Sometimes youβre 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. Youβre just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books youβre reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just donβt feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but βMomβsβ probably wouldnβt feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened every day and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that youβll never be this young again but this is the first time youβve ever been this old. When you canβt remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffeeβs done. Youβre going to breath in and out. Youβre going to be fine in about five minutes.
I have a lot of moments like this. Missing when my Mom and I were okay, when I first moved in with her, and things were hard but we were okay, and I miss her, but I donβt miss her NOW, I miss the person she was then, or the person I thought she was, and Iβll never get that back.
