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just listened to Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys for the first time and i think i know what heaven sounds like
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Itād be so tuff if someone read what I write on here as a monologue (since thatās the intended format) but honestly thatād be pretty cringe worthy. like I feel like Iām dropping BARS in the moment but after weeks (or god forbid months) I realize, āDamn. Iām corny as hellā¦ā Also in retrospect using the least subtle language ever with literary devices I learned in middle school sprinkled on top is (surprise surprise) notā¦that crazy of a concept. I shouldnāt be too harsh tho, this is fun and harmless and exercising my ability to verbalize ^.^
Last night I had a dream Iāve been thinking about all day. It was the apocalypseāthe kind where a majority of the population dies all of a suddenāso me, my friends, and the Jjk cast were camping out at my schoolās campus. Everyone was dying left and right due to infighting or intruders, eventually leading to just me and Teenage Gojo. I donāt remember how it started, but Gojo and I were cuddling on the floor of the hallway. There were massive windows letting in the sunlight from the courtyard. He didnāt say anything at all, he just held me. It was so warm. He fiddled with my hair and I felt like weeping. Absolutely no one in the world could see except us. That moment was ours, no matter what. He didnāt need to say anything. I could just rest and not think about any obligation and be close to him without my heart tearing me apart.
That dream gives me some hope <3
I think since Gachiakuta has been so strong on the no death streak that when it actually gets broken itās gonna break us
I used to think I had everything under control and had no serious trauma or problems. It felt like I had everything under control. But in September some switch was flipped and now everythingās gone to shit. I wonder when I became so disgusting, I donāt remember. Of course I donāt remember. Classic! Do I even actually forget? Iām just dodging responsibility, arenāt I?
God I hope I have something that explains everything.
Iām not absolved from my sins just cuz of writing on a piece of paper.
Iām irredeemable, arenāt I? The cons outweigh the pros now. I canāt offer anything anymore. I canāt do anything. I canāt do my work, my grades are slipping, Iām not entertaining. I canāt even fucking draw. I canāt draw. I canāt draw. Iām useless. I just take up space. My only purpose is as a prop. Iām just what people want to see at first and nothing more. Iām a whiteboard. Iām a fucking whiteboard. Just a flat empty boring whiteboard! Oh my god this is ridiculous Iām a whiteboard! Iām laughing and crying this is so stupid! Iām just a whiteboard!
Ah shut up. This is soo embarrassing. Just stop it. Weāre wonderful stop being so mopey about nothing.
But you donāt love me anymore
Thatās not true.
Then say it
I canāt say it I canāt say it I canāt say it I CANT SAY IT I CANT I CANT I CANR I CANT SAY ANYTHING I CANT TAKE THIS LOATHING I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE IT I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I HATE MYSELF Iām disgusted by myself and I donāt know why I feel like I canāt love anything anymore everythings been replaced by disgust I canāt feel anything but disgust for this body this mind this soul I donāt understand why anyone found this endearing why would anyone find this endearing Iām stupid and immature and pretentious and clingy and creepy and hypocritical and I constantly feel like I need to vomit because of how disgusting and pitiful I donāt understand where this came from
Iām tired of being a person. I donāt know if I want to die but I certainly donāt see the point in life.
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Iām NOT a happy camper rn my throat is dry and mucusy and my sleeping bag is too tight and not warm. my tummy hurts and I have acid reflux and Iām hungry but too nauseous from acid reflux and tummy ache to eat. I constantly feel like I need to pee. My nose is congested, my eyes are dry, Iām in need of fresh air but its too cold to open a window. My laundry needs to be done, I need to study, but I need a break and yet havenāt gotten the chance to recharge via hobbies. Iām SO DAMN BORED but TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING and yet I CANāT FALL ASLEEP DUE TO THE AFOREMENTIONED REASONS. I canāt sit alone with my thoughts or else Iām gonna make myself feel even worse and I canāt listen to music because EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND MY WIRED EARBUDS ARE GONE. The cherry on top is that my cat is putting all her weight on the weakest part of my belly and on my nipple at the same time. Fuck my fucking chungus life
Iām so bad at confrontation I have to do what megamind does with his hands in the scene where he escapes from prison and that one ābwuhnonanoNAnuhā guitar riff plays and he goes muahahahaha
