𝐶𝑒𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑎𝑙 𝐶𝑎𝑓𝑒́

SCENARIO 1: OH DEAR GOD

A classic situation, late to work, running across halls of people trying to get to the destination before you risk getting fired. Elevator. BAM you're finally in, standing there...waiting.. Uh oh. Why did it stop.

ITS BEEN A WHILE WHY ISNT THE ELEVATOR..ELEVATING??? oh you're so fired. "Oh? is this thing broken or something? I've got something important to get to." Oh. Some ginger in the elevator is being whiny, wasn't he that guy who tried fighting an officer here once? Childe? You dont know nor care you just want out of the elevator. Then another voice speaks up- "Perhaps if we simply slashed the walls we could escape?"

Im sorry WHAT. you stop the stoic young lady next to you right there and say "Haha I dont think thats how it works, maybe it'd be best if we just-you know-screamed for help? Maybe someone will hear us"

"Not a bad idea!" says the ginger. "I do think that it may be better if the screams were genuine no? After all, a true cry for help is sure to be louder than a fake one." Why is he smiling like that. and WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? IS THIS NOT A TRUE CRY FOR HELP?? I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE??

"Hm. I concur, well then, I can help with that" woah woah woah WHAT IS SHE DOING??? WAIT IS THAT THE MUSUO NO HITOTAICHI?? SHES THE GOSHDARN RAIDEN SHOGUN?? "THIS OPPORTUNITY IS QUITE HARD TO COME BY-"

SCENARIO 2: WHY

Man. Its been a long day. Your legs hurt after several hours of work, and youre looking forward to having a lovely break at your favorite cafe. Now to just wait to get there in this elevator with oddly relaxing music.

Huh. Its been a while, kinda tired of standing here. Meh, time must feel slower since its been a tiring day.

Ok this is a bit too long. What the archon is going on. This isnt relaxing anymore. A blonde man next to you taps hit foot onto the floor furiously fast. he sighs "whats taking so long..this can't be right" A shorter man next to him looks up and says "hm. maybe this elevator could use some motivational quotes"

uh. wtf?? why would an elevator ne-"that way we could help it feel more uplifting."

in a distant area a young man with long ears shudders. "Are you alright master??" a young girl worryingly asks "Im alright, thanks Collei. Though it feels like something horribly wrong just happened..."

"Uplifting" the blonde haired mans expression quickly disintegrates. Dear god why. we could possibly be in a life threatening situation and this guy is JOKING?? ok. youre calm. you dont have the energy to pani-"what? not funny? I thought it was funny on several levels." I will not smack a stranger i will not smack a stranger i will no

"Kaveh. You're an architect no? Surely you at least have an idea as to whats wrong with this contraption." god this tall guy has the energy of a darn wikipedia page. "Hey this is Fontainian technology! You can't just expect me to know everything." The blonde says in an annoyed tone. "Hmph. I didn't ask where this was from, it's quite obvious in that matter. I simply wanted to know if you knew whats wrong, but I guess the amazing Light of the Kshahrewar can't answer simple questions." dang this tall guy shows no mercy "GRR..YOU..." the short joker suddenly speaks "Alhaitham, Kaveh, stop fighting here we're in an elevator."

the blonde sighs "youre right cyno-this really isnt the place to fight-and in front of a stranger too--though dont blame me for his insults!"

"Oh thats not what i meant" cyno says "its just..elevators arent the place to put each other down, rather we should lift each other up. get it?" the blonde man is now screaming. not even the archons save our souls.

SCENARIO 3: STOP.

Yae Miko called you up..said there was something important she needed..well, this cant be good. Its pretty nice that an elevator to the shrine was made though, no more being victim to the pains of walking up stairs! Surely nothing can go wrong!

In you go, followed by a two people with hats..one of them has a ridiculously large hat-hopefully the elevator doesn't get too crowded! As the door starts to automatically close, a tall guy with horns holds the doors open and gets inside..well there goes the hopes of the elevator not being crowded.

