās, said everyone deserves a card. Sheās probably sent one to everyone in the entire building.ā
Both Luther and Brandt nodded. Benji saw Ethanās shoulders release a little tension.
āYou recognised her handwriting?ā Brandt asked.
āI can recognise the hand writing of everyone in this building. I know itās you refusing my request for more weapons.ā
āLookā¦ā they drifted off, arguing gently. Luther studied Ethan for a moment, still staring at the card, and Benji staring at Ethan, both of them looking they were trying to solve a puzzle. Then he silently went back to his work.
āItās kind of her but I do genuinely hate Valentineās,ā Benji said softly.
Ethan looked up, at the cards on everyoneās desk, the hearts strung inexpertly across one wall, the look of excited anticipation on some of the faces.
āItās not my favourite day either,ā he admitted.
āI donāt mind being alone,ā Benji said, taking the card back and propping it upright on the desk. āItās just some daysā¦ā
āYouāre reminded rather too forcefully of that fact,ā Ethan replied. āBeing alone, I mean.ā
Then he looked up at Benji and grinned.
āSo letās not be. If the entire city is celebrating, letās go and join in. Skip work today and go and see music or a street market, go and get something to eat. Letās not be alone.ā
āEthanā¦ā Benji breathed. āItās Valentineās, everyone will assume weāre togetherā¦ā
āI donāt mind, do you mind?ā
Benji managed to splutter out that no, he didnāt mind being seen as Ethanās significant other.
āBenji, I would be proud to be seen with you on my arm,ā Ethan said and his voice and expression was laughing and teasing but in his eyes - deep down in his eyes, was a glimpse of truth.
āOk. Ok then,ā Benji said. āLetās do Valentines together.ā
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As AO3 is down, and I needed Benthan, i wrote one. That's not an extreme over reaction is it?
When The Mission Is Over
āThe internet is down!ā
Ethan turned around to see Benji staring at his screen, dismayed. He looked horrified. He looked more upset than the week before when he had been kidnapped by a gang of smugglers (Benji had managed to talk his way out of it, learn all their contacts and disable their communication by the time a frantic Ethan arrived to rescue him.)
āWell, we are in quite a remote area,ā Ethan said, leaning down over the screen. His hand was on the back of Benjiās chair and for a moment he caught a hint of Benjiās shampoo, something citrussy and sharp heād picked up on the last mission. Benji liked to change his toiletries every week, but underneath it all was still the essential scent of Benji. Ethan took a breath and then told himself off for being strange and intense about Benji again.
āWe should still be able to get a signal. I had plans,ā Benji moaned, gesturing at the screen.
āHavenāt you already downloaded all we need for the mission?ā
āI need books. I need games. I have the new series of Star Trek to catch up on! How am I supposed to entertain myself now?ā
āYou could talk to me,ā Ethan said, standing up.
āDonāt you have your normal plans of a 10k run, and then an hour of yoga followed by an exceptionally healthy meal and then mission prep to do? You donāt normally need me for that.ā
Ethan bit his lip. All these evenings in safe houses together, alone or with others. All this time in the same room, barely speaking to each other, only crossing paths when they had to discuss the mission.
Ethan hadnāt meant it to be this way. After Vienna ā after the barge ā he had silently promised to himself to treasure Benji. To never give Benji a reason to leave him. Benji had given up so much to spend his life by Ethanās side, Ethan had to make up for it by giving Benji all he could. But somehow that hadnāt happened. They had worked together well ā exceptionally well ā but somehow friendship had seemed to drift away from them, swamped by the work.
That wasnāt fair to Benji.
āIāll do the run,ā Ethan said. āBut after that, Iām all yours.ā
Ethan almost never cooked, and he didnāt know if Benji did, but he came back from his run to find a meal simmering on the stove. It smelt delicious. He stood next to Benji at the stove and smelled the air.
āThatās wonderful,ā he said softly.
āTaste it first,ā Benji said. āGo and have a shower and weāll eat.ā
Ethanās showers were normally quick āget clean and goā affairs. Not this one. He took his time, he shaved carefully and brushed his hair. He reached for his normal black t-shirt ā and then decided to take the purple shirt instead. For some reason, his hand shook a little as he buttoned it.
When he walked into the other room, Benji was dishing up the meal. There were candles on the table.
āLooks like a date,ā Ethan said, before he could stop himself. Benji blushed.
