Diary Of A Lovers Heart

9:51pm 01.05.25 "Es Asi" by Wuicho Kun and Sam Vazquez on repeat

I have had the pleasure of falling in love with many men in my lifetime. Because i have had the opportunity to love so many men, of course, all in different ways, i have witnessed that many men would rather negate their feelings instead of living something so special. People are so worried about what their families, friends and society will think about them, that they will rather live a complete lie than risk it all and live life to the fullest. Love strong and without limits. If there is one thing that i would never do again is be in a down low relationship. If the man i am with cannot love out loud, I simply cannot be a part of his existence. I am not the one for him.

Every man that i have had the pleasure of falling in love for, i have loved with my entire soul. It's humorous to me when i think back. I put up with scraps of love because i believed that if i loved a man with all my might he would eventually see my worth. Sadly that is not how things came to fruition. The signs were always there. When the man i was with started feeling more feelings that they couldn't handle, instead of letting those feeling fill their being and living in the moment they would leave. Usually they would leave me for a girl, but they would always come back. They have all came back. Why? Because i loved unconditionally and with no limits. I showed them not only with words of confirmation and kindness, but with acts of love. The one phrase i always heard was, "she just didn't treat me like you did. She didn't love me the same way." Of course she didn't. Not because i am better but because i actually loved and cared for you. I just didn't appreciate you because you were good looking, I understood your potential, the magic you carried within you and i envisioned what a wonderful and powerful couple we could be.

How depressing to realize that i was worth returning to because you understood the amount of love i had for you, yet that was still not enough for you to take the plunge with me. Men will really put their happiness last just to prove to the world they are not what they feel. I am no one to force someone to live a lifestyle they are not ready to live. But at what point is your happiness going to take priority? When you're 90? On your deathbed looking back at the risks you should have taken? When all those people you were so frightened to let down are long gone and buried? When you realize that all those people you didn't want to let down ended up living their life to the fullest but you didn't because you were more afraid of what they would say? They didn't care about what you thought about them.

I just don't want to be 80 or 90 and look back on my life and say, "i never loved with all my heart." I know i have loved with my entire soul. There have only been three men in my life that i have fallen so utterly and unbelievably head over heels for. Each I loved in different ways and in different stages of my life, but I would have given it all for these men at that point in time when i knew them. I don't know if the day will come when that special person will finally see my worth. When all the heart breaks will make sense. When all the tears will add up. When all the "i love you's," i uttered will fall short. but i do know that i have so much love to give and i also know that there is so much love i want to be given and shown. The universe knows my desires and all the attributes I would like in my future life partner. But i don't think i could ever be with a closeted man again. No more situationships. I am done with wasting my time in that manner.

Men, don't waste your life being afraid to love anyone due to the fear of what others will think of you. Those people would not think twice about chasing their happiness and leaving you behind. Life is truly short and it slips through our hands like sand and water. Take those risks and let go of those that condition your happiness in order for them to stay in your life. Let them go. It might hurt at first but i promise you that a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and happiness will follow you from there on. Be your true self so you don't look back at life in your old age with regrets.

I don't regret loving all the men i have loved. Valuable lessons were learned and self worthiness and growth came from those heart breaks. They were part of life's seasonings that had to be added to my souls soup. Those experiences help shape that man i am today and taught me the characteristics that i will not tolerate in any type of relationships. I grew so much because of those men and for that i will forever be grateful.

Ariana Grande "Supernatural" on repeat 01.04.26

I don't know where to begin. There is so much I would like to type about. Well, here we are. 2025 came and went by so fast. I cannot complain, it was a pretty busy year. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful job. I have tons of days off but to be honest they are required because of all the stress i go through. I did not travel this year like i wanted, but i sure did take lots of little trips near by. I spent tons of time with my close friends and just lived life. I did go to the winery a lot and that is a plus. I feel to at peace when i go with my girls and we have a glass of wine and just vent about our week. I didn't go to Ollies as much this past year. My ride or die got all boo'd up so i lost my bar friend. It think it was the best outcome for the both of us.

I'm finally coming to terms with my age and how fast life is passing me by. My 30's flew by so fast. It's a bit scary to see that the older you get time begins to move by faster. I can finally see my mother getting older and that scares me so much. She is not as fast as she use to be. I try to spend as much time as i can with her and take as many pictures as i can. My dad as well, he's much older and i can see it in his hands and face. My parents might be old but they live their life to the fullest. At the moment they are in Mexico at our home in Mexico City. Every year they spend a couple months there and then fly back. I can't wait to retire and do the same.

2025 started with a love interest, but i decided that i was not ready for a relationship. I ended up asking him to be my friend instead. He was a bit confused, but i told him that even though he was a wonderful man i just didn't see myself with him. I wanted to be honest with him from the beginning and not lead him on. He eventually understood and we have stayed friends. After him i had an adventure here and there but nothing serious. For the first time in a long time i am not looking for love. I want to form a connection before i even think about falling in love. Plus a need a man that is accomplished and with his head on his shoulders. I am done trying to build a bear (build a man).

Work has been overwhelming at times. There are days where i forget to take breaks and lunches because of all the paperwork that needs to be done and then managing a team of 13 employees and making sure everyone has their schedules turned in and are on task with what they are doing for the day is daunting. Yet, i cannot complain. I love what I do and it pays very well. I won't lie recently the workload has been much more than every before and it's time for another raise, but im sure the universe will provide.

As far as friendships go. I have been witnessing how my younger set of friends are arriving into their 30's and it brings me such joy to see how they are accomplishing things that at one point they only dreamed about. Some of my friends have gotten married, bought their first homes, opened up their first business and so on and i rejoice with them in their accomplishments. The friends close to my age, we all got promoted around the same time, each in our own field of work and we celebrated together those goals. It's so wonderful to see those you care about move up in life and achieve their dreams. That is what true friendships are about.

Life has just been so wonderful. I don't have everything i want, but the little i do makes life worth living. I am thankful for all the experiences that led to this point in time. I can only imagine the wonderful things that are still to come. I hope i am blessed enough to reach a old age and look back and smile at all the beautiful experiences that life has given me.

What's next? Good question, i have no clue. I have stopped doing the things i once loved to do like go hiking. I want to start doing that again, but i need a hiking partner. I want to take a long drive in my new car and go somewhere new and eat at new places and taste new foods. I want to organically meet my next heartbreak (lol) or my soulmate. I want to hold someone's hand and watch more sunrises and sunsets. I want to kiss someone passionately, but not just anyone. I want to drink more wine and stay home on rainy days and watch movies. I want to spend more time with my parents and enjoy their company. I want to have more family filled weekends and enjoy everyone's company. I want to have more bonfires with my friends on summer nights as we drink cold beer while we laugh and listen to music under the starlit sky. I want to celebrate not only my accomplishments but those of the people that surround me. I want to grow more as a person and continue to hold up my boundaries. I want to nap more and pamper myself more. I want to start going to the park and walking like i use to. That is what i want and hope for the upcoming year and years to follow. May the universe hear me.

In The End

Everything that has a beginning has an end. no matter how beautiful or how bad, it all has to end at one point. Sometimes i wonder why the universe sends certain situations our way. It's not always clear on why we have to live through situation and experiences. Sometimes it's obvious and those situations help us understand and grow as a person. Other times we may understand the lessons, but don't want to admit certains things because they bring a level of comfort and because ignorance is bliss. I have been asking and manifesting to the universe my desires and goals as a human and i had to make lots of changes for the universe to start gifting me with the requests i was manifesting for my life. But the universe just doesn't give. It send you lessons that one must pass and understand for it to see if you are prepared for the blessings it's willing to bestow on you.