Ah..what was that sound? something screeching? scratching? cant tell...hopefully theres nothing wrong with the elevator! The girl dressed in black starts to speak in a cheerful tone "oh oh! that sound, quite a spooky effect to the ears! almost reminds me of a ghost story i once heard!" upon hearing the word ghost the red horned guy starts to shiver.."GH-GHOST??? nonononoono no NO. this totally has nothing to do with ghosts at all aha..hah..haha....."

"oh please," the guy with the big hat speaks in an annoyed tone "spare the storytimes. I don't think any of us want to hear paragraphs of a story that means nothing in reality." huh. This guy must be fun at parties!

"Aiya I see we have a bitter pill to swallow here! Could it be that you are afraid you may get scared-?" The girl says teasingly-she clearly loves to spook people huh..the hat guy speaks up "Hah. You wish, go on, say your stupid story. I'm sure nobody will give it the slightest thought afterwards. In one ear, out the other."

You beg to differ as the white haired guy continues to tremble-who knows what he's going through but you can tell he won't last long once the story begins..speaking of which-looks like the girl in black is about to start saying her story..

Family events are never fun. Especially when the hot topic always comes back to your dating life. You wish that for once they would talk about sometime other than when you’ll be bringing a boyfriend home. That one uncle doesn’t even talk about politics anymore.

“So when are you getting a boyfriend?”

“Yknow all your other cousins are engaged right?”

If only they knew a majority of marriages end in divorce. It’s not like you don’t want to be in a relationship, waiting for the right person is a solid move. What happens if you “find the one” prematurely and something terrible happens? Like breaking your heart or cheating on you. So whenever it comes up you just try and change the subject as best you can. The most effective way usually is asking your dad dumb sports questions. Questions that are obvious on the surface, but will get him talking for 10 minutes so you can leave.

You wonder how they haven't caught on yet, but then again your personal love life is none of their business. Getting an actual boyfriend seems like too much work. Paying one of your friends seems like a solid option, but your family already knows all of your friends. There has to be some way to get someone to pretend to be your boyfriend.

Then it clicked. 

You remember having seen a really old book in your grandmom’s attic about the occult. Why not just summon a random demon to dupe your extended family into thinking you finally found love? There are many things wrong with that, but running the options through your head it seemed like the simplest. Making a simple blood contract will beat having to meet new people any day.

The instructions were quite clear. Recite a simple incantation after writing your intentions on a blank parchment paper in red ink. All of which had to be performed in a dark room with a mirror on a full moon. The only problem is the only room in your house with a mirror big enough is the bathroom. Hopefully, the demon doesn't mind being summoned into a bathroom. 

The only real negative here would be accidentally summoning a malicious spirit that would haunt the house. But then you remembered you live alone. So what if a spirit inhabits your house? It can’t be that hard to ignore it. That was the last piece of encouragement you needed. That demon is getting summoned.

You shoot your mom a text saying how you can’t wait to introduce your boyfriend to the family.

“I think I’m finally ready to introduce him to the family, we’ll be there for the next family dinner.”

The look on her face would have been priceless. Everybody thinks that you don’t have a boyfriend, and while that is correct soon it will be partially correct. The full moon is tonight and dinner is in two days. There was one thought that lingered in the back of your head.

What if the demon doesn’t cooperate with you?

What if it doesn’t want to enter a contract with you? That can’t happen, right? 

Worst case scenario you’ll just hire somebody. You make your way to the bathroom, holding the supplies in hand. Candles litter around the sink and you light them before the lights are turned off. 

The dull glow illuminates the room just enough so you can see what you’re doing. You pick up the piece of parchment to write down what you want from the demon.

“Allow me to summon a demon here to pretend to be my boyfriend” it’s very straightforward, but it gets the job done. The red ink drips on the paper looking akin to blood. “I hope this works” you murmur to yourself. 

The incantation falls from your lips like it’s second nature. A sudden chill drifts through the air. Your bathroom has no windows, so you conclude that something must be going on. 

The candles suddenly went out, leaving the room engulfed in darkness. Feeling the temperature drop heavily, you lightly shiver to try to acclimate to the chilly room.

