consistently inconsistent

Full of pain

Full of sadness

Full of grief

Full of confusion

Full of questions

of disappointment

of devastation

of betrayal

of love

Fully

broken

And yet empty

Void of joy

Void of warmth

Void of hope

Void of safety

Void of passion

of connection

of life

of love

of you

Entirely

lacking.

Despite my better judgement..

Despite every single voice in my head and in my life, I continue to have some semblance of hope that you will realize that it was a mistake. That leaving was a mistake. That choosing to never give us a true chance was a mistake. That letting go of everything that we had shared and felt for one another, was a mistake. That choosing someone else was a mistake.

I know that in hoping for this, I am making a mistake. It is a mistake to hope that you will want to be with me. It is a mistake to hope that you will miss lying next to me. It is a mistake to hope that you will miss the way I feel in your hands and how it felt to be in mine. It is a mistake to hope that you will see how wrong it is to not be laughing at all of our jokes with me. It is a mistake to hope that you will see how every moment we spend together feels cosmically correct. It is a mistake to hope that you will reach out to me and tell me how much of a mistake you made. It is a mistake to hope that you will apologize because you never will. It is a mistake to hope that you will come back to me. It is a mistake to hope that you will realize just how much you care for me. It is a mistake to hope that you will one day wholeheartedly accept that you are in love with me and cannot go one more day without me. It is a mistake to hope that you will tell me you love me because you do not love me. It is a mistake to hope for you. It is a mistake to want you. It is a mistake to love you.

All of this and more, I hope for.

And yet I know I need to let go because you already have. You are gone, and I am broken and in love, alone.