For many years i could not detach the memory of Romeo from my mind. He lived rent free in my head. For years, there was not a day that went by that i did not think about him, and then on August 7th 2019 i met David at a coffee shop. I didn't understand it then, that the universe had sent David to be the healing i was pleading for to detach myself from the memory of Romeo. Many men had attempted to enter my life after Romeo Ghosted me, but i always compared them to the likeness of Romeo. I had placed Romeo on such a high pedestal that no matter what man attempted to get close, from the start, they just didn't measure up to the delusion that i had of him. As i sit here and look back on the day i met David, I realize that was not the case. I never once compared David to Romeo. From the start David began to unknowingly cover the wounds Romeo had left.

David reached out first over social media and soon we had each others numbers. He said "I love you first," and I still remember how i felt butterflies and how much i smiled and blushed when i read those words for the first time. He even wrote a song for me and dedicated a couple of others from his albums, (or at least he said they were dedicated to me, but now i wonder how many other people he said the same thing to). David would be so loving when we were together and from my point of view it seemed like he was sent from heaven during a time when i really needed that love. Sadly about three months in to this situationship things went south really fast. He began to stop messaging, we barely saw each other and eventually he told me he just wanted a friendship. I mean David's whole demeanor changed toward me during those times. I had fallen in love with this man by this point. I don't know if it was the universe, but at that point in time i remembered that David made me feel the same way Romeo did when he would leave me. So i decided to cut David off completely. We all know it is impossible to be friends with someone you love. It was either, risk it all together or nothing, and he chose nothing. He wanted to be selfish by asking to stay my friend and benefit from the beautiful way i treated him with nothing in exchange.

I remember i cried for many night but in the end i felt like i had made the correct decision. For the first time in years i put myself first. Months went by and the pandemic hit. I was working really hard on healing and changing who i was. I even started to forget David a bit. He wasn't constantly on my mind like at first. One day i got a text from David saying, "Are you still mad at me?" I remember I was sitting on my bed staring down at my phone and a huge smile just took over my face along with such a warm feeling. I don't know why, but i answered. It was something along the lines of "I was never mad at you, I was upset that you made me feel like you wanted more than a friendship..." He told me he was going through some rough times and he apologized. I let my guard down and let him back in. I eventually asked him why it was he just lost interest in me. David stated “I just figured I liked girls more than guys.” I didn’t believe it for a second, but I respected his decision. Little does he know one of his friends had told me a different story. I knew David’s truth, I knew he still loved me, but I let it be hoping that with time he would see how much I still loved him.

David continued to send "I love you's" and "i miss you." It made it really hard to seperate that love i felt for him and turn it into friendship. At first i tried really had not to send, I love yous and i miss yous in return, but eventually my feelings betrayed me and i sent them back because i honestly and wholeheartedly felt that way for David. With time David took me to his lookout point where we would watch the sunset over the San Joaquin Valley. I would take snacks and wine at times, and we would go up there very regularly. I always drove there and he would drive back. I would play with his hair and caress his beautiful face. We would talk about our dreams and goals on the drive back, and he would never forget to tell me how much he loved me. There came a point where David would just come over and we would lay in bed and i would just pass my finger tips over his face, tracing it and making a mental picture of his features. We’d lay there cuddling and I would take in every moment. He would fall asleep and i would stare at him breath softly. I use to love to see him sleep so peacefully. Out of all the times David and I spent together the most special time for me was not even when we were alone, it was when he invited me out to the movies with his sisters. I feel like meeting family is a whole new level. I was so nervous, but it was such a special moment for me to be let into such a private moment with his family. I was able to see a different side of David when he was around his sisters and I liked who he was. I also brought back delicious Mexican candy for his mother from my trip to Mexico and gifted it to her. I made sure I placed the candy in a flower pot and wrapped it with a big bow. David was nice enough to video record her opening her gift and send it to me. David mother looked so happy opening up her gift and it even made me cry, because in a small way, i was part of such a special moment between the two of them. I even wrote his mother a small letter that went along with the gift. David asks his mom to read read the letter and his mother tells him the letter says "Dice cosas bien bonitas que solo una persona buena y que de verdad te quiere, va a decirte esto de verdad." (It says very beautiful things that only a good person who truly loves you, would tell you these things). She was not wrong, I loved her son.

After that i really thought that things might workout between David and I. I told myself to just give it time and don't rush things. But time is the killer of all things. Soon after that i could feel a change in David. There were no more "I love you's" or "i miss you." I guess i also became distant in many ways. David once promised me that if i attempted to stop speaking to him he would be at my door and wouldn't give up on us. His promise took me back to the day Romeo told me he almost slept with his ex but that nothing happened. Romeo then went on to promise, "No matter who comes into my life, you will always be a part of it." How easy it is to utter words, letting them be carried by the wind. What we forget is that those same words are also carried by the people we speak them to in their heart. So i unintentionally put David's words to the test. He never came to my door.

I don't even remember the last time we texted or spoke, but in a weird way i feel like it was the universe saying "it is done." What is done? The universe sent David during my hardest times, when Romeo invaded every waking moment of my day. David lit that flame that i thought i was never going to be able to give to anyone else. He taught me that i could fall in love again and again, and that heart break would be part of the equation. A couple days ago one of David's friends messaged me and told me that he was dating and in a relationship with a girl. Deep down it was like I already knew. Something in my gut just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t shocked but I layed there in bed staring at those words, reading them over and over again. Deep down i always hoped that he would see the value in me like i did in him. I felt my chest tighten up. I did not feel jealousy or anger, (which surprised me) i think i wanted to cry but the tears were just not there and since then they have not fallen. I feel sad because i knew i had to close a circle. I had to end a bond with someone that i just did not want to let go of. But like i said before, lovers can't be friends. So it took a couple of days to process, but i eventually just completely pulled away. It was my time to go. I thank the universe for allowing our paths to meet. I learned so much from our time together and Im sure he also learned lessons that i may never know about. I hope the universe showers him with blessings, happiness, joy, success and everything his heart desired and i hope that one day he finds who he is meant to be in this life. I, on the other hand went on to all my social medias and removed him as a friend. Not because i am bitter, but because it's not fare for me to see the life of someone i love with my entire soul and keep wondering what could have been. I learned this with Romeo. Just like I did with Romeo, I stopped looking at David’s social media months ago because something in me told me that I would be hurt at any time, and my instincts are never wrong. I could feel that our end was near and here we are.

In the end I can see how the universe is moving everything around me. I have been very blessed lately in many areas of life. Even though i yearn for a significant other, i have to let the universe send them when it's time. I have manifested to the universe what i desire in a partner. The universe knows what attributes and qualities i desire in a man. I know what i have to offer and i have to manifest someone that is on an equal level to me or is willing to get there as a team. The universe is simply moving those pieces that don't fit in my life and i'm okay with that. I finally understand. I love you David, thank you for everything.

7:24pm 10.08.23 Slow Dancing In a Burning Room (Acoustic) by John Mayer on Repeat

Hitting 40 really makes you evaluate life in ways your younger self might have never thought about. Life is seen with a different set of lenses. You are old enough to look back at your youth, yet young enough to still make changes for a possible future. I believe 40 might be when most adults make major changes in their life that they know will impact their future. I hope most of them make them to better their life. I know i have made many changes in the last couple of months to better my way of living. I think i am slowly retiring "The209Social." That is my younger alter ego. It's time to allow for "Sayd" to flourish.