A faint glow can be made out from the corner of the bathroom mirror. Two small blue circles standing directly behind you. The candles flickered on again, leaving you wondering what you just got yourself into. “Startled by candles love? Please, that's the oldest trick in the book” a voice calls out to you. You turn around, facing where the blue light is coming from. The figure gives a slight chuckle, seeing your exasperated state. Warm ginger hair and freckled skin can be made out on the being. 

You grasp around the room trying to find the light switch, but before you can find it the lights are turned on already. A slender hand grasps yours, shaking it lightly. “I am the demon Known as Tartaglia, but you can just call me Ajax, sweetie” he shoots you a small wink, giving you just enough time to analyze his figure. 

He’s a little taller than you and has to look down slightly. However, he does have this sort of attractive air to him with a small smile present. “So I heard you wanted a demon to pretend to be your boyfriend. It takes guts to summon one of us.” You’re unable to say anything, so you stay silent. You don’t wanna start stuttering and embarrassing yourself. “What’s your name hun?” Ajax breaks the silence, startling you a bit. You didn’t even notice that he had moved you into your living room, sitting you both on the couch. Are you that entranced by him? Sure he was conventionally attractive, but could you fall in love with a demon? 

“Are you gonna answer me? I don’t have all day sweetheart” his voice snapping you out of some thoughts. “Oh sorry, my name is-“ he suddenly cuts you off by pressing his finger lightly to your lips. “Never mind honey, I’ll just keep using these cute little names” Ajax’s hand goes to cup your cheek as his other hand you a small tablet. “We stopped using blood contracts years ago. We do everything digitally now” gesturing you to go ahead and sign your name, his hand leaves your cheek and goes to hold around your lower back. 

Maybe it’s the touch-starved part of you talking, but part of you wants to lean into his touch more. His hair framed his as he leans into you, frowning slightly at the sight of the unsigned contract. “Just sign here and I’ll give you whatever you want” did they send a flirty demon by accident or did he read your intent?

“I have a quick question.” He hums in response. You place your finger on the tablet getting ready to sign it. “Did you know my intent, or are you just flirty 24/7?” He laughs, not sure if you were serious. You give him a confused look and put the tablet down. “No, we can’t. When we’re being summoned we have no idea what the summoner will ask for” 

Ajax’s Demeanor changes into a slightly darker one as he grins. “Well, what did you have in mind sweetheart?” He leans into your ear, using his taller figure as an advantage. You shake your head feeling embarrassed. “It’s a silly reason really” he looks curious now, and his interest peaked.

“I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend so my family will stop bothering me” 

“Well that’s not what I was expecting, but I’m interested.

You had a feeling that’s what he was going to say. From his actions and suggestive way of speaking, you speculated he wasn’t gonna say no. You pick up the tablet and don’t bother reading any of the fine print. Normally that’s not a very good idea, but you were desperate. With that, you sign your name at the bottom and hand it back to Ajax.

He takes it from your hands and smiles. “Thanks, hun, now I hope you know you can’t get rid of me now. It says in the fine print” Yup, you should have read it. Now you’re stuck with him for presumably all eternity. 

“Any particular reason you resulted to summoning demons to fix this problem?” He was amused, demons probably don’t get many requests like this. “It seemed easy” you replied without a second thought. “Any boyfriendly duties I have to perform for you?” His hand was back around your waist, gripping it lightly. The tablet was gone, and the sun had started to come up. “Well, I do need you to attend this family dinner with me.” 

“Seems easy enough, how hard can that be?”

-

You stand in front of your parent’s door, splitting headache due to the chaos you’re sure is about to ensue. “You remember the story right?” Ajax squeezes your hand lightly as reassurance and gives you a small smile. “Of course, you’ve said it to me a hundred times sweetie” you take a deep breath in and knock on the door with your free hand. 

“Oh look who it is! The boyfriend is here too!” Your mom exclaims, and the rest of the family crowds the door. Maybe you should have warned him how large your family is. “Mama stop, that’s embarrassing.” You swat your hand at her and your dad interjects. “Oh nonsense, your mom is just proud of you that’s all!” He laughs. Ajax doesn’t really do much except smile and nod with occasional answers. He left most of the talking to you. 

