seen from Canada
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seen from Russia
seen from United States
just listened to Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys for the first time and i think i know what heaven sounds like
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It’d be so tuff if someone read what I write on here as a monologue (since that’s the intended format) but honestly that’d be pretty cringe worthy. like I feel like I’m dropping BARS in the moment but after weeks (or god forbid months) I realize, “Damn. I’m corny as hell…” Also in retrospect using the least subtle language ever with literary devices I learned in middle school sprinkled on top is (surprise surprise) not…that crazy of a concept. I shouldn’t be too harsh tho, this is fun and harmless and exercising my ability to verbalize ^.^
Last night I had a dream I’ve been thinking about all day. It was the apocalypse—the kind where a majority of the population dies all of a sudden—so me, my friends, and the Jjk cast were camping out at my school’s campus. Everyone was dying left and right due to infighting or intruders, eventually leading to just me and Teenage Gojo. I don’t remember how it started, but Gojo and I were cuddling on the floor of the hallway. There were massive windows letting in the sunlight from the courtyard. He didn’t say anything at all, he just held me. It was so warm. He fiddled with my hair and I felt like weeping. Absolutely no one in the world could see except us. That moment was ours, no matter what. He didn’t need to say anything. I could just rest and not think about any obligation and be close to him without my heart tearing me apart.
That dream gives me some hope <3
I think since Gachiakuta has been so strong on the no death streak that when it actually gets broken it’s gonna break us
*at 11pm before an exam* I simply must rewatch the entirety of gravity falls and read Journal 3 and the BOB
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I used to think I had everything under control and had no serious trauma or problems. It felt like I had everything under control. But in September some switch was flipped and now everything’s gone to shit. I wonder when I became so disgusting, I don’t remember. Of course I don’t remember. Classic! Do I even actually forget? I’m just dodging responsibility, aren’t I?
God I hope I have something that explains everything.
I’m not absolved from my sins just cuz of writing on a piece of paper.
I’m irredeemable, aren’t I? The cons outweigh the pros now. I can’t offer anything anymore. I can’t do anything. I can’t do my work, my grades are slipping, I’m not entertaining. I can’t even fucking draw. I can’t draw. I can’t draw. I’m useless. I just take up space. My only purpose is as a prop. I’m just what people want to see at first and nothing more. I’m a whiteboard. I’m a fucking whiteboard. Just a flat empty boring whiteboard! Oh my god this is ridiculous I’m a whiteboard! I’m laughing and crying this is so stupid! I’m just a whiteboard!
Ah shut up. This is soo embarrassing. Just stop it. We’re wonderful stop being so mopey about nothing.
But you don’t love me anymore
That’s not true.
Then say it
I can’t say it I can’t say it I can’t say it I CANT SAY IT I CANT I CANT I CANR I CANT SAY ANYTHING I CANT TAKE THIS LOATHING I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE IT I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I HATE MYSELF I’m disgusted by myself and I don’t know why I feel like I can’t love anything anymore everythings been replaced by disgust I can’t feel anything but disgust for this body this mind this soul I don’t understand why anyone found this endearing why would anyone find this endearing I’m stupid and immature and pretentious and clingy and creepy and hypocritical and I constantly feel like I need to vomit because of how disgusting and pitiful I don’t understand where this came from
I’m tired of being a person. I don’t know if I want to die but I certainly don’t see the point in life.
I’m NOT a happy camper rn my throat is dry and mucusy and my sleeping bag is too tight and not warm. my tummy hurts and I have acid reflux and I’m hungry but too nauseous from acid reflux and tummy ache to eat. I constantly feel like I need to pee. My nose is congested, my eyes are dry, I’m in need of fresh air but its too cold to open a window. My laundry needs to be done, I need to study, but I need a break and yet haven’t gotten the chance to recharge via hobbies. I’m SO DAMN BORED but TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING and yet I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP DUE TO THE AFOREMENTIONED REASONS. I can’t sit alone with my thoughts or else I’m gonna make myself feel even worse and I can’t listen to music because EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND MY WIRED EARBUDS ARE GONE. The cherry on top is that my cat is putting all her weight on the weakest part of my belly and on my nipple at the same time. Fuck my fucking chungus life