I have never been one to be scared to speak about my sexuality and share my sexual escapades. Yet, this post is not about a wild sexual encounter, but the total opposite, more like the lack of sexual encounters. TikTok is such a double edge sword. You can find all kinds of entertainment on there. I've laughed, cried, felt anger and all sorts of emotions on TikTok. Around the month of March a testimony of a gay male creator came up on my feed. He is a young man who got married and moved to Australia with his husband. After years of being together they got divorced. All the friends he had and everyone he knew for the most part were his ex-husbands friends, so when they split everyone stopped talking to him. This creator fell into a depression and loneliness. He turned to the gay hook-up culture as an escape. He says that while hooking up with all these random men in that moment he felt wanted and desired, but then after he felt disgusted that he had just had sex with a man who he didn't even bother to ask for his name. He eventually got professional help and deleted the apps that led him to his hook-ups. As he gave his testimony i couldn't help but reflect on my own life and how i had allowed it to spiral out of control.

During and before my situationship with Romeo i didn't even know that there were gay apps dedicated to promote hook-up culture. Before Romeo everyone i had ever had sex with, was done in an organic way. What i mean is, i met the person through friends or at an event or social gathering, we talked for a bit, and eventually we hooked up. There was no social media to look at and promote instant promiscuity. You actually had to meet a person, talk to them and start some type of bond, no matter how small it was. During Romeo, i only had eyes for him. I never desired to be with anyone else. I remember clearly that his smell would turn me on and fill my brain with dopamine, he was my drug. Sadly he had a tendency of ghosting me and every time he did so my self worth would grow and grow until one day i said enough and that was the end of us.

I never sat down to contemplate how my seperation form Romeo would effect me. Unbeknown to me, Romeo left a hole that i would eventually fill with many other men. Just like the creator i mentioned, i began to partake in the gay hook-up culture. I too must confess that at first i did it to fill that love that i thought i lost in Romeo, but in all reality was never there. Having all these men desire me and want me filled my brain with Dopamine. I just wanted to be loved, even if it was by someone who i didn't even bother to learn his name. Yet after my sexual encounter i would have post nut regret. I would question my sanity and values. It became easier and easier to hook up with anyone the more i did it. In the end there was no post nut regret anymore. I am not proud of my actions, but if it consoles anyone i did tell my doctor about my sexual escapades and he put me on PrEP (A pill you take to reduce the chances of exposure to HIV) and i took it religiously for years. Apart from PrEP i had to be tested every three months for any other sexual transmitted STI. I am thankful to the universe that it watched over me and am clean of any STI. That creators testimony made me realize who i was. He planted a seed and i'm thankful to the universe for that man and his message.

I am proud to say that the last time i had a sexual encounter was back in March. I had birthday sex with a regular guy i would hook-up with and then about a week later with that same guy. Then one night in March i was up late at night on TikTok and a video from that same creator popped up and i began to go through his profile and watch other videos. The more i heard his testimony about his past the more i was inspired to make my own change. So, i got off of TikTok and went to my hook-up apps and deleted them all. I also deleted and blocked all the numbers from those guys who only looked for me to satisfy their own personal pleasures. I put my phone to charge and had the best night's sleep i have ever had. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. You see, i alway wanted a relationship. I wanted a man to love me, cherish and value me, but how could i even ask the universe for that when the energy i was giving did not match. I was blocking my own blessings. Slowly the universe began to remove all the men from my life that did not want anything serious with me.

It's been seven months with no sex and at first i thought i was going to die. I missed the dopamine i got from the excitement of the hook-up but it slowly went away. I do want to be transparent. This does not mean that i will not ever hook-up with another man again, i just want it to be in a organic way. I want to meet a man at a bar, or a party or social event and actually take the time to learn his name and talk for a bit, so i can make a more clear headed decision. Also the chances are higher that instead of it just being a hook-up, some type of relationship might develop.

Another thing i did was i stopped drinking back in June. It was more for health reasons but it has helped me make clear decisions. When i would drink, i would tend to look for a hook-up. I recently did go on a bachelors trip to Puerto Vallarta and i wont lie, i did drink. It was my decision and none of the guys pressured me to do it. I did it because i knew we were going to split all the cost equally and i didnt want to be the asshole who didn't pay for anything because i was not drinking. I wanted my friend who is getting married to have a memorable time. As soon as i got back from Mexico i went back to being sober. I guess you we can say that i'm back at square one and September 25th is day 1 of sobriety. Now i want to be clear that I do not have a drinking problem. I've gone years without drinking alcohol. It's more that my body is no longer 20 so changes had to be made. My doctor said that i could enjoy non-alcoholic beers and to be honest i can't taste the difference. I never needed alcohol to be the life of the party. I've always had that natural charm and people have always flocked to me. That is why i am known as The209Social, but i think it's time to pass the crown. I've had a wonderful reign.

I am not actively looking for a relationship but i'm finally at a place in life where i'm ready to accept the love i deserve. The universe has been making big changes in my life and soul in the past 2 years. If the right man is out there the universe will guide us to that moment in which we are destined to meet. In the meantime i'm just enjoying everyday as it passes me by.

1:15pm Young and Beautiful (Orchestra) [From the Great Gatsby] -Stringspace (On Repeat)

07.26.23

Where to begin. Life has been so good to me this year that i've lost track of so many things that use to haunt my mind. I want to go back to a the night that i was hanging out with David. When i'm with David i feel like i can be myself, but only to a certain extent. On August 7th it will be four years since i met David in that coffee shop that late afternoon. It has been a crazy four years and during that time i fell head over heels for him and then he crushed my heart by telling me he was more into girls than guys. I remember how crushed my heart left. I wanted to get away from him so that my heart would stop falling even deeper in love with him. Mind you i did stop talking to him for a good three or four months. I did some heavy searching within myself during that time. There were friends who helped me out and distracted me by going hiking with me and inviting me to events. Plus Covid had just started and towns were on lockdown so that helped me to pull away as much as possible.

Somehow i managed to let go. Maybe it was because David and i only went through a talking stage. We were never official and i would never claim that we were, but i wish i would of been given the opportunity to demonstrate to him how much love i had for him at the time. It's just feelings lost in the wind now. Well months did go by and eventually he reached out again and we became really good friends. As our friendship grew we became more open with each other (at least i did). I trusted and trust David so much.

Fast forward to a couple months ago... i began to realize that when David and i talked about relationships and expectations with partners i would bring up Romeo a lot. I think at first it wasn't done on purpose but as time went by Romeo's name kept coming up more and more when David and I were together. I don't know what my intentions were but after i would mention Romeo i would instantly regret it and i wanted to swallow my words back immediately. Then one day as David and i sat there in my car at our lookout point in the mountains, watching the sunset over the San Joaquin Valley, we were talking and i brought up Romeo's name. I brought up his name to illustrate an example to something we were talking about (after all Romeo was all i knew for so many years). I saw as David's eyes looked out the front window of the car, his sight lost in the sunset as he held on the steering wheel of my car. Quietly he turned to look at me and asked a question no had asked me before.

"Would you get back with Romeo if he came back into your life?" I sat there in shock. That is the last thing that i expected him to ask me but then again in the back of my mind i wondered to myself: well if you always bring up Romeo what did you expect? In the past when people would bring up Romeo i would feel a knot in my stomach. I would get nervous and anxious but in a good way. Like when you're excited. This time i sat there staring into David's eyes and his face and for the first time i realized that i didn't want to be with anyone else in that very moment but David. "No." I replied to David in a stern voice. "I would never want to go through that again. I can't say that i wouldn't let him back in as a friend, but those feeling i once had are no longer there." "He would need to bring the stars down to win me over again." David just shook his head in agreement.