āIām not sure of the electrics,ā Benji said, not looking up at Ethan. āI didnāt want us to be without light.ā
Benji sat down, fiddling with his cutlery a little awkwardly.
āI was thinking about tomorrow...ā
āLetās not talk about the mission,ā Ethan said quickly. āWeāve got other topics of conversation, havenāt we? We used to talkā¦ā
Benji glanced down, at the meal, biting his lip. Yes, there was a time they would have talked about anything but the mission. But that was before, the days between that first mission together and Ethan disappearing in London. They had talked all the time then, getting to know each other, learning each otherās history, their tastes, their habits. Swapping music recommendations, watching movies, trying new food. There had been an evening where they had told each other the worst jokes they knew. Another where they tried to work out exactly what Luther did on his time off. A constant conversation, Benji unable to be quiet and Ethan responding to this new voice, this new life, so different to his own. Becoming colleagues and then friends and then close friends. Knowing each other.
But somehow, talk since they had reunited ā after Vienna, after London ā talk had become difficult. Somehow the words seemed heavy with unspoken meanings, things neither man dared say, a danger in the casual conversation that wasnāt there before. Too much closeness could lead to a step it was dangerous to take.
But they couldnāt go on this way. And maybe ā maybe they could give a little. Just a little.
Benji took a breath.
āSo let me tell you about the first opera I sawā¦.ā
Somehow they managed not to talk about the mission. In fact, it was almost as if theyād forgotten about the mission. After a few moments stilted conversation, the words flowed as easily as they had before. They talked, and laughed and teased and learned. And as the sun went down, and the darkness became heavy around the candlelight, things were hinted at.
āIām glad you stayed,ā Ethan said. āI donāt think I could do any of this without you.ā
āThere was never a choice, not for me,ā Benji told him. āItās where I belong, with you.ā
āIām glad,ā Ethan said again, unsure if another word would reveal too much of intense joy he had in Benji's presence. āBut I should let you know ā you donāt owe me anything. You donāt have to stay with me, I know itās been bad for you, what with what Lane did. I know ā I know itās been difficult after that andā¦ā
āI donāt care,ā Benji said, fiercely, fervently. Darkness and conversation brought freedom from restraints. āYou need me, and I need you. No matter what, Iām with you to the end. Whatever the end may be.ā
āI donāt want anything to happen to youā¦.ā
āAnd I donāt want anything to happen to you. But it will, without me there. I know that. You know it too, donāt you? Donāt you, Ethan? Or ā or is this your way of telling me you want me to leave? Is that what this is, Ethan? A goodbye meal?ā
Benjiās eyes shone with tears and Ethan couldnāt bear it. He reached forward and grasped Benjiās hand.
āNo. No, donāt leave me. I donāt want that. Look - I try to watch you, and keep you safe, but I canāt be there all the time, and Iām worried the minute youāre out from under my gaze someone will get to youā¦ā
āIāll take it,ā Benji said, bravely. āWhatever it is. I know youāll protect me as best you can but you have to know ā Iāll be protecting you too, in my way.ā
They watched each other a moment in the candlelight, Ethan still holding Benjiās hand.
There was a beep, and they turned to see the computer connecting to the internet and a slew of messages appearing. Ethan let go of Benjiās hand. He felt like theyād been caught doing something they shouldnāt.
āBack to the mission, I guess,ā Benji said softly.
āIt can wait a moment,ā Ethan said, wanting to grasp the last threads of whatever had been woven here, tonight. āItās good to talk. Iāve missed this. Iāve missed us being friends.ā
āWeāre still friends, Ethan,ā Benji said. āWeāll always be friends.ā
āWe havenāt had much time for it lately,ā Ethan said, very quietly. The computer beeped again, more urgently this time. He glanced at it.
āWeāll make time,ā Benji said. āI think ā I think you need this. And me too. Weāll make time. Weāll go the cinema and train together and tell each other about books and go out for dinner and ā and ā weāll talk. Weāll talk.ā
The computer started to make a ringing sound. Brandt was calling them.
āIāll try,ā Ethan said, desperately, glancing at it. āWeāll try. Weāll try to be just Ethan and Benji, once in a while, every so often, when the missions stop.ā
āWhen the missions stop,ā Benji said softly. A large message popped up on screen, informing them if they didnāt answer Brandt was going to send in the troops. Benji got up to answer it.
āTogether,ā Ethan said, very quietly, watching Benji sit down and begin to type. āWeāll have time, when the missions stop.ā