The Book Nerds Project

Anyhow, I don't even know why I'm still writing this letter or why I'm making another entry. Perhaps because it just feels like we're back to the old times, and your presence is my epitome of nostalgia.

I dreamt of you... It was a bit vague but all I can remember is that in the end, we patched things up. We were together, and you even held my hand. I was a bit shocked at first, and then my heart swooned. I held your hand tightly. All I can remember is that I was happy. I was happy knowing that you're finally by my side again.. And then my happiness suddenly turned into misery once I realized it was all just a dream and you're still gone..

Eloyza

Since our last talk, I took off the bracelet and put it in the 'Shaun' box where I placed your letters and ballpen. I took it off because I felt like I needed to move on. To accept that maybe you're just not the one for me and that I should forget all our memories to heal the wound that I got when we said our good bye's. However, at this very hour and time, I suddenly felt the urge to wear the bracelet again. I have no idea what's gotten into me but the heaviness and pain I used to feel was significantly decreased when I wore the bracelet. That's when I decided not to let go and not to give up. I know you still don't know about this blog which is why I thought to myself that I can still make an entry. A message, this time. I want to let you know I'm wearing the bracelet. I'm still wearing it, and I think I'll always be. Shaun, think of me as foolish or naive but I refuse to give up on what we could be. You're amazing, and wonderful. Yes you have your doubts and weaknesses every now and then but that does not define who you are. I know you're more than that and I'm sorry but I just can't let you go. I'll keep my distance, don't worry. I won't bother you nor pester you. But I just want you to know that I'm wearing the bracelet as a sign of hope. Hope that one day we might be able to patch things up and try again. Hope that maybe in the end, you'll choose me and finally be ready. But please do not misunderstand and do not feel pressured as well. I am not asking you nor begging you to come back. I'm not hindering you from falling in love with someone else. I am not stopping you from forgetting me altogether. All I want is to let you know that I'm still here, and I'm still waiting in case you ever want to come back. But also understand that I am m human, and might not be able to wait forever. So if I ever do take off the bracelet once more, that will be the last time. That would signify that I've finally let go and decided to give myself a chance to get over you and continue my journey without you in it anymore. But until then, I'll keep hoping and waiting for your return.

I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry it had to end. We had a blast, didn’t we? Heh. I’ll always look back at this moment and be grateful. I want you to know I’ll always be here. Even though I asked for space and distance, I’m still here. I love you with everything that I am, with ever fiber of my being. You’re wonderful. Please believe me this time. Rid yourself of self-destructive thoughts. You are young, you have so much potential in life and you still have time to better yourself. Please know that you truly are wonderful and amazing. You’re the only person I ever met with high intellect yet weird at the same time. You always stayed true to yourself no matter what and I admire that. I admit I’m gonna miss this..miss us. Miss what we had. The jokes, the banter, roasts, and the sweetness and being cheesy every now and then. You made me happy and you became a huge part in my Grade 10 life. Even in my life as a whole. I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to meet you and get to know you. I wish you well in your future. Be the best version of yourself. You have great potential. I hope you’ll someday look back at this moment and consider it as a bittersweet chapter in your own novel. I’m glad our own stories crossed paths. I’ll cherish everything especially the memories we had. I hope that you won't forget the silly Grade 10 girl who loved you through everything. But most of all I want you to know I'm not exactly giving up. I'll let you grow as an individual, learn lessons in life as you make mistakes. I want to meet you again. I want to meet you when you have learned to take care of yourself. When you know what love is. I'll keep praying from now on that one day we'll meet again and this time everything is right. This time we're both all grown up and ready to love. This time we'll be able to make it work. Once you have matured enough and you still think of me from time to time and would like to try again, you know where to find me and how to contact me. I'll never truly leave. I'll always be ready to try again. To give us another chance. But until then, I have to say good bye. Thank you for everything, Dory. I’ll miss you.

It’s 3:10 am, and here I am missing you. Yep! Ya read that right. Thanks to you, I can’t sleep at all because I miss our meet ups. I miss waiting for you at the registrar’s, wanting the time to pass-by quickly during class hours so I can talk to you already. I miss the excitement of wondering what stories you’ll tell me, and me gathering topics in my head and stories to tell you as well. I just want to see you and talk to you in personal again, you know? I find it amusing how you try to hide your awkwardness or nervousness while talking to me. Even when we can’t think up of anything to say to each other, your company was enough. Just seeing you and being with you delights me. Knowing you’re there, sharing a moment with me just feels wonderful in my part. As I’m writing this, I wonder if you feel the same way. Do you? Heh. Oh well, guess I’ll never know. I hope you’re sleeping peacefully right now because I’m not. I really miss you, Dory.