When David and i go to our lookout point i usually drive there and he drives back. This time was no different. As soon as the sun set I made sure to tell him i loved him and he replied, "I love you to." David drove home that day.

With my new increase in salary the school district asks that we work an additional 50 days that we use to have off. So now I have to work the whole month of June. I had a trip to Mexico planned for late June and i took the last two weeks off and returned 3 day prior to the month ending so that i could turn in all my reports and paperwork. The plan was to stay the entire month of July and enjoy the rest of my summer break here in the states with my friends. I decided i would start going to the park to walk 3-5 miles daily to get back into better shape. The week i was back i was going every morning but one day my cousin and friend asked me to go walking in the afternoon, so i said yes.

We were on our last lap and my friend said "To your left." So i looked to my left and behind me thinking there was someone coming up behind that needed to jog by. "There is no one there," I replied. "No, look to your left amigo," he stated again. I looked over to my left and across the street and there was a guy dressed in a mariachi suite leaning on a red car looking at me. I had my dark shades on so i really couldn't see clearly, but to be honest i didn't think it was Romeo who was looking back at me. I looked ahead and i told my friend "I don't think it's him." We finished our lap and bought some fruit to eat. We walked back to my car and drove off. When going home i drive around the park and i happen to drive down the street where that man dressed in a mariachi suit was parked. As i turned to drive into that street i saw that there were other people there dressed in a mariachi outfits. I slowed down as to not hit anyone and made eye contact with Romeo for a split second. It was him. As i drove by my mind did not care. That anxious feeling in my stomach was no longer there. It was like as if i was looking at a total stranger on the street. It was at that point that i new my feeling for Romeo had died. I did not go home to think about him and to be very honest David is who came to mind. It was at that point I understood that David was who i loved now and it had been for a long time, i was just scared to admit it.

I didn't want to feel love for David because i know he feels nothing for me. And for me to get my hopes up with a man who has been clear that he does not want anything but a friendship with me is like stepping into another situationship like the one Romeo and I had. So that same week i booked a ticket to return to Mexico City and to gather my thoughts. I stayed out there the rest of the month of July. I would be lying if i said i did not think of David while i was out there. I even spoke to my cousin about my feelings and situation and she gave me very good advice. I guess i'm scared to implement it. Just like with Romeo im scared to lose something i don't have.

It's hard for me to set friendship boundaries with David because i wholeheartedly love him. I know i need to talk things out with him but i'm scared to. I guess only time will tell what will happen, but that is story for another time.

7:40 am 02.11.23 Cellophane by FKA Twigs on Repeat

According to the CDC the life expectancy for a hispanic male living in the United states is 79.1 to 79.2 years of age. So basically about 80 years of age. 80 short years is all we kinda get. When you are young it seems like such a big number. As i approach the half-way mark i am filled with visions of moments passed. I get emotional looking back on so many wonderful moments as well as so many moments that have caused me pain. Where have 40 years gone? I would like to take some time to simply reflect, relive and share some moments of my past that have caused an impacts in me and have changed or guided my path on this life journey. I don't know how many days it will take me to finish this, but i want to have it ready by my birthday in late March.

Where to start? As i sit here in my bed trying to think on the last 40 years of my life, i am filled with visions from my childhood until the present day. I have visions of faces from people who at moments were part of my life, some who still are and many who have sadly passed away. Faces of those that made me smile, cry and fear life. How do i summarize these moments that have build me into the man i am today? It feels almost impossible to pick and choose key moments that have added to my character. Also the fear of sharing certain moments in life fill me with terror. Afraid of being vulnerable is overwhelming, but i want to share my reality not the fantasy i believe everyone has of The209Social.

7:32am 3.30.23 "In This Shirt" by The Irrepressibles

I never did finish this by my birthday. It was on the back of my mind but i kept putting it off. So here i am in my bed on this sunny morning attempting to find the words to take you on a trip down memory lane.

I went to school in the 80's and 90's. I attended Martin Luther King Elementary School from my preschool years until 6th grade. I enjoyed school very much and i can vividly remember all my teachers faces as they were back when i was a child. My perspective of school changed quickly as I was in about the third grade when i remember hearing the word gay and faggot for the first time. Those words would follow me throughout all my school years. I was constantly made fun of for my sexuality growing up. Not all kids were so mean to me. I did have some really nice friends growing up. In middle school i was jumped (beat up) by a group of guys as i was walking home one day. I was lucky to be able to squeeze between a fence and an old beat up car. I lost consciousness, by the time i woke up it was late afternoon. I never found out why those boys decided to jump me. The ironic part of all of this is that my mother put me into a private school to keep me safe and the main boy who jumped me ended up going to the same private school. Of course i didn't know who he was but one day during my lunch period in my sophomore year he sat next to me to tell me that he had been the guy who jumped me. I asked him why and he said he did not remember, but that he was sorry. Once as i was walking home from a friends house, there was two guys on their bikes just waiting at a corner store. As i walked by them one of them called my attention and as i looked over. He spit in my face and called me a faggot. The boys laughed and i walked home quietly, tears running down my face. Tears of anger and bewilderment as to why so many kids hated me because of my sexuality.

In high school there were a couple kids that would constantly inquire, "are you a faggot?" or "are you gay?" Some threats were made but no one ever harmed me physically in high school. My freshmen and sophomore year were the hardest. It did get a bit better Junior year when some of those kids didn't come back to school. I must say though, in high school is where i really saw love in between so much hate growing up. There were so many girls that protected me and stood up for me. They made me feel included. There were also many guys that offered me true friendship. I enjoyed high school for this reason. I felt more safe and also we were all maturing at the same time. We were all growing into our own skin and we didn't know it.

I did attempt to commit suicide one time in elementary school. I swallowed a bunch of Tylenol thinking it would end my life. I laugh now because Tylenol probably would have given me a really bad stomach ache but i wonder, what if instead of Tylenol, there would have been other medication waiting in the cabinet for me? The bullying in elementary school was so bad that i had no problem shoving a bunch of pills in my mouth and ending it all. I don't know at what point i decided that i couldn't let those comments bother me, but I told myself that i would take all the hate that was thrown at me and turn in into positiveness and return it as love to others. I believe that is why i was bullied so much over my sexuality in my younger years, because i stopped letting it affect me and it drove the bully crazy that i just didn't care. That mentality got me through many rough moments in life. Also the love that i gave and received from many individuals during my teenage years.

Did you know i never had an official boyfriend in my life? I've had several "serious" lovers but none of them have ever asked me out officially. From the age of about 14 till about my early 20's I was romantically involved with a man that who was 10 years my senior. If you read my tumblrs i'm sure you've read his story. I was too young to see how much this man loved me, but he was scared of his sexuality and we kept our relationship a secret. You don't appreciate what you had until you become much older.