Perhaps he likes the sound of your voice. He does subtle romantic things like resting his hand on your thigh and playing with your hair. You’re getting quite used to him and this dinner is going great. On the plus side your parents seem satisfied, and let you two leave without any quarrels.

“So what do you think?” You turn to him after you leave the house. Ajax grabs both of your hands and holds them tightly in his, smiling. 

“I think I’m gonna enjoy being your boyfriend”

“What part of fake did you not understand?”

“Do you want this to be fake?”

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ alhaitham.

alhaitham knows he is in a position of power. he could make kingdoms fall, take down several nations with the resources at his fingertips and not many could stop him

and he also knows, he just got even more powerful. the sages have always known about the chosen vision holders by their creator and dearly hoped that one of the scholars would get chosen soon, in order to gain more power, literal and political

their dreams came true, but it's too late. alhaitham is a chosen one and as the acting grand sage, no one dares to command him

when he should get his papers done, clean up the chaos the previous grand sage left behind, the creator takes him and other vision holders all across teyvat, especially sumeru and let's them run around

he doesn't remember how many chests he opened, how many miles he walked across the desert, fighting and killing monsters, while the other chosen ones chatter with each other, as if it's normal to explore the rainforest in one moment and the desert in the next one

his teammates change, always fitted for the task. so he gets to know a wandering samurai, kaedehara kazuha who eases their work by gathering enemies together with a single flick of his blade. then there's zhongli, the legendary geo vision holder, one of the first to ever be blessed. his shield holds strong and true, while he and the raiden shogun, the electro archon herself slaughter the enemies with ease

alhaitham gets to know them and even dares to say he made friends with both kazuha and zhongli, both of them having their ways with words and extremly knowledgable in their fields

and sometimes, children appear. klee, a child from mondstadt, xingqiu, a noble young man from liyue and kuki, a young woman from inazuma

alhaitham gets to know them, all while the creator guides the group through teyvat, their blessings making ordinary people mutter in awe, seeing blessed vision holders up so close

it's certainly an experience, hearing the creator's thoughts, their comments on the weirdest things, their own world and theirs. he has to admit, even if he never dares to say it out loud, the creator is wise and has an insane amount of knowledge gathered. they seem to find solace in the vision holders who are as well, and alhaitham can't help but puff his chest, feeling oddly prideful at the thought

he's honored to be one of the chosen vision holders, even if it means more work for him

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ cyno.

cyno is silent, when he gets chosen by the creator, by their creator. cyno is silent, when he receives his weapon, the scrolls and three crowns. cyno is silent, when the first group of blessed vision holders greet him with smiles on their faces. he's also silent, when he hears the thoughts of the creator

he watches with keen eyes, electro vision bright, when they hunt enemies, monsters and 'world bosses', as their creator says. he watches how commissions are done, running across the sumeru rainforest and later the desert as well

he watches, as he opens dozens of chests, books and gems spilling across the floor and he picks them up, in disbelief that he's here

the creator is generous, gifting each of them with a powerful weapon, fitting artifacts and making sure to put them in compatible teams, ensuring safety of each member while also making sure that they can breeze through their enemies

cyno is honored to be blessed, to be one of the chosen ones, chosen by their creator. even after he finds out they're not exactly chosen, even their creator doesn't have that much power, always cursing the deity called 'hoyoverse'. it makes his brain hurt, to think too much about this and so he doesn't

it's none of his business, heavenly and godly matters, and so he cares about the mortal ones. such as making sure that no one of his team gets hurt, fully knowing they're very skilled as well

to keep the heavy thoughts at bay, he cracks jokes, making the blessed children laugh with him and the adults shaking their head with a heavy sigh. cyno knows many people fear him, and some of the younger vision holders respected him, borderlining to fearing him, but the moment he opens his mouth, no matter how rare it is, their fear puffs into nothingness

it makes him smile, talking with the others, catching a break from his job as general mahamatra. there he could never be open like this, his subordinates too fearful of him

but that's fine, now that he's here, a chosen vision holder surrounded by fellow chosens all across teyvat

