The Bather

Jasper Johns in the Met. 

My last day in the States. I’ve accepted that this trip has been so different. And eyeopening. I wrote to my friend that maybe this was the best way to find the flaws in my relationship. 

I feel embarrassed and stupid. Like everyone’s in on it except for me. I want to come to New York under different circumstances. I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing, in terms of work. 

But I have to trust myself. I have to trust him. We’ve been in this beautiful loving relationship for more than 3 years. I have to trust that in that moment he did what he felt was was the best choice. But the thing is, I don’t think what he feels is always the right thing. We’ve been here before and have always done it his way. I think we need to look for a way to do it differently because his way only hurts me. I’m scared that he will not care. That I’m a loser for caring. That all this stress is for nothing. Or something that only I and no one else cares about. 

These are my goals for when I get home:

- I want him in my life but only if we could find another way for him to deal with these fears. 

- I want to get rid of my anxiety. It is holding me back from doing everything I love to do. 

- I want to connect with likeminded people. 

- I want to be happy. 

I went to the Met. My favorite museum. They had an exhibition with Seurat’s paintings. And I got a picture of Jasper John’s White Flag. 

That’s how I feel now. Like I’m in the sideshow and everybody’s in on it. I try to stay positive. But the feeling that only bad things are waiting for me at home and everything I’ll do will just be about the avoiding and not think about all the bad things that are waiting. My whole journey feels hijacked. And I feel embarrassed and weak. Everyone else would just be able to shrug it off and here I am trying to make sense of it all. Needing to make sense of it all. Feeling like I’m slow and everybody’s in on it.

I’ve thought this a lot during my travels. I wanted to leave the first week I arrived. I felt I made a mistake. It always feels like that when I’m moving to a new place. During my trip I felt a lot of pressure. What would other people do? I should always go out to dinner. I shouldn’t stay in. I tried to let it go a little but the breakup brought that all back up again. 

I went to a Risk! show tonight. Heard the best stories: A guy that went to Paris with his band. He felt life couldn’t get any better as he looked down on the Paris streets. The idea of suicide crossed his mind but he didn’t do it. The next day he went back home to Brooklyn and when he landed the terrorist attacks just happened. And a man died on the streets he looked down on the evening before. Another guy told about his high school experience. How he was in love with a depressed girl. And almost committed suicide because of it. And a woman, married to a Dutch guy. (Yes I cheered) She spoke about her fertility struggles. She cried. Asking why bad things happen when she’s a good person. Everyone asked honest questions. They showed their humanity and were very brave. 

I don’t feel depressed anymore. Not like I used to. But this trip has made me very sad. It feels like I’ve got it all wrong. Like I’m going to be left behind. I’m happy that I can just go home and crawl into my clean nice smelling bed. Nervous for what the future will bring. 

Meet me in Montauk

I didn’t make it to Montauk. The J wasn’t going to Jamaica so I missed the train by a few minutes.

I was thinking about my visit to New York. I would like to come here again. Without all the bullshit. The bullshit ruined my stay. 

I felt sad. Frustrated. I felt angry. 

It feels like I’m the only person caring about this relationship. But not anymore. I had such nice conversations with the bartender at the Factory. Invited them to Amsterdam. 

My life is starting. It’s starting right now. And all the bullshit.. Fuck ‘em. 

In Washington. 

I woke up at 4 in the morning. There was something with the metro so had to wake up extra early. That’s New York for you.

Washington was beautiful. I wanted to see Yayoi Kusama’s light installation but you had to buy a day pass beforehand. Too bad. Walked around the Hirshhorn Museum. Saw all the great monuments. 

Then I walked all the way up 14th NW to eat at the dive bar Red Derby. Met great people and had nice conversations. 

I took so many pictures. I don’t know. Proof that I’d been there. Like I said I want to remember everything from this trip. Every thought. Every feeling. Everything. 

I arrived in New York around 2 o’clock in the morning and it took me 2 hours to get to Brooklyn. So today I was very tired. Called my mother. 

 I still feel a lot of stress when thinking about going home. But I need to remember that my life has so many beautiful things. I look forward to playing my new game with friends. I also live around the corner from all my friends. Keep myself busy by making my house pretty. Don’t forget that I have a lot to look forward when I go home. I can adjust to my new house and start my new life in Amsterdam. I’m scared. I’m fucking scared. To come back. But I can do it.