My college years (the first time around) were not so good. I went like 2 semesters and dropped out. Didn't tell my mother and when she eventually found out i was forced to get a job. My mom thought that by working i would regret not being in school and want to go back. Well it backfired and i ended up working for this company for eight or nine years. In my mid 20's a guy from Mexico City began to work there. We hit it off and messed around. He was the first man i can remember truly having hard feeling for. Yet again it didn't work. Turns out he was married and had children and was living this secret life far away from home. He was my first true heart break. (story in my tumblr)

7:20 am 04.02.23 The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez on repeat

In my late 20's i decided to go back to college. i hated my corporate job and needed my education to find my calling. I was 27 when i met him. I can still remember the first time my eyes came across his face. He was in my french class. To be honest, even though i found him attractive, i didn't see him that way. When i was 29 we began a friends with benefit relationship that lasted for a couple years. I don't know why i allowed it to continue for so long. Now that i look back, i don't think he ever loved me. I was used for whatever area of his life he was lacking emotionally and every time i filled that area he would ghost me. When he would ask to come back into my life i just couldn't say no. I honestly loved him so much. I couldn't see how young he was and all the maturing he needed to do. My love was selfish and i didn't want to let go. He had nothing to offer. No job, no financial security, no real plan for the future. He still needed to experience life and all it had to offer. So after a couple of years of being ghosted i finally decided i needed to put myself first and stop being his emotional crutch. It was the hardest thing i ever did. Letting him go caused me so much pain, both emotional, physical and lots of therapy. It took me years to just go one day without thinking about him. Until slowly it was more than a day, a week, a month and then eventually he would come to mind just ever so often. Up to now i never loved any man like i loved him. Other men have come into my life and while i was with them of course i didn't think of him but those relationships didn't go anywhere as well. I wish him the best. I hope he finds his forever after. I wish him success and happiness. He once told me that when he was with me his anxiety would go away, that i gave him a peace in his life he couldn't find anywhere else or with anyone else and to be honest he made me feel the same way. I never felt more safe than when i was with him. I use to think that it was because we were soul mates, but i guess i was wrong.

In 2019 i met a wonderful man at a coffee shop. It was on his birthday. Right off the bat we clicked really well. He's tall, dark and very handsome. He has a sweet soul and kind heart. He was the first one to text "I love you." All my friends would tell me that there was something about him that they didn't like. They all felt like he was just going to use me or hurt me. Things were going great between me and him. There was never anything sexual between us, so that made things even more special for me. Usually guys just wanted to fuck The209Social because they wanted bragging rights, but he was different. Don't get me wrong, if he would have asked i would have given it up but im glad he didn't. About three months into our talking he stopped texting me as often as he did. It's like he flipped a light switch. I would try and make plans with him and he would tell me he was "too busy" to hang out. Eventually i called him out one night and asked him what he wanted between us because by this point i had major feelings for him. He said he only wanted a friendship, so i cut him out of my life. I was falling in love with him and I couldn't offer a friendship to someone i loved. I was not going to relive this again. I told him not to contact me at all. He made me feel special and safe. He made me feel loved and wanted. It was too much to bare and it took me back to my last relationship. After a couple months he text me out of the blue asking if i was still mad at him and i told him i was never mad, i was disappointed in the fact that he led me on without ever having plans of actually loving me. At this time the pandemic was at it peak. I'd have five, maybe 6 people over at times and we would chill in my garage. One day i invited him over and while he was on his way, out of the blue, i received a message from someone on IG. This person knew him and they told me the "True" reason he stopped talking to me. This person said it was because someone was going to expose him to his friends and professional community. This would have put his career at risk so he opted to push me away. I don't know how much truth there was in that message but when he arrived i asked him right out why he had stopped talking to me. His response was "because i figured i liked girls more than guys." I didn't believe his answer, but I never questioned it. In my mind i said, if a man is scared of being his true self for fear of what others may say or think, he is a weak man and i don't want that in my life. If a man has to hide his sexuality in the time and age we live in then i don't want any part in that. My relationship with him continued and we became good friends. I must admit that when we are together i can feel a tension or energy between us. I will rub his back and head. Touch his face softly and tell him how much i love him. He too is kind and loving and will cuddle with me at times, but i don't see it going anywhere, especially since he's never made a move. While i was in Mexico about four weeks ago i had a conversation with my cousin and she told me i had to stop. Stop the touching, cuddling and slight glances. I was causing more danger to myself and i agreed. Since I've been back i have only seen him once or twice. I agree i need to stop offering the wrong type of love to the wrong person. I can show him friendship love and give him advice but the love i express to him is more of something you would show a boyfriend. I'm just afraid to hurt him in the process, but i'm more afraid of the pain i'll cause myself it i allow it to continue.

between 2020 and 2023 i lost three close friends. All three friends were good friends in my eyes. Two of those friends i had been knowing for probably 15 years or more. The third about a good 6 or 7 years. I loved all of them so much. Two of those friendships i lost during the pandemic. Emotionally i was going through my own battles during this time with some guy that when i look back now he was not worth my time or energy. These first friendship i lost hurt me very much. This person who i considered one of the most special people in my life just ghosted me out of the blue. I know there are always two sides to a story and i'm not going to sit here and say my side is definitive truth. I can only share my perspective of how i lived through it. With the pandemic, the lock down and millions of people dying all around us we were all going through a lot. I'm told that i made a comment of some sort that rubbed my friend the wrong way. It must of been the straw that broke the camel's back and my friend must of felt comfortable enough to take out all their frustrations and anger on me. As for my part of the story, I don't remember completely because i was more worried about what a guy thought about me. To be very honest i didn't even know my friend was upset with me because this friend never took the time to express their feelings and call me out as a real friend should have. I believe there would have been a real apology for whatever it is i did. The loss of this friendship really hurt. This friend was like a sibling to me. I had so much love for this persoon. Their departure from my life hurt more than any relationship i had ever been in. I longed for many months to mend things with my friend but too much time had gone by and during the pandemic my mind was truly opened by the universe. It taught me to let go of the things that it was removing from my life and are not meant to be. So when my second friend decided to also stop speaking to me it hurt a little less. By the time my third friend stopped talking to me, i handled it as an adult and text my friend to see if things were okay between us and if i had offended them in any way. I reached out several time and then i let go. I had no more energy to waste on people that don't know how to communicate like an adult. You see the universe will remove everything that is holding you back from greatness.

During the pandemic a did a full reevaluation of myself and those around me. My way of thinking and processing certain events in life really changed. I no longer tolerated anyone's crap. If someone said they were my friend and proved otherwise i simply and slowly exited their life. I made new friends with whom i believe our energy synced. I wanted to be surrounded by people who had goals for a better future. Hard working individuals who could teach me and encourage me to move on and better myself instead of holding me back due to jealousy and envy and i found those people. I made a mental vision board of where i wanted to be emotionally and career wise. I'm happy to say that i am the most emotionally stable version of myself that i've ever been. It took a lot of work to get where i am. To be happy with myself and who i am. I'm confident in my skin and that is all that matters. A year ago i decided to take a new position at work. It didn't pay much more than what i was already making but i just knew the universe had something bigger waiting for me. I took a chance and here we are a year later and with a salary that i would have never thought i would be making. A salary that most people wouldn't make unless they had a Masters degree. I am blessed and can only wish the same blessings on everyone else. I still have several other things on my vision board that i would like to accomplish but all in due time.

Life has been long, but it has also gone by in a blink of an eye. I have laughed, cried, felt anger, jealousy, gone through the pain of losing loved ones to death and to time, but here i am. Halfway to the finish line. I just hope that the universe will allow me to see the other half and maybe more if i'm lucky. I don't blame life for all the hardships that it has thrown my way. I am thankful to the universe for allowing me to experience and learn from everything it has made me go through and i'm proud for coming out victorious in the end. Life is precious and sadly sometimes it takes half a life for you to finally understand how to enjoy it. Life is a balance of everything it hands you, so with that i advise you all to live a full life without hurting others and stop being so worried of what others will think, because one day we will close our eyes to never open them again. May the next 40 years be filled with wiser choices and may i be open to change, new adventures and new love... or an old one that's matured, who knows.

