the berry bugle

So long as SOMEBODY gave her a standing O, right? Not to get our NYcrit-T on but Isa de la Vega shouldn’t get too accustomed to being heaped with accolades for her ‘acting’. Maybe she has a future in eliminating pesky theatre critics, though.

How dare you reduce Kyt Mansfield to a mere bit of totty on the side during the Blight! He is of a quality of totty that demands at LEAST entree status.

There’s a lot of finger-pointing going on when it comes to the Blight ... and we LOVE IT! Don’t stop with the wild accusations and specious reasoning, Berryites, keep ‘em coming! Maybe the black mold is Bellamy’s newest decorating scheme gone horribly wrong? Who KNOWS??

You’re one up on us there, Anon, we haven’t heard hide nor manscaped hair of local vampire Tuah Arjuna since the Blight began. We’d also like to buy a dozen blueberry muffins, though. And maybe a cronut. Does he deliver?

The Bugle has no idea what either of these epithets mean and if they’re complimentary or derogatory to the aforementioned Ryden Bolt. Oh, God -- are we getting old??!?

Wasn’t their wedding a hot minute ago? Is this a quarterly vow renewal, is that the new trend for hot young couples these days? Maybe they did it for the ‘gram (or, as we’re in Soapberry, for the Snaps). In which case, cough up those blood-smeared Vera Wang pics, Anon.

We’ve been chomping at the bit to do an exposé on the Stonefruit Inn since those two n’er do wells first opened the doors of that place. But that doesn’t mean we’re going to provide free advertising for Slickity Shemp’s Squat ‘n’ Chew to do it, even if they do have tasty, unique eight-dollar lunch specials every day and even on weekends, and selkies under 5-foot-2 are half-price!

Humans are the WORST.

[CORRECTION] Humans are not actually the worst; we at the Bugle accept and celebrate diversity in all species and non-species which is what humans are

[ADDENDUM] Humans are indeed a species and we would never intimate that their existence is invalid, don’t put words in our mouths

This Mrs. Collingwood has her head on right. Possibly she’s high as balls, but referencing Weird Science is never a misstep in our books. Remember how RDJ was a punk biker in it? This Mrs. Collingwood sounds like a far-out kind of chick, man. You better bring her an apple next school day. She might have the munchies.

Who from the SBSD would she want as part of her entourage, though? The choices are slim pickings indeed:

flaccid fairy

drunk wolf 

narcoleptic fairy

ephram

She’d be better off taking a spiral-cut ham with her on her strolls through town. 

Are monster-filled hellscapes their special kink? We hope so, because otherwise that’s kind of sad. Do your dirty bedroom deeds right here in Soapberry, kids! It’s okay! Live your lives! Have your sex! Have ALL of the sex!

Nobody has checked that we know. See? This is how he gets away with being the town’s resident Mad Occultist! Nobody checks him. And at the very least he should be checked for fluorescent monkey ticks and common rabies.

While we’d believe just about anything when it comes to Sheriff ‘STI Vector’ Pettaline, we’re doubtful that Essie would get caught up in that sort of drama.

Tell us more about this affliction of Familiar Loss Flaccidness, though! Isn’t there a pill for that? Is it not covered by the SBSD health plan? 

We heard about that as well. Not the Manon part but about the blood pact. If any of you people who were involved in Ciara Mist’s corpuscular rampage want to step up and tell us what really went down, we’re all ears! 

Until then, maybe band-aid up if you’re in her presence. 

What’s with all the tense pusses around town? What, you scared of a little Blight? What about all the other jacked-up shit we’ve dealt with over the years? Come on, people! THIS IS SOAPBERRY!!

On that note, let’s rev up this party apocalypse. Send in your gossip! Ask us for advice! Tell us what you’re up to! Confess what you did in a pocket world!

“Hello eNews Paper. 

I would like to thank three helpful boys who cleaned up my yard yesterday. Some of you may know that I have a large yard in Jamara. I love my flamingoes and my garden gnomes, however I do not use them in spells like some youths suggest. 