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ kamisato ayato.

he has been waiting to be chosen by you for a long time now. ever since his sister came home, an eternal glow to her whole person, new weapon and strength in her fragile hands

ayaka is one of the favorites, chosen to fight monsters all across teyvat, whisking her away from her usual duties

she's proud of it, to be chosen and blessend by their creator. his little sister wears the gifts with pride, the scrolls and artifacts, making her one of the strongest vision holders known to all nations

ayaka brings pride to the kamisato clan, as well political power. power he knows how to use, slowly spreading his influence, while the civil war continues to wage on

it's then, when fragile peace is now part of inazuma, it's then when he gets chosen as well. chosen to be wished. because everyone knows, their creator is not of this world and to achieve contact with her blessed ones, they must wish

the highest honor, after being throughly blessed by the creator, and ayato is now one of the few selected blessed mortals as well

his sister never told him how deep this connection goes, the creator's thoughts suddenly his own. he can hear them mumbling about something called 'pity', cursing and screaming at 'hoyoverse', while they grumble as he slowly gets stronger

he can feel it, the sudden surge of power, yet he has been nothing gifted yet. constellations, is what ayaka called it. connecting his soul, his whole being to a constellation and making him stronger with each star lighting up

and then, he suddenly has a weapon in his hand. tipped in blue, gold and white, the weapon starts to glow and ayato can feel the power. the weapon glows, the sword changing and becoming something legendary

his sister carries a sword called mistsplitter, purple blade glowing and he now too carries one. haran geppaku futsu, is what the creator calls it. a sleek sword, perfectly balanced and dipped in intense colors

deep in thought, he doesn't notice how his creator starts to bless him, strenght surging through his body. until he does, and ayato is left gasping, the sudden growth of power making his head spin

"there you go, looking really good, my beautiful man!" ayato just blushes, not believing his creator just said those words out loud

but he can't dwell on that, whisked away to liyue, hunting down monsters, while his sister fights right by his side. kaedehara kazuha is present as well, welcoming him with a soft smile and a dip of his head. there is also zhongli, as he introduces himself, a geo vision holder of liyue, one of the first blessed in whole teyvat

the next few days are spent with his creator ushering him and other vision holders all across teyvat, fighting in domains, doing commissions and opening chests

he's still in disbelief, when he was suddenly in the abyss, together with the shrine priestress kokomi, kazuha and his sister. he fights ordinary treasure hoarders, hilichurls and monsters of tales- monsters he would've never dare to fight

yet he does, the thoughts of his creator always heard, the screams of rage when they're unable to collect all stars in time, tired mumblings when they've been sitting in front of their 'pc', whatever this thing was, since hours now, making their thoughts sluggish and slow

he's honored, to be chosen and blessed, three crows and six constellations in his possession, a legendary sword in his hands, fighting for his creator

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thoma -> canning and preserving

there is only one season where thoma gets openly snippy with ayato and ayaka, and that is canning and preserving season

the windows and doors to the manor are thrown open, there's a pleasant breeze, the birds are chirping, thoma is humming a canning song that his folks taught him when he was younger

he is truly at peace when it comes to canning and preserving. the household knows that the kitchen needs to be reserved for him for a couple of days when the season comes around, an accommodation that they are very happy to make

special orders exotic fruits to experiment and play with. he'll dehydrate them, preserve them, just to see what he likes better. the local exotic fruit merchants know him well because of this, frequently sending letters to him when they get a new shipment in

and, of course, he isn't just doing it for himself. he has a mental list going of everyone's favorites. strawberry jelly and syrup for lady guuji, lavender melon spears for itto, sakura syrup for lord ayato and lady ayaka. sometimes he doesn't even need to ask what a person's favorite is, he just knows based off of his own observations about the person