11:00pm I Love you by Yseult (on repeat)

9.01.22

Its 11:00pm and im not sure why im on here, but what i do know is that you have been heavy on my mind. I don’t know if it’s because your birthday is literally an hour from now or because deep down i miss you more than i’ve ever missed anyone in my life. My writings might be in vain. I don’t know if you even read them, but just in case that you do... I Love You. I can’t explain it. Months can go by and i won’t think about you not one bit and then out of the blue i remember your face and like a tsunami my entire body is filled with grief. Yes, grief, because you might as well be dead. Your absence in my life feels like a void someone leaves when they pass away too soon. The other day i was driving and a song that i have heard a million times before began to play and instantly i thought of you. Like a ton of bricks I was hit with so many emotions that i had to pull over and cry out loud.

You are still heavy on my heart. It’s like when you walked out of my life you took half of me. I’ve tried letting others conquer my heart but no one has even come close to filling my cup the way you did. I hope one day i am able to think of you and not be filled with so many emotions. Yet your beautiful grey/green eyes are seared in my collective memory, the feel of your soft caramel skin was like silk to my fingertips and your deep voice plays over and over in my ear like a melody i can’t get out of my head.

Many beautiful changes have happened in my life ever since you left. I wish you could of been here to see those milestones. I’m sure you are setting your own path and reaching your own goals. You probably don’t even think of me, like i think of you. It’s okay, i won’t hold any type of resentment toward you for that. I hope that wherever you are, you are filled with joy and blessings. I hope life has smiled upon you and turned you into the man you always wanted to be. I guess there is not much more to say. You always new that you meant the universe to me and you probably always will. This week you were heavy on my mind and heart and i felt the urge to come on here and let it all out. I apologize in advance because i know how much you hated when i would post about you on my social media. This time i made sure not to use your name nor your fake name. 100 years from now i just want someone to read my stories and poems about you and for them to say, “Wow, that was true love.” Even if it was one sided.

With that being said... Whenever you feel like no one in the world understands and emotionally you feel drained and can’t find anyone to talk to. When you feel that anxiety is creeping up on you, go to a quiet place, close your eyes and go back to those nights where we use to talk all night about anything and everything. Imagine me next to you because i will be there in spirit, looking into your eyes that hold galaxies and I will be listening to all your woes.

Happy Birthday Love of My Life. I Love You. Forever.

02.14.2022 11:04pm “In This Shirt” (Original) The Irrepressibles ***on repeat***

Artifacts... Why do we as humans hold on to them? Ill tell you why, it’s because  as humans we have a hard time letting go of the past. Call it nostalgia if you will. We hold on to things for different reasons, but usually we keep near to our hearts the artifacts that once belonged to anyone we deemed special or who held an important roll in our life. Maybe a lover, a friend, a family member or a person that left a strong impact upon our life. We all have a certain item that provokes certain emotions in us. We might have it displayed in our home, hidden in a basement or attic, stored away in box, yet the moment we lay eyes on it we are flooded with memories of a time gone by. Some memories can be pleasant and some can be hurtful or even both. The weird thing about these items is that some of us can form attachments. They bring us a strange comfort, until they finally don’t.

In my closet there has been a certain item that i have not been able to let go of for many years. I’ve had it since 2013 and every time i have cleaned my closet i have come across it and for many reasons i have not been able to just toss it away. It does not belong to me, but it once belonged to the person i loved deeply for many years. How it came into my possession is a beautiful story. This artifact did not hold value to him but for the longest time in my life it was the most valuable thing i owned. Slowly over the years i had forgotten about it, even though it sits folded in my closet and in plain sight. It has faded into the background of my room and my mind, become a part of my decor, but it wasn’t always this way.

A long time ago (2013) my friendship with a certain guy went from being friends to friends with benefits. At the time i had a strict rule of never letting guys into my room that i was sexually involved with unless i was in a serious relationship with them or at least madly in love. Up to that point in time i had not fallen in love so no guy i was sexually involved with had ever been in my bedroom. I made this clear to him from the moment our relationship went from a friendship to friends with benefits and he never questioned it. He understood my convictions and where i was coming from, not once did he ever pressure me to get into my bed. As time went by and we saw more of each other i began to fall deeply in love with him. I honestly tried not to because i could foresee that anything between me and him would never amount to anything, but it was too late. Every molecule in my body had already bonded with him.

One night he came over. We were both awkwardly sitting in my dark living room. He was sitting on the small couch that was plopped up against my living room window and i was sitting on the larger couch that was in the middle of the living room (my mom sold those couches about a year ago and i cried when they were carried out because they reminded me specifically of this night). We were both there having small talk and you could feel the nervousness in air. He couldn’t find the words to say that he wanted to fool around and in my head i had a million different thoughts running through my mind, all about him of course. At one point he was sitting there with his right arm relaxing on the arm rest. He was wearing a black sweater that had a zipper that came down to mid chest and some black joggers that all the soccer players were wearing at the time. The Joggers had white stripes down the side and he would always wear them.

I don’t know where i found the courage but I stood up and took him by his hand and said, “follow me” in the most loving soft voice. He instantly knew that i was leading him towards my room, yet before he stood up he squeezed my hand and pulled me back. I turned to look at him through the darkness of the night that penetrated into my living room. Only the rays of the moon light shined through my windows providing just enough light for our eyes to adjust and see. He asked, “Are you sure”? His voice deep but full of confusion trying to confirm what i was about to do. There was no turning back for me, i was madly and utterly in love with him. I looked deep into his eyes and with every atom in my body i answered with a soft but strong adamant, “Yes”. There was a short pause as we both looked at each other in the darkness. He then stood up and i led him to my room, never letting go of his hand until we reached my room. My heart was throbbing so hard im sure he could hear it. That night we slept together in the same bed for the first time. I can’t tell you what he felt or if he felt anything at all, but for me it was the most passionate moment i had lived up to that point. The next morning he got dressed and went home. That afternoon as i was cleaning my room i found a white polo t-shirt under my bed. Somehow he must of not noticed that he left his shirt behind. I picked it up and unconsciously pulled it straight to my face. I held his shirt up to my nose to smell it. His scent was impregnated in it. From the moment he and i had our first sexual encounter i was drawn to his scent. It was like a natural high for me. It wasn’t his cologne, but the natural scent his body produced. It drove me crazy. I pulled the shirt slowly away from my face and I folded his shirt and put it in my closet. He never did asked for his shirt. After the shirt naturally lost the smell of him i slowly began to forget i had it in my closet, plus he was always over and his scent was always trapped somewhere on my pillows and sheets so i naturally forgot about his shirt.

Years later our relationship dissipated because i loved him too much and i believe he didn’t know how to accept the love i offered him, or simply he didn’t know how to accept himself or any feeling he might of had for me at the time. Just like everything that has a beginning we had an end. For me that ending came with years of tears and psychological trauma, but non the less i forged through my pain. After him, i dropped my rule of guys in my bedroom thinking it would heal me from the pain and the feeling of loss he left me with, but it did not. I filled my bedroom with the energy of crazy passionate nights that would lead to nowhere. Man after man promising the moon and stars when all they truly wanted was a night of passion. Then two years ago, (2020) I fell in love again with a close friend of mine, or so i thought. After i poured my heart out he replied with lets just stay friends and it was at that moment that I decided to remodel my room. I needed a project to keep my mind at bay and to slowly bring me a different kind of healing. My room felt tainted. It no longer felt like my space, but instead a vault of memories and energies of all the lovers come and gone. I completely gutted my room and gave it the most needed facelift. The last thing that i decided to tackle was my closet. As i was pulling the last bit of clothing off the top shelves of my closet his shirt fell into my hands. I instantly recognized it and out of instinct i pressed it up against my nose and inhaled deeply. In my mind i knew his scent would not be there anymore but i did it out of a natural reflex. Instead of his scent the smell of an old piece of clothing that hadn’t been moved in years from one spot hit me like a tone of bricks and brought me back to reality. I quickly pulled his shirt away from my face and tossed in the pile of clothing i was separating to throw away. I took all those articles of clothing and put them in a large white trash bag and threw them in the garage. I ended up finishing remodeling my room and for the first time in a long time my room felt like my own little paradise. I was finally able to breath again.