04-24-17 Tonight I realized and confirmed this with Maam Sweeny's help as well.

It’s really weird and interesting. Let’s see what the future has in store for us ☺️

Today, you said that you wanted to end it..that you would’ve lost your shit if it weren’t for the bracelet and it honestly made me happy. I’m literally thanking God and giving myself a round of applause for giving you the bracey. What truly made me happy though is that the bracelet served its purpose; guide you through everything, and be a remembrance that you’ll always have me. I hope the bracey will keep on doing its job, but the truth it I’m scared now. No, no screw that.. I am TERRIFIED of the possibility that one day you might truly end your life. Maybe one day you might actually call it quits and leave this world…it’s breaking my heart, and it makes me cry. I..I don’t want you to, okay? It may be selfish of me, but fuck it! I like you a lot, I really do.. I don’t want you to go away, okay? You’re an amazing and incredible guy. You always light up my mood and give meaning to my days. I won’t lie..sure, you’re a pain in the ass sometimes but you’re MY pain in the ass. The point is, I’m willing to go through anything as long as it’s either with you or for you. You mean a lot to me, Shaun. I don’t want you to leave, okay? Because then my heart would be shattered into million pieces, my mind can never be clear of thoughts about you, and I will probably cry myself to sleep every night. The grief would be too much to handle. Please don’t give up anytime soon, okay? In fact, don’t give up at all. I can be here for you. I can always be with you until you heal as well. I just have one favor to ask of you.. Stay with me, alright? Can you do that? Can you please stay with me?

With a pillow by my side, and the lights shut off, I close my eyes—hoping to drift off into sleep. But you see, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t find peace no matter how hard I tried. Only then did I realize that I am haunted by the thoughts of you—your smile, that laugh, the way you spoke; even your sense of humor which is unlike any other.

You have no idea how much this line struck me. I never knew I could make such an impact on someone’s life...much more for that someone to be you. 

So yeah. This meet up was-and is-wonderful. Thank you. I hope 'this' would last. I really do. 

I can't believe you actually said you like me. To be honest, I didn't expect it. You were ranting about how you want to be a part of the chain and I actually felt down because I thought you actually have feelings for Roni or Alyssa. Several thoughts popped into my head. I felt empty the moment you said you want (and didn't want) to be a part of that chain. I thought to myself, "Am I not enough? Are my feelings toward you not enough?". So I hated myself for thinking I have a chance with you. I hated myself for liking you, for wanting to be accompanied by you and your uniqueness. A part of me died. Since you made me think you have no feelings for me, I knew I had to confront right there and then. Since the conversation killed all my hopes for being with you anyway, I knew I had to make it clear whether you like me or not. My heart and mind were basically shouting at me to abort mission, but I needed to know. I couldn't give up without a fight. Thankfully–and surprisingly as well–though, you answered yes... You basically made my whole month. Thank you for giving me this joy. ☺️

I was definitely down today, but you made my week better. You seem to have that effect on me, so thank you ☺️. Today's meeting was sort of the usual, yet it was different at the same time. You seem much more comfortable now, and relaxed as well. Although you were playing with the strands with your hair which indicates you were a bit uncomfortable. Still, you were getting the hang of it. You can even look at me in the eye now, unlike before. Yes, I DID notice your eye contact problem. I'm happy you can look at me now (eye to eye) but it's gonna be the death of me. I seem to get lost in your eyes. Cheesy, I know! But I'm being completely honest here...so that's the end of this cringeworthy/cheesy entry. P.S I'm serious, I can't help staring into your eyes. If I don't stop soon, I'm gonna die due to heart explosion.

captured: 022117 I kept telling everyone who saw this pic that it’s my favorite because the view in La Mesa is wonderful. And truth be told, it was…but the real reason as to why it’s my fav pic, and why I find it special is because I captured the view with you in it..which made it all the more meaningful.

(022817 | 8:52 PM)