despite how strict he is in the kitchen, it is a very peaceful time. ayato and ayaka frequently join him, quietly doing their work as he hops and hums around. they've picked up the tunes that he hums, humming along themselves on some occasion. and, of course, they are his first taste testers for new recipes... another reason why they willingly work in the kitchen during these times

diluc -> homesteading and animal keeping

no one knew how well diluc handled animals until one day, a cavalry horse managed to escape. absolutely none of the knights of favonius could catch it, watching in horror as it barrelled down the road. it was only master diluc who was able to catch it, quietly leading it back to its owners

and, of course, he had to scoff. "the knights of favonius can't even catch their own horses? perhaps you should better train them to avoid these situations. i'd hate to see a horse get injured because of your carelessness."

he'd secretly fed the horse a cookie to calm it down, but no one needs to know that

his farm is one of his biggest accomplishments, something he finds himself boasting about and getting flustered when he receives compliments on it

despite having numerous servants to handle things, he insists on waking up early to do the chores. making himself a cup of coffee, wandering out to check on the chickens, collect eggs, feed the horses and cows all before sunrise. it's peaceful to him, taking the time to pet each of his animals and go through his day's schedule with them. he knows that they can't understand him, but he likes to convince himself they can when they tilt his head at him

secretly loves giving the younger kids rides on his horses through the forest, especially during the early spring or late fall. he has the growth patterns of the local fruits memorized and makes sure they can take back a treat or two to their families

bakes bread as stress management, has a sourdough starter dating back to the cataclysm. it's a family heirloom at this point. will probably hunt you down if you ruin it.

baizhu -> the folk doctor (modern AU)

now we all know how some old farts refuse to seek out healthcare when they need it. refusing to go to the doctors, claiming they don't need help, DIYing their treatments at home. "stubborn old fart," their doctor quietly grumbles under their breath, flipping through their chart once more

well, enter baizhu and his tricky way of getting them to take care of themselves with his soft words and "non-medicine" medicine. an herbalist by trade, his knowledge being passed down in his family for generations, he spends his days in his garden growing his own herbal remedies, preparing them in a local kitchen where he can properly sterilize everything.

is he a doctor? is he not? no one knows, but his treatments always work. and the elders trust him wholeheartedly, having earned the respect of the even town's doctors with his practices

everyone knows his friendly smile and soft demeanor, waving excitedly to him while he's out running his own errands. sometimes he'll be stopped on the street to be given a gift by a patient he helped, other times someone will flat out pay for his groceries or meal. whatever it is, he must always mentally prepare himself for a chatty grandparent to stop him and chatter about everything and anything when he goes out

his treatments are herbal in nature and preventative, oftentimes containing immune boosting properties and balancing deficiencies he can see in a patient based off their appearance. they mostly come in the forms of teas, broths, tinctures, and the occasional balms. he also leads tai chi, yoga, and low impact exercise groups to ensure his "patients" are keeping up with their movement

don't let him catch you at the local restaurant with a hearty southern breakfast, though. you'll get a scolding from the man, his hands on his hips as he disapprovingly tsks at you

pantalone -> berry picking and pie making

pantalone is allergic to blackberry thorns and brambles... very allergic

that does not stop him from picking blackberries to make himself blackberry pie, however.

his agents frequently scold him, like a child they caught in the candy jar. "lord pantalone, please let us take care of that for you," they sigh, every season. "no, it's nothing a bit of cream can't fix. besides, it's important to me," he responds every season, his hands and arms blotchy and red and burning

it is special to him, really. while growing up, his older brother baizhu would brave the elements to pick the sweet little gems, knowing how much his little brother loved them. it was always the best time of the year, the pair eating out of the basket and watching the sun go down over liyue harbor, chatting about everything and nothing.

but those days are long gone, a fond memory for pantalone that he tries to keep alive by himself. and now that he's older and significantly wealthier, he's taken up pie baking with the blackberries, creating the most intricate crusts. it's an art style, sandrone had mentioned one day, poking her head in to see her fellow harbinger cutting out leaves from the dough. the entire hall knows when he's baking, savoring the scent of vanilla and blackberries. and they know how to not disturb his work.