I ordered new pieces of furniture and shelving and it opened up my room that once felt crowded and small. One of the of the last things i did was organize my closet. As i was returning the clothes i desired back to my closet, i grabbed a bag from the garage and brought it to my room thinking it was clothes i wanted. As i peaked into the bag there lay his shirt at the top of the pile. I looked at it and didn’t think twice, i took his shirt out of the bag, folded it and placed it back in my closet. Why? I do not know. Not even i understood my actions, but i did it. Fast forward to today. His shirt is folded and placed directly on my closet shelf. Every time i open my closet you can see it clear as day. I have grown so use to it that i don’t even think twice about it when i open my closet. Days, weeks, and Months go by and i forget it’s there. Subconsciously though i know it’s there. A reminder of a time when i felt so happy i thought the feeling would never end. It is the last piece, the last artifact i have of him. Yes i have pictures of parties we both went to but they don’t hold true. Those pictures are also in my memories imprinted forever. His shirt is something more physical, an object he once wore, that at one point carried his energy and scent. It’s also a reminder of that night i decided that he would be the man i wanted to lead into my room for the first time. The person i gave the honor of being the first man to lay in bed with me. That shirt honestly held so much more than just memories. But it was also the shirt that was subconsciously keeping me from balancing my energy.

01.01.2022 9:20am Listening to: Humbe - Ktyptonita (Live Session)

As i sit here and think back on this year gone by, i can’t help but be very thankful to this beautiful universe. It has been one of the most tranquil years I’ve had in a while. From the beginning i knew that 2021 was going to be a great year for me. 2020 had purged most of the unnecessary people from from my life. I had to wait to see what other rotten apples were still hanging from my branches which needed to be pulled off. Thankfully 2020 had showed me that cutting people out of my life was okay, if it meant being emotionally stable and sane. 2021 was the year in which i put myself first for the most part. This notion was something that was uncommon to me. I have always put others feelings and problems before my own. This year i was able to put myself in first place about 90 percent of the time. Still old habits are hard to die and i fell back into those habits with one or two individuals. I was quick to acknowledge what i was doing and nip it in the bud quick. I kept true to the promise of not bending backwards for anyone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I owed this to myself.

I played 2021 by ear, and it was the most exciting year that i’ve had in a long time. I didn’t plan my every day to day out. Nor did i make ridiculous resolutions that i knew i was just going to break. Early in the year i decided that i was going to keep my time exclusive to those that requested it. The idea was that i was going to let individuals in my life reach out and ask to spend time with me. This would show me who really was interested in investing their time, with and in me. In the past i would find myself calling people to spend time with them and planning everything out. I did this because i cared and honestly wanted to invest my time in these friendships. 2021 was quick to remind me that i was also worthy of the same input. So i simply pulled away. I stopped texting certain friends who i saw a pattern of being inconsistent. I stopped reaching out to these friends to hang out. I was surprised to see that some individuals who i would constantly text and try to plan things with, seemed to vanish for weeks or moths on end after i pulled away. Then out of the blue they would reach out when they had no one else to spend time with or when they were stuck in their feelings. They would text and say, “We should hang out” followed by “Plan it out and let me know.” Maybe they didn’t do it on purpose, but they were use to it because i never set my boundaries from the beginning. I should have said, “Sure, plan something out and I’m there” but i would get all excited because my friend was reaching out and then “I” would start to plan some type of outing. It’s hard when you miss someone and you truly want to spend time with them, not to fall back into these habits. 2021 taught me that we need to let others plan things out if they truly want to hang out and spend time. If they have the desire to see you, then they should also have an idea of what adventure they want to go on with you. So if you found yourself feeling like i stopped reaching out and returning the occasional text message you sent me every month, ask yourself, “Did i invest the same energy into Sayd and our friendship that he invested into me?” If you have to sit there and ponder, you have your answer.

“If you’re not willing to invest and risk it all with me, then don’t invest at all.” 

-The209Social

If you were completely cut off this year it was simply because you fucked up. You can’t say there was no solution to fix our situations. For the most part maybe a simple conversation and explanation would have sufficed. I give people tons of opportunities, but 2021 made me realize that our teen years are over. We are grown adults and thus we should process things as adults. I gave people one opportunity. During this opportunity there was time to ponder things through to make an intellectual adult decision to situations that could possibly affected a long term friendship. I didn’t bother to bicker back and fourth with anyone over text or social media. I simply text or called you stating certain concerns and then left things in your court so you could ponder the situation. If nothing was done about it then i simply removed myself from the equation and continued with my euphoric life. I have no more time to invest into individuals who can’t accept when they have done something thats damaging to our friendship. Of course im not an asshole, i usually inform my friends of their wrong doings and if things don’t change i simply remove myself. 

“Don’t hold on to people in your life that continuously keep letting you down, they are an unnecessary weight to carry and a negative energy that keeps feeding off of your positive vibes.” -The209Social

Out of all of the years 2021 was the one year in which i learned to keep my inner circle of friends very small. I believe that i made the correct choices as to whom i shared my valuable time with. Remember that 90 percent that i was talking about? These individuals comprise that 90 percent of my time well spent. How did i know who to choose? It was simple, these friends reached out and made plans with me. They desired to spend their valuable time with me and didn't expect me to plan something. Whether it was meeting up for a meal, coming over to visit, inviting me on a night out, or simply going for a walk to destress, they asked me for my time and told me what they wanted to do and all they required was that i was willing to join them. They never planned something with me and then cancelled because something, “better” came up in their life. They never planned something with me and then planned something else that might Interfere with our original plans. I was a priority in their life the same way they were a priority in mine when i asked them out. So in return, it was easy to see that i wanted to invest my time with them. At the end of the day a friendship is a relationship and in a relationship things have to be 50/50 so that it can keep afloat. There are also those friends that i don’t get to spend as much time with as i wish. We don’t text often or call each other everyday, but we reach out to each other for special events and occasions. To those friends i want to thank you for always thinking of me when you celebrate a birthday or a mile stone in your life. Im truly thankful to 2021 for opening up my way of thinking. It has made life simple when you have rules and expectations. 