Hirshhorn Museum in Washington

I left for Washington D.C.. It was nice to clear my head since the day before I was crying in the Platform. The people there were so nice to me. The guy, I think his name is Steven, brought me some water and napkins.

When I called my mother crying I told her I couldn’t do it anymore. It feels like my ex keeps pushing me away whenever he is unsure about the future. I didn’t want to deal with all the disappointment that would likely be waiting for me at home. The whole time I’m thinking I’m doing something wrong. Or there has to be something wrong with our love. But I’m doubting this more and more. When I try to explain our relationship to people they seem confused. 

We met and we were good together. But he seemed to be a little hesitant to have relationship. He told me on a drunken night that he did want to be monogamous but didn’t want to call me his girlfriend. I felt confused by this and the way he approached it. But accepted it and enjoyed our time.

After a while I felt we were in limbo. I wanted to be with someone that’s proud to be my lover. And I should want that. We decided to part ways after our trip to Berlin. On our last nights he told me he loved me and admired me. I was confused but we made the decision. If there was something there it will happen.

Occasionally we spoke but it got too confusing for me. Did he love me or not? Because it didn’t feel like we were just friends. One night I dared to ask him. Would you like to try again? He said he admired my courage. But that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. And he didn’t want to lose me. 

Ok, so friends. I was going to try to be his friend. He gave a party and I decided to just go. Leave my pride behind and whatever happened happened. It would be good to see him hook up with another girl. It would confirm our friendship. But that evening was the beginning of a great summer together. I asked him if we were together. He felt we were but said we should just say we’re monogamous. I firmly told him that was ridiculous. He hesitated but agreed. We were together. He did look sad about something.. After his party I went to London for a week. During that week my best friend had her birthday party. He told me he hooked up with her sister during that night. I was hurt but I can’t explain the amount of love I felt. 

And I’m happy that we stayed together. Because our relationship was beautiful.

Then came the time for me to move. I wanted to move in together and we discussed it. He seemed to be up for it but later changed his mind. I felt rejected but living together wasn’t a confirmation of our commitment. We were committed and have a deep love for each other. 

Last summer we traveled and it was amazing. Coming back home was hard. I was very busy and to make matters worse he got depressed. I think I handled it well. But I already wrote about the difficulties.

And now it’s over. Something we both felt was so strong is over. All that’s waiting for me at home is disappointment. I didn’t want to deal with it. I told my mother I was done. That I want to call him and tell him to just bring my stuff to my house. To never have to see him again. My mother told me to keep calm: Give him space, talk when you’re both at home and see what happens. She told me his actions are a bit strange. He told her a few days before the breakup that he missed me and I was gone too long. This also confused me. After the breakup I wanted to know where he started to lie. Where didn’t I pick up the clues? Why does he feel and say all these things but push me away? Did he lie? Did I make a mistake? But he told me he didn’t lie. 

And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the love we share. I think it’s him. Right now there’s a lot going on in his life. But I know, I just know, that the love we share for each other is real. And I don’t want to pretend anymore.The anxiety is becoming a problem. I didn’t need to live together or even get married to know he loves me and is committed. But I don’t want to be hurt every time I leave or there’s some insecurity in his future. I also don’t want to pretend we’re friends when I know we’re not. 

While everyone around me expresses their feelings of empathy. For me. And for him. It feels like people around him seems to blame me.

I imagine the friend, that acted like a Regina George, feeling excited. Having him available for his best friend. Last night I dreamt she told me she had always hated me.

His mother blaming our beautiful relationship for his suicidal thoughts. And his grandmother not understanding her iPad but understanding it enough to delete me from her contacts.

It makes me feel like I’m the only person rooting for us. I'm the only person in the world that sees the honesty in our friendship. As if it was all something something I made up.

I want to safe every memory. Every thought of this trip. Record it. So I can look at it in the future.

I have a skype date with my teacher today. Yesterday I send him my text explaining my fear of failure. That I do’t feel not good enough.

I went out for a drink with a fellow Airbnb’er Abby. She asked about my tattoo: Defaillance humaine. Abby asked my why I would put something so harsh on my body. Some people may think it’s dark. My ex’s family asked me about it. It felt like they were judging me. His mother asked me how old I was when I got the tattoo. It wasn’t very nice.