These same, or perhaps, different youths seem to have taken their frustration out on my darling garden ornaments. I was going to call my son to clean it up, as I simply don’t have the dexterity anymore. 

But yesterday three boys: a very tall atronach, a scruffy blonde, and a very short dimple boy - were out there cleaning. They got rid of the poor ornaments that were beyond repair, fixed the ones that were salvageable, and even brought me a few new ones. 

However, they did not introduce themselves and I wanted to put this in the paper to thank them. Good job, Helpful Boys."

LOOKING FOR A NICE JUICY TOMATO?

Bumbly Farms has a bumper crop of scrum-diddly-umptious tomatoes ready to be purchased as either plants or ripe fruit! Each of their Bonnie varieties, if left in direct moonlight for two nights, will take on its final form and provide you with burly beefy company full of seeds and lycopene for a further two nights. 

AUGUST 19 HOROSCOPE

ARIES: The thing about being hard-headed is that it takes a while to realize when you’ve cracked something. Now might be a good time for you to pause, to admit that even your formidable horns aren’t indestructible, and to bandage up so you can heal.

TAURUS: It’s been a trip to the fair for you lately, although most of that time felt like you were strapped into the Tilt-A-Whirl. If people offer you a steady hand to hang onto till you get your balance back, don’t be stubborn and don’t be fussy: the alternative is landing flat on your ass. 

GEMINI: Whenever things look up for you, you’re too busy looking into doing favours for all your friends to even notice it. Do you have to make things so hard, you damn dirty ape? Okay, I know you won’t listen, but still -- take a flipping Me Day already. Take two, one for each Twin.

CANCER: Pay attention. Things have been slipping your notice lately because you can’t focus in properly on what’s changed and needs you to attend to it, and these things are important. You’ll never catch the yellow monkey butler if you don’t. See, you probably didn’t even realize I stopped making sense, because you tuned out. Your loss, babe.

LEO: You, my feline friend, are the lobby of a hotel right now: there’s a revolving door between you and the rest of your world. People are coming in, some are leaving, a couple might be stuck in the door not knowing which way they’re going. Make the decision for them. You’ll have to be honest with yourself. You’re not always good at that, but be brave and be Nike: just do it.

VIRGO: It’s always nice to have things just the way you like them. But things can’t always be nice, can they? Especially when ‘nice’ is sometimes a stand-in for ‘the safe status quo because I’m reluctant to do anything else’. Get messy! Let yourself be a rumpled-up imperfect being, sweet Virgonians! 

LIBRA: You’ve been eating way too much pie. I mean we all love pie, who doesn’t love pie? But there’s too much of a good thing going on here, Libra. You need to get back to the other important things in life otherwise when you look up from the crust crumbs and blueberry smears, there’ll be nothing waiting.

SCORPIO: I’m gonna level with you, Scorpions: you’re pissing everybody off lately. It’s great that you have so much confidence, but true real confidence means that you show interest in other people as well as talking about your many, many accomplishments. 

SAGITTARIUS: The way you’ve been casting around for new interests, characteristics, and -- let’s face it -- a solid, defined personality, can feel a little sad sometimes. But don’t lose sight of your end goal! It’ll be worth it when you can have a conversation with friends without being defensive the entire time.

CAPRICORN: There’s being moody, and then there’s using that as an excuse to be short and snippy with everybody. Quit wallowing! Throw yourself into some new hobby (and remember, people are not hobbies and most of them don’t need your suggestions for ‘improvement’).

AQUARIUS: When things change for you, they change fast. Make sure, Water Babies, that the current doesn’t sweep you out to the open ocean and leave you floundering. Wear your pool floaties at all times and take some damn swimming lessons to be safe.

PISCES: My little Fishie friends, you have an unfortunate tendency to think that you’re helpless to get out of the shallow mud flats, when in fact a little effort will get you into clear, moving water where you can actually progress. There’s no need to stay stuck if you don’t want to.