“Always invest into anyone that makes you feel important without having to compromise who you are, what you feel or what you believe.” -The209Social

What about my love life? I’m sure that if you came on to read this blog its because deep down you wanted to know if anyone special had made their way into my life. I’m sorry to let you down, but 2021 was not really a year where i focussed on my love life. 2019 and 2020 i fell in love with a really amazing man. Things didn’t work out, he did not feel the same way for me but we continue to be really great friends. Then i met another guy and that was short lived, he was always “busy.” When 2021 started i understood that i had a lot more healing to do personally. I couldn’t focus on another person while i still needed to work on myself. Love was not in the cards for me in 2021. What i did learn, is that growing up we are conditioned to believe that we all have that other half out there waiting to come into our life and then magically there’s this happily ever after, but the truth is far from that. Don’t get me wrong i do have a little sneaky link, as many of you have seen of my IG stories. He’s tall, handsome, manly, can put it down in bed like no other man i’ve been with, is a great kisser, but sadly he just doesn’t do it for me. Usually by now i’d be in love, but i can’t see myself with him at all. He’s fun, but besides a sexual connection there’s nothing else. To be honest i’m not really looking for love anymore like i have in the past. I feel like i’ve given so much love to other men that didn’t know how to value it, that i’ve been drained of almost all that love i had to give. I have no more to give romantically at the moment. So romantic love is being pushed all the way to the end of the list for me. Im going to continue to pursue my spiritual growth and self love and if in my road to happiness someone comes along that is interested in me romantically, they are going to have to climb a very high wall of expectations in order to even be considered potential suiters.

“Know your worth and always keep in mind what you expect from a potential love interest. They don’t have to check off everything on your list but must be willing to grow with you as a team. Your dreams are as equal as his/hers. If you have to put your aspirations on the back burner for them, then walk away while you still can because you will end up angry and bitter for investing into someone who wasn’t willing to also invest in you.” -The209Social

10.13.2021 Listening to “Afuera del Planeta” by Manuel Medrano on repeat

Does time truly heal a heart break? Do we actually get over someone and move on to better things, or do we simply forget our heartbreak when another person comes along to fill that void? Not too long ago i watched a TED talk that made me change the way i believe we overcome certain emotions. In simple words we never really get over someone. The speaker was sharing that we never get over a person we truly loved. We simply learn to cope with the emotions we feel and we fill those emotions with new ones when we meet new people that make us feel the way the other person did. Old feelings can resurface at any time and without notice. Old feelings can be triggered by a memory, a smell, a song or a picture among many other things. I have always stated for the last couple of years that i was completely over the one guy that i use to say was the love of my life, but recently i experienced an event in my life that has me honestly questioning everything.

I just arrived from a trip to Mexico that i took to celebrate my friends birthday. We went to Guadalajara, Jalisco where we ate at the best restaurants, went tequila tasting, visited near by popular towns and made the best of our time out there. I was staying at an Airbnb with my cousin and a friend we have in common and the birthday girl and her party were staying at The Hilton not too far from us. There were times when we would go out as a large group and other times we would separate and do our own thing.

On the Friday we were there, we decided to meet in the afternoon in a nearby town called Tlaquepaque. My cousin, friend, and i went out for a late breakfast that morning and after we were done eating decided to go home and nap so that we would have enough energy to be out late that night. You see the night before we went to the small town of Tequila, where we went tequila tasting and after that we went to Cantaritos El Güero, a popular stop to go drink near the town of Tequila. We were out all day and didn’t get home until after 1am so naturally we were still tired the next day.

After we were rested we got ready and ordered our uber to Tlaquepaque. With the traffic it took a good 45min to get there. We were walking around the city center and decided get some ice-scream, buy some things to bring back as souvenirs for those we care for and simply take in the beauty of the town we were in. As we were walking around we decided to get a bite to eat because we were starving. We couldn’t decide where to eat. There was food on every corner sold by small vendors and also every now and then we would see small restaurants. We kept walking and ended up in a small cute street filled with a few restaurants. One of them called La Rosetta had a rooftop where you could dine-in. We originally wanted to go to Casa Luna which is the restaurants that everyone hears about on IG and TikTok but the wait to sit and eat was about an hour or more. So we decided to stay and dine at La Rosetta. The restaurant had a bar area downstairs with a couple of places to sit and dine but the main part of the restaurant was on the rooftop. When we arrived the place was pretty empty but the views were just breath taking. We got one of the best tables next to the small band that was playing. The table was up against the edge of the building overlooking the street below. They had greenery around the edge of the building and the streets had trees that reached our hight that made the view even more spectacular. In the distance i could see the top of the church towering above all the other buildings in town. The sun was beginning to set and the colors of the afternoon sky were staring to change. In the blue sky you could start to see hints of lilac and the warm humid air seemed to penetrate everything around.

The band that was playing was made up of two guys and one girl. The girl sang songs of a more jazzy feel and it set the atmosphere for those of us that were dinning. The guys played versions of popular spanish songs in an acoustic manner. The songs were more slowed down, which created a calm and relaxing ambiance. We ordered our food and drinks and we took pictures and video to upload to our social medias and we enjoyed each others company. The girl that was singing took a break and the two guys stepped in to play. At the same time our food came out and we began to eat. I had ordered a pizza margherita and a lemonade of some sort and my friend and cousin ordered pastas. We began to eat and the band started playing. At first i didn’t really pay attention to the song or the lyrics the guys were playing because we were talking about our week and the things we still wanted to do before we flew back home. All of a sudden i took a slice of my pizza and as i took a bite i looked out into the distance and the sky was darker than when we had arrived. The rooftop lights had been turned on and the church had also turned on its lights in its tower were it held its big church bells. It was at that moment that i blocked out all the sound except for that of the music and lyrics. I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me. It was the feeling of nostalgia, the feeling of being home sick, the feeling of missing someone so much that i couldn’t take it anymore. My eyes began to tear up. I tried to fight the feeling because it made no sense. I knew why i was feeling it, but i didn’t want to admit it. The more i fought it the more my tears ran down my cheeks and rolled down onto the table below. I looked up at my friend who was sitting directly in front of me and she tried to pretend like she didn’t notice but as my tears became noticeable she simply asked if i was okay. I told her that i was fine, that i simply got emotional but didn’t know why. I truth is i did know why but i didn't want to say it out loud because then it would make it true.

The band was playing a song called “Afuera del Planeta” by Manuel Medrano. They were playing a slower more acoustic version. I had never heard the song before in my life but it was a mix of the way they were singing it and the beautiful views and sunset that filled me with such emotion. The truth is that as soon as i payed attention to the lyrics the only person who came to mind was Romeo. I felt nostalgic, and in that moment i wished it was him who was sitting next to me. I pictured his face and the way he use to smile. I saw his eyes looking back at me in the distance and in that brief moment i missed him with every ounce of my very being. 

If im being honest, i don’t tend to think about Romeo much anymore. His memory use to haunt me every waking moment of my life for many years. I would think of him when i woke up, i would constantly think of him during my waking days and at night he would be the last person i thought about when i would go to sleep. Heck, i even dreamt of him constantly at times. I loved Romeo so much that it took me years to finally get to a point in my life where i barely even think of him now. I have to admit that i was only able to forget him because an amazing man came into my life and in a way, distracted me from the thought of Romeo. This man also gave me hope that there is love after a very difficult and hurtful heat break. Yet i sit here and wonder, if he had never came along would i have been able to get over Romeo the way i did? This guy and i didn’t end up together as a couple but we kept a wonderful friendship and in a way he healed me from a pain i saw no exit from. We did so many things together and had beautiful adventures, and for this i will always be thankful. He pulled me out of my personal hell that lived in my mind rent free.

With that being said, I can’t say that i feel nothing for Romeo like i once claimed before. I am convinced that once you love someone you love them forever. There are very rare moments where i will find myself in a special place or event and i will just happen to think about Romeo. In that small infinite moment i do sometimes wish that he was there next to me, sharing that experience and taking in that special moment with me. I do miss and love him, maybe not as much as before, but that could be because too much time has gone by and there have been other men who have tried to fill his void. Some have come very close to doing so, but I must admit they have all failed. They lack something that Romeo made me feel, yet they have contributed to helping me manage and tame those feelings that once roamed free within me.