A quote from the movie Stay inspired me:

Bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art, because it documents human failure.

Mike’s for daaays.

The footage of yesterday was a lot less nice than the footage of the first day. I will record the audio again. So lucky to be working with myself. 

I felt pretty today. And very good. 

I have to write an essay about my school career. Today I wrote about my insecurities. I love being creative but my anxiety holds me back. It’s a vicious circle where I see myself stressing and tensing up. But I can’t do anything about it. My blood rushes. I start to sweat. My mind is blank. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. And everyone knows it.

I saw a message today. My ex’s grandmother left an online group I never knew I was part of. I send her a postcard before I we broke up. I don’t think I can get used to this. It hurts. They just throw you away. 

Throwing away some weight.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life now and before I went to the art academy. I’m working on a new play that where I say goodbye to my younger self. Yesterday I read the email V. send me after we broke up. To torment myself. I can look at my mistakes and think that I do everything wrong. But a few months after this horrible break up V. actually contacted me, begging me to take him back. I send him an email back and this is a part of the email I wrote:

“...You had me and now the love I once felt for you is gone. You had me. 

Your text reminded me of a lot of things. It reminded me that I’m not weird for giving a 100% in a relationship, but the people who I’ve been in a relationship with were the weirdos. I want to be with someone who perfectly matches me. Who knows what he has without the need to lose me. 

And that person isn’t you. It never has been you.”

When I love, I really love. And I shouldn’t feel bad for it. I was ready for a relationship then and V. wasn’t. I’m ready for a relationship now but my current ex isn’t. That’s about the only thing they have in common. I can blame myself for being a romantic but I’ve been madly in love twice before. And I handled it pretty well. I’ve earned the right to trust myself now too. 

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Today was sooo sunny. I wanted to film so I went to the park in the morning. But sunny and Sunday. So it was crowded. I spotted a tea towel at the Queens Museum but changed my mind due to the price: $20. I want to buy something nice for my sisters new house. 

I will go to the park in the morning. I’ll go to bed early and wake up as soon as I can to catch the nice sun. I thought it would be nice to have more people in the background. To give a little depth to the image. 

Ok so this is the plan: I’m going to shout: Welcome to the U.S.A. (or something) from far away). Then I will introduce the theme in closeup. I think that will be a lot better. 

I read an email from my ex V. He send it 5 years ago after we broke up. He was also depressed and told me that everything we shared was a lie. That he didn’t love me, that he hated how I hated all my flaws. The last one hurt the most. V. was such a user, I never experiences this level of dishonesty in people. You would think that I have a kink for guys with mental issues. Nowadays I prefer my men sane with a weird twist but I think that mental issues are a lot more common than people think. V. is very different than my latest ex but depression really changes someone. I think the best assumption is that we will never see each other again, except for exchanging out stuff. 

I emailed a lot of people this week. Really looking forward to going home. My phone being broke feels like a lift. i don’t know. Whatsapp gives me the same feeling as Facebook. The pressure of what people think of me. 

Very happy. :) To be honest this was the highlight of my week. Haha. Night Vale was fun but having these games..

I think it reminds me of all the fun evenings I will have. Laughing and shouting in my cool new apartment. Really looking forward to that. The Brooklyn house I’m staying in makes me moody AF. I really hate it here. 

Today I did absolutely nothing. I was so tired and will go filming tomorrow. My phone is still broken. But I think I can connect my lavelier mic to my laptop. If I buy a zoom I also have to buy a connector and buying more equipment would be a waste. I want to buy some souvenirs and presents.

Oh, I thought the lens size of my 24mm lens and 50mm lens were the same. But they aren’t so I can’t switch my ND filter between the lenses. 

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Really looking forward to going home. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible on this page. Today I thought this trip was horrible. The thing I dread is seeing peoples faces when they hear I went to this beautiful city. I had enough money to do everything I want to do. (Luckily, I’m not a big spender) I dread having to cheerfully say that it was amazing. That it was so cool. And it was. But that wasn’t everything.

What I don’t tell you is that traveling alone teaches you something about yourself in a way you never thought it would. And would I do it again? With what I know now? I would do it differently. Would it stop me from going? I think I would hesitate a little more. To be honest: everything that has happened here would have happened at home as well. The friend that totally turned into a Regina George would have also ignored me in Amsterdam. I don’t know if my boyfriend would have broken up with me in Amsterdam but it wouldn’t have been good. And I would still be alone. I had the feeling that his depression stole my buddy and he’s not giving him back. 

But the biggest thing I learned is that I don’t want to be lonely. Being able to share beauty and love with kindred spirits makes me less lonely. I think about making new friends back home but am afraid that wanting a deep connection freaks people out. Maybe it’s kind of like dating. You find a cool person, you hang out a couple of times and then you get dumped, like the Regina George. 

Tonight I went to Night Vale’s All Hail show in the Bell House in Brooklyn. Musical guest was Erin McKeown. Her stage presence was amazing, I wrote her an email thanking her. 

Today I recorded the voiceovers with my 2 microphones. Figuring out which one sounds better. Maybe I should to buy a new microphone. I would like a warm intimate sound. I also need to look for someone to mix my audio. Audio will be soo important.

I’m still very bad at focussing. It is so difficult to see. I don’t think I get it. 

I went to Koreatown again to eat spicy squid again. I also picked up a souvenir for my friend that said: I love Korea. 

I think I have collected a lot of material to edit “the streets of NYC” part. 

Today I filmed at the butterfly conservatory in the Natural History Museum. Cost me $22 even though I have an ICOM card. I didn’t feel so happy. It was a good working day.

Focussing is still hard, even though I work with Magic Lantern. It did help a lot. But it could be helpful to have the distance a little more accurate. I don’t know how much of my footage is usable.

This week I’ve been talking to a lot of people about my ex and our relationship. Trying to figure out what I should do. Being in a relationship with a depressed person is very ungrateful. There is no space for your feelings. The idea of disappointing you makes them overly emotional and you don’t want to ruin the happy moment. You keep marching and being positive, because you’re the cheerleader for your team. You don’t have the headspace to process seeing someone you love disappear. To process it that someone you love so much tells you they think about killing themselves. There was no time to talk. We had to breakup right away. We’ve broken up. There isn’t any time for your feeling: they are having a hard time. And in the end everybody sees you as the girl that’s just hung up on her ex and doesn’t think about herself. How did we get here?

Today I edited some footage, while still working on the script. I think I have te be careful that it doesn’t get messy. That there is consistency in the footage. I like working like this. Perform. Edit. Perform. Edit. It’s hard for me to see the big picture when I’m editing. That’s what I like about theatre. You can try and then do it again. There is no end result. With film there is. There’s only 1 chance to do everything right. You have to exceed on that moment. This is why working alone is also a plus. I don’t need anybody when I want to go out again. So I will be filming at the Unisphere for a 3rd time. But I like perfecting it.

Things I would like to change during next shoot:

- Sound: Talk softer. I’m using RecForge with my Lav+. I seem to be unable to change the recording levels. The noise from my Rode VideoMic on my camera seems to be less than when I was filming on the roof. 

- Visually: Other outfit. Or other jacket. Maybe a little bit more elegant. I should wear a more tightly fitted jacket. Als the background is overexposed. I do like the gold screen on my skin. 

Luckily, I can use music and the footage for my Bachelor viewing. I’m wondering about the footage. I can use the footage if I credit the owner? We’ll see. I can at least use it for school. And figure out the rest later. I still have so much to do. It’s so hard to kill my darlings. So much has happened in U.S. history that ties my leading artists together. 

I love, love, love working this way. Being able to go back and forth. Perfect the footage. Have a discussion in my head with myself. I missed this. 

I went filming today. I think everything is still a bit messy but i don’t know. I kind of like it. I like to be spontaneous. Maybe wear anther jacket. I don’t know. Maybe I will do this again. Uugh. I have a long time to do it over. 

I think it’s over exposed. But will fix this in the edit. 

Dan Flavin

I love Dan Flavin’s installations. I went to Dia:Beacon today. The architecture of the huge building was made for the sculptures. Everyone who doesn’t understand the work of Judd or LeWitt. Go see this museum.

Flavin reminds me of him. Everywhere in my life I’m reminded of him. I feel confusion because what does it mean to go on with my life? Is my life on halt? I keep waiting, waiting for my life to start.. But to be honest, I think that’s bullshit. My life is happening.